Friday, December 17, 2004

fight fire with fire

cooled down when i hung out with gege and the gang in RP. even edited my last post. life is so much better when things just slide off of you. i wrote joel this nice testimonial that i hope he likes.

i wrote this poem and it's about marianne. it's my first poem about her that i completed and it's also my first one in filipino. i hope it's okay.

Not sure what to call it. 1216 or Damuhan at Tala. I thought of 1216 because i thought of some if its parts during the rivermaya concert (214). jologs!

1216: Damuhan At Tala

Doon sa ibabaw ng damuhan at ilalim ng mga tala
Ikaw at ako’y naging iisa

Sa pagyugyog ng tugtugin ng banda
At ang dagundong ng tibok ng aking puso
Nanumbalik ang mga damdamin
Na pilit kong ibinabaon sa limot

Mga alaala noong tayo’y mga bata pa
Inosente at puno ng pangarap
Noong ako’y may ibinulong na lihim sa buwan

Na mamahalin kita
Tumigil man ang banda sa pagtugtog
Bumiyak man ang lupang kinatatayuan ko

Ngunit hindi and banda ang tumigil
Kundi ang ating pagtitinginan
Hindi lupa ang bumiyak
Kundi ang mumunti kong puso

Sa paghilom ng aking mga sugat
Dulot ay panibagong araw

Panibagong pagkakataong
Gumalaw sa iisang tugtugin
At kumanta sa iisang liriko

Sa mumunting saglit na walang bahid ng hiya,
Ako’y nasa piling ng iyong mga munting braso,

Natagpuan ko na ang tunay kong pook
Ang tahanan ng aking kalayaan
Doon, ako’y mamamalagi at mananatili
Tumigil man ang banda
bumiyak man ang lupa
Sumikat man o lumubog
Ang buwang minsa’y naging saksi sa ating sumpa.


__'s such an asshole. i've been too quiet about this. it's not right, nay not fair. stop antagonizing me, you freak. you're an immature buffoon who needs to grow up.

it all started this morning. i was already feeling vulnerable because of how ___, ___, and ___ were toying with me and ___ last night. they knew that we had ended everything but still, they continued teasing us. i was hopeful for about a second until i realized i wasn't kidding anybody. me and ___ are never going to be a couple. there's too many factors that stand in the way.

it's pathetic how i only have my blog to talk to. i'm out of place in my own major.

so i was outside, minding my own business when i see ___, ___, ___, ___, and ___ talking. call me crazy but i think they're planning to go out. i didn't mind it. for all i care, they could all go to hell (except for ___ and ___ who are both angels). it hurt me like hell, knowing that i will never be a part of anything to do with ___ because of ___.

and then after the christmas party, we ___ . i was so sure ___ so i said ___ just to be sure. i didn't tell ___ or anybody aside from ___ to go with my plan but suddenly everyone was there. ___ had his sulking face and he was saying stuff about what was happening and he didn't sound pleased. he was angry at me and ___ when i didn't ___. like i said, he could ___ and i wouldn't even flinch. if he ___ , i'd probably even smile but ___? no way. ___ him. i hope karmic retribution is real so that he'd finally understand what his actions mean.

i hate my life. i hate being played with. my heart is not a toy, okay. so she hugged me last night. that was an accident. so we wore the same thing. that was a coincidence. so what? so what if i still love her. it doesn't matter now. can somebody shoot me now?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

fudge packer

i finally know what fudge packer means. i know what it is and how it's done (obviously) but i didn't know there was a term. i thought it was just eating shit!

"Fudge, Packer?" - a fudge packer is a gay man who likes to give anal sex, the shit being the fudge.

i found out when i clicked around for a cool blog to read. she's linked to this other blog called fuck101 and its uber cool! check it out!


Tuesday, December 14, 2004


bumaba IQ ko!

Congratulations, Nyl!
Your IQ score is 122

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Inventive Inquisitor. You have the unusual distinction of being equally good at math and verbal skills. This means you are a creative thinker and are uniquely good at teaching others through experiences. You are also a great improviser and very good at handling change.

Monday, December 13, 2004

was that you passing me by?

there's a depressed pugnosedfreakazoid in these lands. it's something that i've tried to name or somehow put a proverbial finger on but it slips everytime. i don't get satisfaction from work or from school anymore. all i get is this hollow pit somewhere between my heart and my gut. i can't fill it with work or school or friends -- not that i still have them.

maybe that's it. maybe i've lost my friends. all along, i thought i could always go back to my friends in school. EJ was just a temporary thing, i assured myself. but then, shit happened and i dived headfirst into my work. now, it doesn't fill me anymore. now, it doesn't satisfy me. i spent last weekend layouting. but no, it wasn't enough. i just wanted to shove a rifle down my throat. hope that'll cure this... this... whatever it is. i've lost my friends and here's why.

i thought my new friends in EJ were cool but after a while, i realized i couldn't be with them because i wasn't like them. they don't know the things that i know. they find beauty in my garbage and in my beauty, they find garbage. it's like everything's inverted. what's good for the students is good for the paper. at least that's what they make you believe. but no, that's not necessarily true. there's what's good for your editors, whats good for people who aren't your editors but feel like they're a notch above you so they edit you anyway, whats good for the press, good for the administration, it's all bullshit. i just... it's more than that. it's not worth all my efforts when mediocrity passes for quality.

fine, call me bitter but i really didn't appreciate the nasty comments i got from a certain priest who happens to be a rector in my college. no one deserves to get those nasty comments. from a priest no less! it was then i lost interest in everything. no way... no more... i'm tired and unappreciated and it's time i stand up for me. when u was an editor, i always felt like i should stand up for the people below me. now, i'm under a whole lot of oppression and all they can give me is a pat in the back. it's like, duh! i can pat my own back. go... do something!

of course the irony of it all is that now that i realize i dont belong in the education journal, it's too late. i can't relate to my friends back in class. everything's fucked up now. they hang out with olet. lupac's gone nuts. charmaine's got her own world. it's like, nothing's what it seems. i didn't feel like i was part of anything. like... a... lone wolf? no, too cheesy. but at the same time, i miss them. i miss joel boel and beans and gege. they don't care anymore, of course but at least i still have the past times with them. no one, no new friends or changes of mind can ever take that away.

so there, i felt like i'm caught in the middle and now, i've burned all my bridges. i can't go back and i can't go forward. everything's changed. i feel animosity towards the staff here. they don't get me. they just think i'm bitching. maybe i should just leave. screw them for rejecting my cute valentine's cover. screw them all. i can live alone. this is exactly what i was looking for, right? a journey of self-discovery free from any social relations. be silent to drown out the noise. be silent to truly find yourself.

God speed.


we lost ustetika. how embarassing.

Friday, December 10, 2004

colorgenics rules

who knew they'd get the fact that i'm considering resigning from EJ?

You are always alert and keenly observant. You are not truly satisfied with your everyday status and you are seeking fresh avenues which can give you the opportunity to prove your worth. You feel that there are still many barriers that stand between you and recognition - but one by one you will overcome them. Your tenacity is your one good point - like an English Bulldog, once you take the bite, you will seldom let go.

Enough is enough. Nothing seems to be working out as you would like it to and it has got to the stage where you feel as if you can't be bothered anymore. The way you feel is that it would be great if you could be cut off from everything and take it easy - be it only for a short time.

You are a demanding egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. This attitude makes people feel somewhat inadequate when in your company and so it is no wonder that at times you feel alone and unwanted.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

Being afraid that you may be prevented from achieving your hopes and dreams is making you anxious and nervous. As a dreamer your ideas can at times move into the realm of fantasy and you could be following that so called illusive dream.

new blog picture!

i've got a new blog picture! hahaha... tummy! i was wearing my PE t-shirt from freshman year in high school and i was surprised it actually fit! hahaha, putting it on was sort of a biatch though. hehehe... it fits, i swear! i better get another picture with me and the shirt, put on correctly. hahaha

went jogging this morning. aced a test in stat, i think.. i hope... i pray?
got another test in programming later. pray for me, aight?

pnf :D

Thursday, December 9, 2004


how depressing. got nothing to blog about... my website is closing on the 20th.

