Tuesday, November 4, 2008

clarity

Why is it we find clarity in our most idle moments? Time and time again, I've prayed for clarity during stressful moments in my life. Amidst the breeze that comes from hurrying the hell up, I find that my mind's completely blank. But on days like today- in moments when I have become completely idle, everything's so clear that one can't help but introspect.

I got home and I guess the long walk left me quite tired. I had a glass of water and in a half-assed effort of relaxing, I sat down at the foot of our staircase. I was sitting there, glass in hand and I realized I was completely bathed in moonlight. From head to toe, white light embraced my tired skin. I was playing this song called Leaving Town Alive by that girl in One Tree Hill. I closed my eyes and listened to the chorus. Life is for the living, the forgiven and for leaving town alive, she sung. Maybe so. Couldn't help but accept that she's got a point. At times, I forget how temporary my life is. I guess at some point, I do want it all- family, pets, car, mortgage, bills. Grown-up stuff. But when does this part of my life end and when does the next part begin? It's strange to be in transition. Even stranger is realizing you're in a state of transition.

It boils down to that moment when you have to say goodbye to being young and stupid and accepting your fate as an adult, answered a voice in my head.

I stared at the moon (or at least where the moon should've been) and I realized it wasn't the moon bathing me in light. The neighbor left their lights on and the strange angle made it seem like romantic moonlight. Being young is a lot like that, I guess. You get so wrapped up in the idea of a perfect life and how everything revolves around you until you slowly realize you're just a cog in a well-oiled machine. You study to get good grades. You graduate and get a job. You find someone who makes you feel like yourself and if you're lucky, maybe you won't ruin each other's lives in the end. That's life for most people but a part of me refuses to believe that it's all so simple and drawn out. I refuse to believe that my life's been planned out even before my first step.

Now and then you wonder why life is for the living, the forgiven and the leaving town alive.

It took some time for me to make peace with the fluorescent light that somehow made me look like an idiot in my own kitchen. It's probably going to take some more time for me to make peace with how life seems to me at the moment. I can't help it. I just wish that life was simple and that I could just press a button and I'd be okay with stuff but it's not that easy. If I am to get to where I need to be, a lot of changes need to be made. Like anything grand, a lot of effort comes into planning and introspecting.

Life is for the living, the forgiven, and for leaving town alive.

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