Sunday, October 19, 2008

everybody's changing

I wasn't going to say anything but I looked up at tonight's sky and saw all the stars and just felt like my cup was overflowing. In the stillness of the night (or early morning), here I am, logged in and not typing fast enough.

I've been listening to a lot of British music lately and I was trying to think of the first British group that I really liked. I picked up my dusty copy of Keane's Hopes and Fears and Everybody's Changing started playing. For those who know the song, it starts with a weird techno-like screeching but as soon as Tom Chaplin starts singing, you can't help but pay attention.

I started thinking about the people in my life and how everybody seems to be changing. I can't really speak for those who know me but I really feel like I'm still the same person I was two years ago. Nothing's really changed since college. I guess I'm more aware of my pronunciation now and I finally got used to fixing my hair every single day but aside from the superficial changes, I'm still the same person I was then.

Growing up, I went to several different schools and adjusted quite normally. I was always saying goodbye to people I didn't really want to part ways with. You'd think I'd be used to people leaving but it turns out I'm not. I'm still the frail little boy with careless hair who cried as the school bus dropped me off for the last time.

In the office, two of my most favorite people have decided to pursue other options. I tried my darndest to be brave when we threw a little party for them but I guess I didn't really do a good job. To a keen observer, I was trying too hard to be nonchalant. I wasn't fooling anyone, though. I'm very picky about who I hug but I think I gave them at least one hug each if only it would stop them from leaving.

It's funny because I know their reasons. I understand their reasons. If I had their reasons, I'd leave, too. But there's that little boy again inside of me that wants to go beyond reason. Because it makes me feel bad. Because I don't want to lose good friends. Because in the end, these are two people I actually trust and it sucks to have to lose them to their reasons.

Selfishness aside, I seriously understand their reasons. I really do. I guess reading Catcher In The Rye isn't really helping. I'm only halfway done but it's already left quite an impression. The person who lent it to me read me the book's last line: Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody. Maybe I'm taking it out of context. I'm not even remotely near that part of the book but my take on it is that once you start letting people in, you set yourself up to getting hurt. Because nothing's permanent. Everything changes. At some point, everybody changes and if you're not careful, you just might get caught in their undertow.

But then I looked up at the stars again (I can't help it) and seeing Orion's Belt, I realized that I, too have changed. I don't see the same things I saw before. I don't like the same things I like. Even this crinkle I'm eating right now tastes differently from the one I had in my memory. Most importantly, I don't feel the same way about things like I did before.

I guess the trick is to keep moving and maybe, just maybe, change would actually do me some good.

2 comments:

  1. this so beautiful, i almost cried

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  2. Mots: Wow, you dug deep. Really deep. Haha this was heavily inspired by Catcher. You should read it one of these days if you haven't already. :)

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