Wednesday, December 1, 2004

today is gonna be the day

last night, i revived my food journal. but this time, i set up more guidelines so that writing on it won't be such a chore. i hope i can pull this off. twenty-one days isn't a long time to change yourself but there are just these moments when i hope i won't give in to the feeling of giving up.

eight pounds to lose: target.

Friday, November 26, 2004

i hate makati

this is the story of how i ended up in the middle of makati wearing an old t-shirt, old gym shorts, a pair of slippers, and (most importantly) no underwear!

this is a long story and i'll try my best to explain it the best i can without sounding like a pervert exhibitonist. it started the day oil was invented and people used it to make gasoline for cars. now oil is very hard to come by now and since the demand grows, the price does too. people can't afford gas now so they decided to start this thing called a 'transport holiday'. because there was a 'transport holiday' yesterday, i spent all morning watching dvds that i was previously too busy to watch.

sometime between "white oleander" and "laws of attraction", i realized i was wearing my last pair of underwear! i rushed to the room, no longer interested in pierce brosnan and julianne moore's lack of chemistry. i gathered all my underwear, INCLUDING the one i was currently wearing (HEY i was at home! what do u expect?) and went to the laundry area.

so at about 5:30, my sister jenny called my dad to pick her up. usually, when this happens, my dad goes up to me and asks me if i want to join him. who wouldn't want to be stuck in a hot (no air-con at the back) van for several hours on an empty stomach, saddling conversation with a man who is bitter half the time? WOW! LOADS OF FUN!!! i usually find an excuse to weasel out of it but this time was different. i had no work or assignments to do. i told him i haven't bathed and he said it was okay since we were, under no circumstances, going to leave the van.

we got there at 6:30 and things weren't as bad as i thought. we stopped by pan de manila to get pandesal and we talked about stuff. i even ran out of stuff to say so i just told him how michelle, the most conservative singer in Destiny's Child/gospel singer was touching her breasts in the new video. it was kinda creepy. she even bared here tummy in the website. the traffic was so horrible. we felt like we parked and moved and parked and moved again and again. jenny wasnt there yet at that time so we had to circle the block several times. it was so exasperating. on our third time, papa asked me to come down. now, that was the thing i feared the most. not only was i in flip flops and a terrible outfit (did i mention the shorts were red?), i also had no underwear! the cool breeze was sending me all the wrong signals as i alighted. he told me to buy credit so we could text her. the only store accesible to us was a 7-11 that until then, i considered sacred. it was the branch that me and my high school friends raided one early morning (grad ball) and i was there, in my ridiculous outfit fearing the worst. i was kinda relieved to see that most of the people in that store were wearing the same ensemble (t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops). but the feeling morbidly passed as i realized i was sharing the space with construction workers. AAAAARGH! i wanted to leave but the credit i bought still wasn't there! so after several moments more of morbid shame, i finally gave up.

when i left the store, i was in a rut. the store that i thought was so precious now lost its novelty. papa was there and i got in the van. he was yelling and i told him i didn't get load. by this time, he had circled the block two more times so his rage was building. when jenny called my cell at about 7, i told her i would wait for her outside her building.i just wanted to be out of the vehicle so he wouldnt scream anymore.

when papa finally picked us up, he was quiet. jenny was famished as she ate her rice and adobo. i was soooo hungry but i couldnt tell her. i slept, feeling embarassed. after all, even though you could cut the warm tension in the air that night with a knife, i was still cold because... my underwear was still in the wash! GAWD!

to be continued...

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

and the stupidity continues

there's a discount that you compute for at the end of the month and i forgot to include that!

the stupidity continues at comptech lab! (star circle quest!)

test in comptech

feel so stupid. can't believe i missed that one question in our test in excel. instead of adding the bonus to the sales, i added it to the total comission. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

took a test on how i felt

At this time in your life you feel like 'giving up'. For every time you have tried to build up your hopes and dreams something has come along to burst the balloon. You may feel that, at this particular moment in your life, there seems to be no chance of fulfilling these dreams but you are so wrong. You are the sort of person that can influence any situation, that is - If you don't give up. So consciously make the effort... You have that inherent power to succeed.

You are very orderly, methodical and self sufficient. You demand and need the respect, recognition and understanding of all those who enter into your sphere on influence.

It is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no one to rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offense, but as matters stand you realize that you'll have to make the best of things as they are.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realize those dreams and to turn them into reality

and another one

Your Mood: At the moment your sensual and emotional needs are not being met. Perhaps you are finding life more than a little harsh at present. Being unable to relax is making you tired and taking the edge off your enthusiasm. You are not at your bravest now and want to retreat. Perhaps you feel hurt or let down by others and wish to retreat from a stressful situation. You may be feeling especially tired and in need of rest at the moment.

Your Present Situation: Your present situation is overwhelming you and your response is to become increasingly stubborn and idealistic. Because you feel unable to handle everything that is going on, it’s easier to break down and ignore the issues.Your present situation is draining your energy levels and can be very frustrating. Whatever efforts you make things do not appear to be getting any better. You need to be very careful as your vitality at the moment is low and you may feel that you cannot meet the challenges of your present circumstances. It is important to realize that this phase is temporary, and if you are careful not to let despondency take over, you will triumph in the end. You can make the necessary changes in your life, but it may take some time.

Your Conflicts: You have no conflicts at the present time

it's been a while. the chameleon loses its colors.

okay. so it's not really me to drown myself in work but that's exactly what i did. i've been ignoring heartache, pretending it wasn't there but it is and now it's catching up.

it's official. today, there is no more EJ work left to do. i've got no work, not a single thing to do and now i'm in panic mode.

so marianne and i finally gave up. it was a long time coming and just when i thought it wouldn't hurt a bit, it does and it hurts sooo much that just typing about it makes me cringe.

a few nights ago, i talked to this guy from high school and i was so envious. i wanted to cry. he got his life fixed and i just... i've been waiting... waiting for that twenty-one days to change. everyday, it's the same old story. i wake up and i say "today's the day that i'm going to change" but i never do.

i read in this book called "talking tough" that most if not all guys go through this certain phase where they feel like they've been abandoned... sort of left behind by everybody to figure things out... get a feel of the land... and find what it is exactly to be a "man". i never had that. the first sign of being left behind and i'm out the door. i'm always searching for new people to fill a void. and i'm so afraid that if they really knew who i was, then they'd be turned off so i end up conforming to them. like a little chameleon that changes color to protect itself.

i'm afraid because i know that i can't always be like this. i know that someday, i'll have to change. but i conform to so many colors that i forget what color i really am. i know it's around here somewhere, but my sanity really is misplaced. who am i? who am i after everyone's gone?

so back to my high school friend. i asked him if he has "someone"... he said yes and i was so envious. i know it's a sin and i'll probably regret admitting this but how come he's got it all together? why do i crumble to pieces when i'm alone. yet inspite of this dire need to not be left alone, i still am. maybe i'm getting into relationships for all the wrong reasons. i'm searching for a way to fill a void. but when you're in love, you've got so much of yourself that you want to give it away. i've got nothing to give away so i guess that's not really right. i'd be fooling me, her, and everybody.

i guess that's the reason why all my personas in my stories have been predominantly women (or men who want to be). it's because a man's presence is calming and comforting. a man's presence makes you feel naked and clothed at the same time. i don't have that presence but instead, i long for it. i long for the time when someone will tell me "it's okay. rest your weary head" however cliche that sounds. i'm just so afraid right now that i'll end up alone. i know that i'm not the most handsome person you'll ever meet. people who think they know me are confused with my sexual orientation. but that's not really fair to me since they don't know my past. they don't know all the shit that i've been through. shit that other people have put me through. they don't and if they want to make a mental image of me out of the things that they see right here, then i hope their balls freeze and swell to the size of melons.

i guess i'm in the wrong profession. teachers are infamous for being "married to their profession". what if i never meet her - the one. what if i already have but i let her get away with some sly comment that further convinced her i was more into her brother.

i miss mines. i do. i texted her yesterday, from the top of my head, probably the cheesiest message i've ever sent. i told her i missed her. missed how it feels like to be with her. missed everything about us. how did we let "us" slip away?. just when i thought she wasn't going to reply, she texted me this message at 8:57:36 AM. i know this because the message is still in my inbox.

