Friday, September 12, 2008

hide and seek

Walking home this morning, I finally had a few moments to myself- away from addictions and people who I willingly and unwillingly try to please. You can't please everybody, he told me as though he knew me. His voice betrayed how he thought he had me all figured out. I smiled, feeling my cheeks touch my eyelashes knowing well that this was not a genuine smile.

As I gazed at the undecided sky, unsure if it would rain or shine, I held on to my smelly umbrella hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Without my umbrella, I could feel little, nay ignorable drops of rainwater. I told the sky to make up its mind. Was it going to rain or not?

Lately nothing makes sense. I find myself wondering if I'm stuck in a lucid dream or if I simply have a lucid life. This weather is a lot like my life right now. It doesn't really matter if the sun will shine or the rain will pour as long as something happens. I cannot be stuck in between two states for too long.

In my phone's inbox are two antithetic messages. Sent by two different people, I wonder how one person's anchor could be another's detonator. By principle, they both have eyes, ears, and other senses. How could I be so different with each one? One asks me if I am safe. The other misses the confusion I brought to the table. Friendship should not be complicated, I dismissed. The messages were sent three weeks apart and both came about a year too late.

If I choose to be safe, will the demons leave me alone? If I choose to embrace what was, no matter how self-destructive it may be, will I be safe? Another voice chimes in, are you safe either way?

I don't know a lot of things but this I know- if it should rain, let it rain. If the sun's going to shine, let it burn.

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