"Aw...wat u said pierced me ryt thru. I miss ya 2"

what does that mean? does she miss me as a friend or as something more. i've considered her to be my soulmate more that once or twice in the past. i'm too young to be thinking these thoughts. maybe i should just stop listening to liz phair in the morning and norah jones at night. it's enough to make the depressed suicidal.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

and in your head you keep repeating the line

and in your head you keep repeating the line "my mother is mine!"

i've got PE today and i don't wanna go! erik scott smith (bobby @ age 15) just added me and sent me a message in myspace. i hope we can be friends.

Friday, November 12, 2004

borderline obsession

i've been talking non-stop about a home at the end of the world and so just so you know, i looked for an article that could best describe it. here it is.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

follow up pt 1

couldnt resist. i figured out what was wrong with the movie. the director was a novice. no wonder. that's what it needed. colin farrell was a god in the movie. i was convinced he really was bobby. he creeped me out a bit at first because he really was so unlike his other characters. erik smith, the guy who played him at age 15 was so adorable too.

a home at the end of the world

okay, i'm in art-film-buzz mode. it usually happens right after watching an art film and i'm not exactly sure how to react. look this movie up and see why. okay, i'll react to it when i'm in a better state of mind.

ej office

going to quiapo later to buy that colin farrel flick i saw.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

someone died!

someone died and i could sort of see his guts on the pale concrete. scary. very scary. to think i was eating when i saw it. i was on my way to the office when everyone inside rushed out and when i asked them what it was, they said someone died. he was wearing blue and i could see him from the third floor. such a waste of life. i wonder what he was like. i wonder if he knew God. i wonder if he's with Him right now.

it's creepy. it's horrible. it'll make you go insane. there was a picture from the ej photoshoot proofs that i had my eyes closed. it was scary because i was staring at it for about thirty seconds. i was looking at my nose, i think or something else. but then something strange happened. some sort of ancient voodoo that somehow managed to escape into the camera and now i'm afraid. afraid that something might happen to me. help me please! if you know what to do about this, post a comment on this post. please help!

not enough vitamins.

i swear. there's not enough vitamins in the world to convince my father that i am not about to die any minute now. sure, i've got a massive case of tonsillitis and my voice is barely recognizable. add the fact that i've got the sniffles and feel horrible in the morning. but i'm in no grave danger. it's scary. i was about to leave when he asked me if i ate breakfast. i had no time so i didn't and so i told him that. he asked if i took my vitamins and i didn't respond. i just took off my shoes-ies and got a glass of water. i took a large centrum thinking that he'd be satisfied. (centrum complete!) but it wasn't enough. he made me drink a whole assortment of other drugs, among them 1000 grams (or was it mg) of Vitamin C. but the thing is, i've heard it was dangerous to take above 500! i used to take 250 a day. at the back of centrum, it said it already had vitamin c. so right now, in this moment, i've got 1060 grams of vitamin C flowing in my veins. scary. i could die now.

it's 7 am and i want to congratulate... me! for getting to school almost on time. :D

Monday, November 8, 2004


malamig ang comptech lab. masakit na ang daliri ko dahil nagfreeze na yung blood sa tips niya. habang nagtytype ako, sobrang masakit na ang kamay ko.

my first tagalog post!

hi comptech majors! hello beans, ange, joel boel, yco, chacha, and lupac (oo pati si lupac!)

comptech blues

yet another posting session in the computer lab. it's so boring. we aren't doing anything. crappers! i can't believe i left my regform at home. actually, i really don't know where it is.

the EJ proof came out this morning and it's so delish. can't wait till it actually comes out.

Friday, November 5, 2004


she's not pregnant and i'm glad. i thought she was pregnant.

i don't know why i'm the least bit affected. it's not like i fathered that fictitious child. she could've had it aborted. was she lying when she said it was a false alarm. did she?

what is abortion anyway? is it for convenience? is it necessary if you're not ready to have kids? since when is it possible to be ready for sex but not ready for children. you fuck to have kids. you don't fuck for pleasure. its like the pleasure you get is the by product but what you're really doing is making a child. you don't fornicate to get pleasure. your baby is not a by-product. i hate myself for thinking this way. i know it's so not cool. i hate myself because i know i'm not really in any position to be saying this. those close to me know why i shouldn't say anything.

till next time.

Monday, November 1, 2004

samson got a better haircut... and i bet it didn't come with a suicidal epiphany

Have you ever been blue? Have you ever been kicked when you’re down? Have you ever felt inadequate? Have you ever felt like your greatest effort will never compare to what is expected of you? I have and it feels like hell.

It started out innocently enough. Just a haircut that’s been long overdue. I hate haircuts. They make me nervous and uneasy. Plus, they never turn out the way I want it to. I’ve been to several salons but they were all closed due to the national holiday. My mind was set on the fact that tomorrow, I had to go to UST to layout the paper. I finally decided to go to SM North to do my business. I figured, you guys are in the mall! How bad could it be?

We went to this gawd-awful place called Gwapong Ricky Reyes and at first, the haircut looked good until it started looking like my hair in high school. It was horrible and they made it stand on one end. I wanted to die. I wanted to crawl under my bed. I wanted to turn back time and make it my hair the way it was before. Dark, careless, wicked... it made me look dark and smart and creative. I am a writer.

They stuck me with this haircut that was so horrible, it could’ve been Satan’s. It’s long and short in all the wrong places! I just want to kill myself. All my fears came to life when Teppy, Carlo, and Francis could not express how they felt. They were fumbling, trying to come up with the right words. The first few minutes of my hair were greeted with gasps and bursts of laughter. I wanted to die. I seriously wanted to run back to the salon and shave my head.

When I got home, I told Jenny I was going to take a bath before layouting since she was using the laptop. I told her I was going to play with my new hair with the new hair wax I bought. I wanted to find my angle… my look. She told me not to because it would make me gay. If I didn’t style it, I’d look like a fucking dork but noooooo, I had to leave it be if I didn’t want to be a stinking homosexual. I was left with nothing. All I had was my hair. I felt like Samson. All my strength was out. I lay in bed in complete silence until Teppy came and I had to tell her about it. I was a bit upset with her laughing at first but at least she wasn’t mean like Jenny. She genuinely made me feel better. I told her everything. Everything I was ashamed to mention. Everything I thought of but could not say. How do you think I feel when people tell me I look so different from my sisters? How do you think I feel when people call me fat or ugly or when I’m likened to Allan K? How do you think I feel when people call me dark or pug-nosed? How do you think I feel knowing that I’ve got the worst of both parents. I’m dark and I’ve got a bulbous nose. All I had vying for me was my careless hair and now that it’s gone... I don’t know what to do anymore. I am weak. I am afraid. I am ashamed. I am suicidal.

It’s just hair but what is hair really? Just a bunch of stuff at the top of your head? It defines you. It makes you you. I don’t think this new hair expresses the kind of person I am inside and if I wanted to at least make my situation just a liiiitle bit better, I’d be gay for trying. Damn, this is complicated.

To make me feel better, Teppy showed me something from her sorority. One of her sisters said that I was cute. In a small way, I did feel better. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not ugly. Maybe I’m still that awkward duckling. While I’m waiting for the transformation, I guess I’ll just have to content myself to wallowing and fight off these suicidal tendencies.

Friday, October 29, 2004

<3s are broken everyday pt.1

i've been avoiding this. i know i've got to do it eventually though. i've been doing a lot of self-psychosis again and rethinking my whole standpoint of abortion. i used to be pro-choice because i figured a woman's liable for what she does to her body. but when you're in that situation... when you find your choices getting smaller and smaller as days go by... you don't think like a rational person anymore.

fast forward to about several days later. i'm back at home... my dad's here after about a year of in absentia. i miss him.

it's 8:45 am, and i just got back from aero. that boxer is an aero rockstar... woohoo! i decided to write down all the aero instructors for your reading pleasure

these guys go on shifts. the first group on certain days and the second every other day. this week, the duo is on mwf...

the duo:
the first dude is a guy who seriously needs a makeover. he's balding and probably's in his mid forties considering his looks are a flashback from the eighties. he enjoys cooling down and warming up but his exercise moves are out of beat and seriously cheesy. he likes wearing pek-pek shorts and saying mabuhay...

the second is a guy who i've nicknamed boxer. he is an aero-taebo rockstar! i love him! everybody does! he's so great at whipping up the group into shape. he's considerate and tells us what part to focus on. he likes chatting with the pervy woman who exaggerates her movements.

neither one of them can speak a decent english word...

the sexual preference trio:
the first guy looks like pabbles from church... this dark guy who sings in our church. he's a gay, pumped-up version of pabbles. before, i thought the girl was screaming woooohoooo but as i found out later on, it was him. he enjoys wearing that yellow sando that looks like it too was from the eighties. could it be that he and the balding guy share the same taste for cheesy clothes?

the second is a girl who's a bit masculine with her tattoos. she's pretty boring.

the third is a dike who i'm still not sure of. is he a he or is she a she? waaaaah!

i'm tired. i'll tell you all about the abortion post that got disconnected in a while...

ps. they bought a digital camera in duty free for under $100. it's cool...

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

like water for chocolate

good book. i read it within one day. i picked it up and never put it down.

so my one year search for the dvd ended today. after searching high and low, i finally found it in this place called video 45. i had to pay P500 as a refundable deposit which i can get when i return it. to my horrors, it was a bootleg copy. amazing how one pirated dvd can elude you for so long. i watched it and it was sooooooo horrible. marco leonardi who was a god in cinema paradiso could not act for shit. i guess marco fans only like it for the thirty second shot of his peepee (omg, did i just say peepee?) horrible movie. it was so depressing how i've searched far and wide for this movie only to find it now and in such horrible light. the sound was cheesy. i felt like i was stuck in a mexican telanovela. the girl looked like an uuuugleeee version of vanessa carlton and paula cole. lots of the important elements from the book somehow got cut out. i said "laura esquivel must be pissed off right now" and then i found out she did the screenplay and i was like.. grrr.....

so that was it... bought a prescripto cologne this afternoon. was considering hugo boss or clinique happy for men. i figured happy was just too common. hugo boss smells generic... wonder if fake perfume has pheromones.

declining morals

another friend got pregnant. it's so fucking depressing. whatever happened to the times when using a condom was rule no. 1? i mean, i grew up with this person... we've shared secrets and marmalade and cheesedogs and now, gawd... i feel awful.

does going with her to buy special "medicine" in quiapo make me an accessory to the crime?

another depressed post. but this one's got a better ending.

it's 11:55 PM, no matter what the time this blog post says it is. it's getting pretty late and i'll be in bed for a while but not until i unload all this emotional baggage.

i can't explain it well... i tried... see: (w8, you'll see it verbatim in a minute)

i was talking to kuya mark (HI!) and i guess i just felt so bad about jenny and pepper and how they were mad at grace for the comments she made on how i looked. i closed the YM windows before this so i wasn't able to get all of the conversation but it was just me making him vow not to say anything.

mark: sure!
m: bakit ba?
pugnosedfreakazoid: hehehe... mahaba haba tong story...
p: nagsimula dun sa 2nd sunday na nagturo ako
p: nung saturday, nagstay ako dun sa house nung isa kong ate
p: tapos nagdecide kami ni teppy na di na kami uuwi
p: so nangyari, yung suot ko nung saturday, suot ko ulit nung sunday
p: saya diba?
p: anyways... nakita ako ni grace
p: alam ko naman na di pang church ung clothes ko... pero wala na talaga akong choice
p: naka shorts ako at t-shirt
p: tapos sabi ni grace, kala daw nya babae ako
p: di ko alam kung bakit
p: baka may sakit sya sa mata
p: hehehe
p: tapos di ko nalang pinansin
p: nung kumakain kami that day, kinwento ko sa mga kapatid ko
p: wala lang.. medyo asar ako kay grace pero di ako galit
p: tapos nagalit ung mga kapatid ko kay grace!
p: sobrang... galit na di mo maintindihan
p: to the point na pinagtatakpan ko na si grace pag nagkikita kami
p: pag nasa church kami, tinatanong nila lagi kung saan si grace
p: parang susugurin na yata nila
p: scary diba
p: ako naman, i dont need them to fight my battles kasi naasar ako pero di naman ako na offend
p: siguro okay nga yun because it taught me to dress more properly sa church
p: haba na nito ha... tuloy ko parin...
p: lagi silang warmode kay grace
p: tapos ako naman, parang bakit? e diba kung may magagalit, dpat ako na un...
p: i begged them not to tell anybody
p: pero nung sunday, kinausap ni grace si teppy
p: tapos tinanong ako ni teppy kung si grace ba un
p: sabi ko oo (kanina lang nya tinanong)
p: tapos sobrang naawa ako kay grace dahil kung ano ano sinasabi nila about her e di naman nila xa kilala
p: im stuck in the middle
p: ayoko sila magalit kay grace kasi kahit papano friend ko na siya... kulit nga nun magtext eh
p: pero parang nanumbalik ung galit nila kasi nung sunday, may sinabi sakin si grace
p: may another girl from church na tinatanong kung babae ba daw ako
p: eto nanaman tayo
p: ewan ko ba... di naman ako mukhang baabe. ang pangit kong babae! hehehe
p: e kinwento ko sa friend ko sa phone
p: tapos naoverhear ni jenny
p: pinagusapan nila ni pepper tapos
p: WARMODE ulit!
p: feeling ko malapit na nila xiyang awayin... for no good reason naman...
p: baka pahiyain nila un or something
p: natatakot ako
p: kasi baka gawin nila un tapos magalit si grace... tapos di man lang ako makakapagexplain
p: kung pwede ko lang ireformat ung brains nila para di na nila maalala....
p: im caught in the middle and gusto ko nang sumigaw!!! mali yung ginagawa nila... kasi hello... diba... of all places, sa simbahan ba dw maghanap ng gulo... pero i can't really blame them kasi kahit papano, may reason naman... di ko alam eh
p: ano ba naiisip mo?
m: hmm..ganona?
m: ang haba nga..
m: hehehe
m: oo nga wats the point magalit eh ikaw nga ndi ka naman nagalit..
m: at saka akala lang naman eh
m: dba.. shes a human din nagkakamali..
m: at saka sa tingin ko pabiro lang un
m: kilala ko un.. nagbibiro lang un
m: hehehe
p: i think may halong biro pero not exactly... di ko alam kung pano ko sasabihin kay grace na wag nalang nya muna kausapin yung mga kapatid ko...
p: i feel so stupid... para akong mama's boy pero di mama... ate's boy... haaaaayyyy... ang gulo ng mundo!
m: hehe
m: ganon..
p: buti nga wala pang confrontation na nagaganap pero malapit na...
m: wag naman sana ganon..
p: if u were in my position... what would you do?
p: sabagay, mahirap kasi panganay ka eh... bunso ako...
m: hmm..
m: edi explain ko na wag na lang nilang ganunin.. kc ok lang naman sa akin eh
m: tapos instead of them na magconfront.. ikaw na lang
m: sabihin mo ayaw mo ung ganong biro.. dba?!
p: oo nga...
p: shucks
p: hehehe
p: parang ang simple pag ikaw nagsasabi
we're not worthy!!!!!!!
p: hehehe
m: hehe..
m: ganon??!
p: siguro nga i just have to talk to her...
m: syemps.. ndi ko pa rin talaga kung ano ung nararamdaman mo..
m: pagpray nyo na lang masmabuti pa
p: hehehe... nakakalimutan ko na nga eh...
p: pero promise... di talaga ako ung tao na nagdadamdam
m: yeah
m: at pagpray mo muna b4 you talk to her
p: kaya nashoshock ako dun sa mga nangyayari... masyado akiong... anong word un
p: ummm.... ung ano
p: ung hinahayaan mo nalang...
p: antonym ng active
m: ahhh.. dats gud..
m: hehe
p: hmmm....
m: ahhh
p: inactive? hindi eh....
p: parang may letter s
m: pero minsan ndi rin dapat ganon lagi..
m: minsan u nid to confront din
p: ganun ba?
p: hmmm...
p: i never thought of it that way
p: di kasi ako palaaway eh... ehhehehe
p: passive! ayun, naalala ko na
p: uy, thanks talaga ha... u dont know how much you've helped me just by listening (or reading)
p: iggreet kita sa blog ko...
p: i agree about the "sometimes u need to confront people" thing
m: hehehe
m: ei BRB..
m: taposin ko muna ung gawain ko
m: be back
p: sure... sorry ang sagabal ko!
m: ahh
m: syemps para malaman nya rin na mali na sya dba??!
m: cge BRB..
p: okie
m: il buZZ u n lang
p: yufffff
m: ndi ok lang
m: hehehe

oh crap, ran out of internet... i'll just edit this when i'm not using our vibe account... anyways, i'm just so glad he was there. he even took out time from his job just to listen to me. i thought it was so nice. soooo nice and i guess i'm still reeling because i can't believe how clear it all is now it's super clear. i can't believe it. thanks kuya mark. you don't know how happy i am...

i should pray tonight. i should because it's right. i should because i haven't in a while. i should.

i'm not a man. i'm still a boy and there are times when people feel like they need to interfere with my affairs. i love my sisters for what they're doing. i know that it's for me, whatever war they're waging. but still, i cant help but feel like i'm caught in the middle.

thank God, my download just finished. i've been downloading white houses for fifty million hours now. it's such a cute song. here are the lyrics.

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
This bungalow alone with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's til the end
Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's black leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep
In white houses

i'm not sure if these lyrics are accurate though. i especially like the line when she says "when she dances, she goes and goes" and she really is dancing ala-courtesan in the video...

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

it's irrational for one person to be this excited.

i love it. i want it. give it to me NOW!

don't you just love how beyonce just popped in? kelly looks like a man, as always. michelle's so pretty.

CD wish list for (ahem ahem) christmas: obviously, that plus the new vanessa carlton album. i also want the jewel christmas disc i've been looking for so long! plus liz phair and the new gwen disc. aaargh! so much cds so little money!

puto bumbong induced migraine

i ate too much puto bumbongs and now i've got a migraine.

i watched god is good and i'm not just a while ago. it's a cute movie, albeit feel-good but not really what i expected. anyways, my so-called day off from layouting is such bullshit. i'm stuck at home listening to my (NEW!) switchfoot album and layouting the guest articles. oh crap.

ugh... i'm so sleepy but i can't go to bed. the sun's up and it doesn't make me happy. hmmm...

Monday, October 25, 2004

at the center of learning (what is it pt. 2?)

i'm at the EJ office right now and i'm feeling a bit possessed. they're going over the small corrections i made yesterday for the features and r&d department. i feel stupid.

this is stupid and contagious...smells like teen spirit

hi einj! are you reading this? hi!

Sunday, October 24, 2004


if you were in love with a person who felt nothing for you, what would you do? if you felt this person deep in your heart... if you were seeing her, smelling her, breathing her essence and yet she felt total apathy for you, what would you do? if she was so heartbreakingly beautiful both inside and out and she asked you to stick around as to not hurt your feelings, how would you react? how would you continue to love her even if you knew she was just being nice...

why do i love her? why doesn't she love me back? why do i feel jealous of him when she's told me a million times that i've got nothing to worry about. he loves her. he does and he's not making any moves on my behalf. what if they were meant for each other? i've often seen that extra glimmer in her eyes when she speaks out his name... bryan. bryan... it's so lovely when she says it. nyl... nyl... when you say my name i hear nothing special in your voice.

you belong together. we don't. i don't know how i can tell you. i can't find the right words. i feel like those times you told me you missed me, you were just being nice. you were holding on for that tiny glimmer of bryan that you couldn't find in me. was it his style? was it his speech? for the many parts of our relationship, i had prayed you would find it. i wanted to be more like him. i really did. but now i know i'm just fooling myself. i'm pretending that you like me for me and not the man i try to be when you're around. yes, i love you and no, you don't love me. stop pretending. stop all this nonsense.

it's like that uber cheesy song from the eighties... i don't have the heart to hurt you. it's the last thing i wanna do. but i don't have the heart to love you. not the way you want me to... i wanna tell you to stop this charades. stop before any of us truly gets hurt but i just don't have the right words... i never had the balls to prove i loved you and now i don't have the balls to tell you i don't.

we lack chemistry. we lack luster. we lack this:

this is a poem i wrote in church this morning. it's for my ex. this is what i miss.

Kiss the sun to feel the heat
Know that it's bodily warmth you seek
Your fingers caress my body with each touch
Know that I've never felt so much

Embrace the moon and spin like a wheel
Confusing all the dreams from what is real
These opiate eyes that hold so much laughter
Remember it's bodily bliss we're after

Swallow the stars and never feel hunger
Dwell on the points that we carelessly pondered
Get lost in the moon and its incandescent light
Forget all your worries, fears, and frights

there. i've said my piece. when i feel that for you. when i feel that longingness that only happens when you return my feelings... that's when i'll know its right.. it's too much to ask of you. i just hope i have the balls to say this to you in person.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

after fifty million years nanaman!

wow... i've been so into my work as a staffer that i've neglected my blog! gasp!!!

well, let me give you a recap of what happened these past few days.

last tuesday, i got to school at about 9:20 and there was nobody inside. i was so friggin bored that i sat outside the office door and started working right then and there. debbie finally arrived at about 10-ish and we fiddled around the EJ's table of contents a little more. a little tweak here and there and voila, it's purrrrfect!

i was trying really hard not to do so many things because i didn't want to step on other people. it's just that i get this feeling that i know i can do better than what has already been done and i just soooooo want this edition of EJ to be uber special... i guess sometimes i just get too loaded. i was actually afraid that i might hurt kuya rhyan's feelings. i mean i'm not saying his cover for the EJ wasn't good. it's just that it lacked the maturity (or immaturity) that i felt was the overall guide to the new look. we had to discard all of the signs of the old EJs and his cover reminded me of all the other EJs. it had to go.

so i made a new one. it was a corkboard and there was tape and everything. post it reminders and diskettes and polaroids of food that we like. anyways, they didn't really like it but i found a way for us to use it. it's going to be on page 3 (page 1 is the cover) where kuya erwin's message regarding the new look will appear.

also, i heard that ate phoebe was sort of making tampo because she felt like her powers were being underminded. in reality, all this layouting and image manipulation i'm doing is supposed to be her job as arts editor but since i have a laptop and the skills to do it, i took the job. i never meant to step on other people. i hope that's clear.

we went to the publishing house and everyone was peachy and fun (plastic?). we went home at mga 7 but not after we stood outside the pub house (no dirty thoughts!) for a good ten minutes just saying goodbye. i really felt bonded. i wasn't going to get my clearnance today because we were supposed to have a pictorial with dominic james on thursday and i wanted to have long-ish hair. but since everything got moved and my enrolment is on saturday, i'm considering getting my hair cut.

if i don't get it cut, i can't enrol or do anything for that matter. my enrolment is on saturday and my only chance for me to have long hair during enrolment is if i have someone else get my clearance. who's willing to do that? hmmm... who can i convince?

anyways, that was so last week. everything got sorted out. if you're wondering why my chronos is so fucked up, its because i stopped writing this post and now i'm back.

so this has been what's happening these past few days. on thursday and friday, we layouted stuff for the paper. it's really shaping up now. what was disappointing though, and i don't mean no disrespect, was that most of the articles were crap. i mean i didn't read the features articles yet but after reading several r&d artciles, i just wanted to wallow in all the crap... i've been editing articles all night and i just don't know if i'm stepping into any new feet again. aaargh! i swear i'm quitting EJ. i'm trying out for the varsitarian. though they too have crappy articles, at least it would look better on my resume! (if you're an EJ staffer and you're reading this, think of it as our little secret :D)

still a bit worried about kim, the EJ ghost. on my post above, i said i sat outside the door at 9:20. ryan called the office at 9 and a girl named kim answered the phone. creepy... not only was there i the first to get there at 9:20, the doors were locked and the aircon was closed. it was impossible for someone to be in there. creepy... really creepy...

we had enrolment this morning. i arrived at 7, hoping to be finished by about 8-ish so that i could go home and layout EJ. i finished at about 11 and i had to go to the dean's office. my horrors! i didn't have my hair cut. charisse got my clearance c/o a letter from my (air-quotes) "mother" and so i eradicated the need for a haircut. thankfully, father (roy) wasn't there and i wore a cap just to be safe.

ate debbie and i have been eating at this cool place in piy margal. wala lang, just felt like it needed mentioning.

i'm still a little scared of monds. i dunno. must be my fear of bald/semi-bald men who are taller than me. he's nice. seems nice, if ever he isn't. ate debbie told me how they met and i smiled (politely but smiled nonetheless). it was a cute story about forever living products that i don't think is interesting enough to bear mention here.

gawd... back to editing. i swear. i hope i don't violate any people. it's just that everything's so wrong! some errors are not grammatical in nature but they just have a weird way of writing things. i'm afraid to step into other people's shoes. i am. but i still do the things i do. gawd... can i just die now?

went to chapi and i bought amelie, this other french movie from the girl in amelie, mean girls (vvg!) and y tu mama to replace the copy that alpha lost. i figured i'd rather buy a new one than make him kulit about it. also bought alter bridge (creed with a new singer) and a special edition of my latest fave - keane. but it wasn't working so i probably need to go back ASAP.

Friday, October 22, 2004

after fifty million years

i didn't go to aero today... feel kinda sad that i wasn't able to go. i've been working on a really long post that highlights these past few days but i still haven't posted it yet. i'm here at the EJ office working for the layout. it's really purrrrty... got loads of help from all the EJ staffers! till next time!

Monday, October 18, 2004

i <3 puto bung-bongs! (at the center of learning pt.2)

hi freaky folks! i just got home from such a hectic day! let's start at the very beginning because... it's a very good place to start!

in the morning, carlo's insessant calling woke me up at about five am. i have a special profile on my cellphone for when i'm sleeping. there is no message alert tone so it only vibrates but the ringing tone is set to the highest volume. that way, when people call my cel to wake me up, they'll do so. but this particular morning, i wasn't supposed to be up that early. i finally got up and i called him up and i was surprised he wasn't prepping up or anything. he was just there, content to waking me up i guess..

cameron came along. no, not from myspace. he was my classmate in high school. after aero, he and i jogged a bit. then we went home and i went to school...

today was jem's last day in our house. she left for cavite this morning and she texted me this afternoon. she was probably bored. it was a cheesy prank. she texted me "hi, this is jasmine trias, can i be your textmate?" which reminded me of the prank we played on her when we were kids when we called the house from our neighbor's place to ask if she could be our phonepal. she bit the bait and we were laughing hysterically.

when i got to the EJ office, kuya rhyan, ate dich, cyrus, and ate debbie were all there. kuya erwin was also there too but i didnt see him when i got there. we layouted(?) all day long. actually, no. we chatted all morning amidst corrections and hurried deadlines. when it was time for lunch, we went to kenny rogers looking for the P199 chicken. the place was packed so we went next door to mcdonald's. the place was soooo hot and we all felt like eating chikinjoy! so we went across the street to jollibee and we ate to our heart's content. on the staircase, we saw a painting of different joliibee food against a cubist background. we got the idea for our table of contents with this. when it's through, i'll post it here, okay?

so at about 6-ish to 7-ish, we decided to go home. monds, ate (d)ebbie's boyfriend was downstairs and i wasn't really worried about the laptop in my bag or anything until they talked me into getting scared silly. ate ebbie said she wanted monds and her to wait for me till i got a ride home. kuya monds said it's dangerous and that he doesn't want me to get held up like what happened to him before. i got scared and i hurriedly rode an fx bound for SM north. i had to take two rides. i felt kind of rude since i really left early and hurried. i wonder if they thought i was rude.

in sm north, i contemplated on buying a mister donut. i instead bought a puto bung-bong in the city hall tiangge. it was so delicious. after eating dinner, i called ate ebbie to make sure i wasn't rude or anything. this day is so productive. hope there can be more like it.

current worry: the dominic james P35,000 sponsored photography shoot is on thursday and i still can't do situps due to my tailbone injury.


i <3 puto bung-bongs!
heart, nyl :D

at the center of learning pt.1

this morning, aero was a lot of fun. i really didn't finish it since me and cam (yes, he went along) decided to go jogging.

right now, i'm at the ej office. i can't really talk too much since i'm using official ej time on the net. sorry! :D

Sunday, October 17, 2004

QuickKwiz : Bloggers' Quiz - What Is Your Best Sexual Skill

Hahaha! So true except that I'm a bad flirt and I'm a better kisser!

by the way, i changed the name down there. it used to carry my whole name which i don't really reveal to everyone i meet!

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Flirting Skill Level - 94%

Kissing Skill Level - 58%

Cudding Skill Level - 42%

Sex Skill Level - 84%

Why They Love You You know exactly what they want.
Why They Hate You You are too sexy.
This quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 862563 Times.

sunday school fiasco. no <3s today.

Today, I seriously reconsidered my calling as a teacher. Seldom times have I doubted that this was the way God wanted me to go. It was as if He purposely led me to go there as His servant. The reason why I didn't get into any other colleges because this was the way He planned me to go. But today... today of all days... is the day that I seriously rethought my position.

I set my alarm last night for 5:30 AM. I wanted to start the day early with a quick jog and then be back home by 7 to get ready for church. Lola gave me some Ben Gay for my back last night so I was sure I'd feel better. But I woke up and I wasn't any better. I slept through the morning and woke up at 8 – thirty minutes before we were expected in church. There wasn't any water and mom was taking a bath in the ground floor bathroom. It was the only bathroom that had running water. I ate breakfast, my back still hurting. I felt so stressed out. Not only did I not go jogging, I would probably also be late for school. I was getting fatter by the minute after I raided the bag of Choc Nut that mom bought yesterday. I haven't done sit-ups for about a week and a half today. Before, I felt too lazy to do sit-ups at the rate that I was going before. Now, I physically can't do that anymore. It's like when I finally got my reason to stop exercising, I wanted to start again. Physical, emotional, spiritual stress all abound. I just wanted to give up. I know, I'm such a drama king. Shoot me.

Ruth (Mark's sister) texted me that she was tambourine-ing in the 10:30 service as well and she was leaving her class to me and Grace.

So after mom, I told Tep to go take a bath first since it's not really a big deal for me to go to the 8:45 service in church. Unlike her, I didn't have to teach Sunday School at that hour (My schedule was at 10:30). After her, I let Jem (my cousin who's staying over) bathe first since she was a girl (and today, chivalry is dead). While she was in the bathroom, mom was busting my balls for being too slow and not taking a bath right away. After about ten more minutes of insistent nagging, she and Teppy finally went to church without me and Jem. About fifteen minutes later, me and Jem went to church. The sermon was a bit too preach-y for my taste. Pastor Roy was the speaker and he's the pastor that least appeals to me. I guess his style really isn't for the young.

So I threw my back yesterday, right? I promised myself I wouldn't lift any kids. I promised myself I wouldn't bend so much (to not add any more stress to my back). Grace had to teach the bigger kids because their teacher had gone tambourine-ing too. I was left all alone to the mercy of about twenty preschoolers. I was a bit extra ornery because of my back. All the kids started to play. One of the kids even cried and I had to carry her to Grace. She was a girl and I couldn't reach her. She wouldn't even face me. I just wanted to die! GOD! Shoot me now! Some of the yayas were saying "Saan yung teacher?" (Where's the teacher?) and I wanted to go "You're looking at him" but something told me I was far from these kids' teacher. I was just the assistant and I couldn't shape them up. There were no chairs, no tables to support their learning. The room was a pit of accidents with their low shelves and power sockets everywhere within the children's reach. I knew I was so not meant to be a teacher. I just wanted to run away. When Ruth finally came, she took away the older kids and left the younger kids with me. Eliza, the preschool teacher was M-I-A this week again. I didn't know what to do. I had to deal with the kids one by one, especially this one kid named Princess who was about 2. She was quite the bothersome pest and she always went near the power sockets. About fifteen times, I just stopped and rethought my obligations. Was I supposed to be a teacher? Why couldn't I shape these kids up? Why didn't they listen to me? Why do some of them throw toys at me (yes, they did). Why are some of them afraid of me? I just didn't know what to do. My back was killing me and I wanted to lie down but I couldn't. Not now that there were about three moms and five yayas watching me. I prepared a story but I doubt if they would've listened to me since some of them could not even speak yet. I just stood there, babysitting them. I couldn't help but pick some of them up (bending and lifting – two absolute no-no's) just to stop them from walking out the door. I doubt if they'll be back again. I'm not a teacher. I doubt if I'll ever be the kind of teacher who commands respect and gets results. I was the inefficient teacher. I am the teacher your parents warned you about. I am evil.

I wanted to shoot myself right then and there. The vocation I was so passionate about... the vocation I was convinced I was called for... the vocation I thought God intended for me... it was staring me in the face and I couldn't do anything. About thirty minutes before service was to end, Sis Phoebe (pronounced Febi) went inside to teach them about Zacchaeus and how he climbed up a tree. When she used to do this, I thought "I could do this!". Now, I stared at this septuagenarian and wondered how the hell she was doing what she was doing. I wanted to die. My back wanted to give up.

Grace looked at me after all this and asked me if I was okay. I tried to explain to Ruth and Sis Cecile (Ruth and Mark's mum) about how I fell seven times yesterday and never quite recovered but I just felt like an idiot -- an idiot with no calling for educating the youth. I didn't know what to tell Grace. There was absolutely no excuse for what just happened and I guess that was the most awful thing I had to face.

nyl :c

Saturday, October 16, 2004

chivalry is dead.

chivalry is dead. (mona lisa smile inspired)

is it really? I've asked myself this question so many times. there are times when I'm bombarded with all these feminist ideas on how guys should treat girls. girls can do anything guys can and no special treatment should be given. but why is it that in the mrt or in the bus, we're always expected to give up our seat? people frown upon the able bodied man who sits down when a middle-aged lady with five shopping bags is hanging on to her life. who knows the story of either individual. maybe the guy has been standing all day. maybe she has been sitting all her life and so standing up is rest for her. people don't think that anymore. they just assume the guy is some male chauvinist pig who's so into himself that he doesn't care about anyone else, women especially. there was one time I walked around makati for about an hour and all I wanted was to sit down in the mrt. but when I got there, after a few stations, I just had this weird feeling that I wanted to give my seat up. I did, actually, and my feet hurt even more.

so really, is chivalry dead? or does it die when girls want it to? there was a time when men were thought of as a higher gender. after a while, women fought for equal footing. there's no harm in that, really. I think it's quite commendable for someone to fight back under pressure. but for these same women to look back after a few years and say that men are the weaker sex, I think that's crazy. they're guilty of the same crime that they so lovingly accused our entire gender of. why is it that they once said men and women are equal and now they turn around and say men are idiots. idiotic chauvinist pigs. I think that's just plain crazy.

why are women like this? they expect us to give up our chair and never assert our rights. after watching mona lisa smile, I finally got my answer. after so many years of oppression, these women finally fought back. it's fine. perfect... peachy ... fine... but what was funny was women were the same people who enforced these crooked ideals. wasn't it a woman who said to Julia Roberts to not be so liberal. wasn't it a woman who wrote all those crooked things about the same women who fought for their rights

chivalry is dead. yeah right. more of men are too stupid to notice that chivalry dies when women want it to.

wow, this is getting pretty long. did anybody see house of flying daggers? horrible movie with a pathetic excuse for a plot. all the acting skills of the actors and actresses went straight to the pooper. how many times must zhang zi yi die and then resurrect? anyways, I think that movie is the perfect example of the two faces of women. zhang zi yi kicks ass. she's supposedly blind and she kicks several men's asses (some even simultaneously) but then she gets rescued by takeshi kaneshiro and then suddenly, everything's jello. she reverts into this weakling kitty I'm-so-in-love with you gooey eyed girl. she is after all still a girl. a girl who may think she wants chivalry to die. a girl who may think that men are the weaker sex. but at the end of the day, she is still a girl and at the sight of a man who can dominate her reverts to her original state. woman was made this way, I hope. otherwise, she's been working extra hard for everyone else, including the future generations to learn this.

call me a pompous pug(nosedfreakazoid?). call me a chauvinist pig. call me anything you like but I'm just a man who's speaking my mind. maybe I'm a little extra ornery. my tailbone still hurts. aaaah!

The number of the day is seven.

kuya mark gave me a testimonial too after i wrote him one yesterday. hahaha... friendly friends in church! :D but that's not what i wanted to write about.

The number of the day is seven.

Let me tell you why in a while. First, I'll tell you how awful my day started. I got up at about 5:30. I was ready by quarter to six. Just then, I remembered that I hadn't called Carlo to wake him up. About half an hour later, I was still at home, waiting impatiently. I just wanted to bash in his head. I was so weary of waiting that I went outside to perhaps meet him but after about five minutes of standing there like a fool (even though he said he left tem minutes ago), he still wasn't there. When we did get to aero, the lady didn't charge us entrance anymore since there were only fifteen minutes left -- fifteen minutes of cooling down when I didn't even break a sweat. It's sooooo annoying. I resolved to never wait for him again. Don't guys usually take five minutes to get ready? I mean, I thought my grooming time was a bit excessive but when you go running at six in the morning, people don't expect you to be oil-free. They won't check out your hair or your clothes. They expect you to be there, running, giving it at least a little bit of effort.

What was more annoying was he wasn't the least bit remorseful. We just walked in silence without uttering a word to one another. We jogged, we walked, we ran... what I couldn't stand was when I was tired, he would slow down, too. Your workout should be tailored to your personal capabilities and limitations. I wanted to leave him but he was much faster than me. Half the time, I just wanted to go home. I'm not as tough as I expected though since I stuck around anyway. After a few laps, I decided to drink juice since I was sweating like a hog. (do hogs sweat?) I was wearing a blue jacket to sweat more. We were walking while drinking and he was doing small talk. He talked about stupid things until we reached the roller skating rink. I was in a pretty bad mood so when he said he wanted to go skating, I went along. Never in a million years would I have tried that had I been sane or even remotely aware of what I was getting into. I mean, they make it look so easy in the movies, I was almost positively sure that it couldn't be THAT hard. Well, it wasn't THAT hard, it was THIS FUCKING HARD. I fell hard on my ass seven times. SEVEN TIMES! That's seven times too many. It's not the cutesy-pootsy fall that you see on TV when they're holding on to each other and she falls with utmost grace. No, this is tactless, poise-less, shameless, and unadulterated sitting-down-while-in-mid-air-then-finally-falling-on-your-stupid-fat-ass kind of falling. I was airborne for half the time! I couldn't just pick up and leave since I only had P20 and Carlo lent me the money to get in so it was really embarrassing if I just picked up and left, right? We had to stay for an hour, much to the delight of the not so innocent bystanders. At first, I could really get it. I would skate for a while, wobble, and then skate again. Plus, there was the occasional fall that knocked the wind out of me. And as if things couldn't get worse, two prepubescent girls (one was about 5 and the other 8) were there, skating (one was even rollerblading) as if it was the easiest thing. One of them even said "Kuya, mas magaling pa yung kapatid kong baby pa kaysa sa'yo!" (My baby sibling can do better than that!) I wanted to die. For P50 (per hour), I gave up my pride and dignity. For roughly $1, you can buy my pride. It was soooooo annoying.

So while skating, things between me and Carlo were starting to be better. We talked and I even forgot that he made me wait so long. Right after, I said "let's run all the way to the food plaza and then walk the rest home" That was the last I saw of him. I ran and he wasn't there. I'm still not sure if he got home aight or if the old gay matrona who was psssst-ing me is Sodomizing him now. I sure hope not.

So folks, remember the number of the day. 7. 7 times. I fell on my ass 7 times. 7 times too many. 7 times that I will never have back. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I know of a certain tailbone who needs icing. Does anyone know the symptoms of a sprained tailbone? OW! JEEZ!!! uuuuughhhh...

Friday, October 15, 2004

something awful happened

my last post didn't appear in the listing! argh! after all that... :( anyways, i'm not particularly swayed and i'll tell my story again. hopefully, it'll have more structure this time.

i hope it appears anyway... if it does, at least this post is more detailed in the explanation of the movies.

the festival is called pelicula pelikula and we went to the first screening which was at two. the movie was called ana y los otros (ana and the others) and it was the most gawdawful movie ever. i think the only movie that compares to it is mano po (which was an insult to the filipino and chinese race, both of which i am partially a part of). it was watching ana come home from buenos aires and basically borderline stalking her boyfriend. it was soooooo boring. when she finally meets the guy after 80 minutes of total boredom, the end credits role and i swear i just could not believe it. i was like "are u sure it's over? maybe we should stick around till the credits end!" they did and so did the movie. it was 80 minutes of my life that i wasted and shall never get back again.

the good thing was we had about an hour or so to burn before the next flick so i was able to eat in popeye's with carlo and go shopping. was able to buy a cute soundtrack mp3 cd. it has... excuse me while i get it... confessions of a teenage drama queen, the prince and me, spiderman 2, kill bill 2, love actually and u got served (ew). there....

the next flick was el vieja del carol (carol's journey and noooo not the disposable underpants). it was sort of kiddy in nature. it was about this kid who went to spain with her mother. they used to be from new york but they decided to come home. the mother ultimately revealed she went home to die. kinda morbid. along the way, she meets a lot of friends who risk everything, even life for her sake. carol's mom looked a lot like cherie gil. i've been saying it over and over while the movie played. it turns out they must be far relatives since her last name was gil too.

on the way home, i super hurried and i had to take a jeepney from quezon avenue to city hall. it's not that i mind but it's reeeeealy hot and i didn't want to be sweaty in time for cell (prayer meeting). when i got here, sis cecille and her son mark were already here. i really wanted to be kinda close to mark since he's really nice and we always see each other in church but never really greeted each other. cell was a bit slow. we were talking about things that we already discussed before. the merienda portion was so much better. we talked about anything and me, mark, and paolo (ortiz) picked on teppy. she threatened to tell them the story of me pooping my barney briefs in disneyland (9 years ago!) so i just shut up. hello! i wasn't even ten yet! i guess that's excusable (right?) anyways, i'm glad mark and i are friends since now i can honsetly greet him in church. i'm not the kind who greets people i don't know (at least not whole heartedly greet them) unless i really know them. so there... it was fun. paolo has a new tattoo which i'm a bit scared of. mark has a new job in trend micro (makers of pc-cillin) and this was probably the last time he can attend cell (awwww...) anyways, i guess it's all good since he can finally stop the whole pambansang alalay thing he has going on for him.

i just refreshed my blog. the post is there na but i'll post it anyway. thanks again candlemaker. how did u get a hold of my blog anyway? hope u visit my site too! i like online friends, i do!

oh before i forget, today i bought a kubing in a tiangge (thrift store) and it's so cool. it's the little bamboo thing that you place at the opening of your mouth and then you flick it and it makes a cute rubbery noise. it's so nice! :D

well, that's it. this is my 3rd post today. got to sleep early since i want to go jogging tomorrow!

get a hold of me!

this could get messy. it's about church so if it's not your kind of thing, just go elsewhere.

so cell just ended and here's what happened. at first, things were slow. sis. cecille and mark got here early and i was a bit tense (late!) since i came from greenbelt pa. it was a bit slow because the subject was a bit old na but the merienda time was so much fun. i finally got to talk to kuya mark and it wasn't awkward or anything. i really feel like we connected. finally, i won't be so shy when he greets me in church. it's always been my problem. i'm not quite sure how to react with church folk.

the spanish film festival was fun. i found out it was called pelicula pelikula. i just want to say, RESEARCH THE MOVIES FIRST BEFORE DIVING IN! i had to sit through this movie called ana y los otros (anna and the others) and it was so horrible. just when the movie was sort of looking up, it ended. right there. before the climax, it suddenly ended. it was so funny because i was like "are u sure it's over? maybe we should stick around for the end credits" and they rolled and the movie still ended. it totally sucked.

the next movie was so cute. it was.. wait i totally spaced and forgot. el... el viaje del Carol. (carol's journey) and it was a kiddie flick. it was about this girl who grew up in new york and her mother moved back to madrid (?) with her. it was so weird since she so didn't sound like she was a yankee.

it was okay i guess considering it was only P30 (plus lola paid for one of them) so that means i just watched el viaje and had to sit through an awful and reaaaaaly long trailer.

i bought this cd (isjapeyks) and its got the soundtrack of love actually, confessions of a teenage drama queen, spiderman, and something else. i forgot. it's nice. im listening to it now.

this guy/girl named candlemaker just commented on my blog! thanks! i didn't know people read this! to candelmaker: well, i'm going back on monday. there's supposedly this really funny sex comedy from spain. ana y los otros was soooo horrible and the copy was so unclear. i'll be sure to look for your suggested movies. i just loooove european movies. my favorites are cinema paradiso and malena and y tu mama (but i think y tu's a bit overrated and all the hype gets in the way!). so that's it. c u next time! :D

my own private spanish film festival

hi! hehehe... i just got home from running again and i tried aerodancing. it's kinda fun. we danced on the side beside this girl and what looks suspiciously like her lesbian lover. i dunno. it could be a really fat guy but i just figured s/he was her lesbian luuuuuuver...

we're going to the spanish film festival later! i'm still contemplating if i should watch two spanish movies or just one. the first screening is at two. i've been calling argee... trying my gosh darn best to wake him up. note to self: tell argee it starts at two so i don't need to wake him up so early. anyways, it's so nice that i'm going. i'm kinda excited na nga eh.

i watched this movie last night called el crimed del padre amaro (?) in english, the crime of padre amaro (not sure about his name) it stars gael of y tu mama fame. i used to think "what the heck do they see in gael? he's so average. compare him to diego luna, who according to some fansites, is a GOD! hehehe" well, it's an art film-y movie that i rented because i couldn't go to the spanish film festival yesterday. i decided to make my own festival! but the limited resources in our not-so-friendly video store only had a limited supply so i had to rent it. it was mexican though (the film) and it was about this priest who gave in to temptation. it was sort of an eye opener. my favorite line is when the head priest (who's also having an affair) says "we are priests" or something to that effect to sort of tell gael to back off the relationship. but then gael says "we are men, too" and it was funny because the head dude was acting all high and mighty but he was actually in an affair too. there was an angle that the movie did not explore . right before he has a heart attack, the head guy says he's been doing it with a virgin child and (ewww... can i just say... ewww) i figured there was only 1 virgin child there -- a special child who everyone thought was demon possessed. it would explain why he was so ornery at the thought of cathetical lessons for that child. but just when i thought the movie was headed that-a-way, gael's luuuuver died and the movie ended. it was nice but i still don't know how i'm supposed to react. maybe it's because i'm not catholic that's why i sorta kinda medyo liked it (uuuy.... pa safe!). it was sooo against the church. a real eye opener. you guys should see it, too. :D


Thursday, October 14, 2004

pugnosedbabblefest italics

why is my blog in italics?!?!?!?! even my profile is italicised?!?!?! i'm not pretentious! i don't like it!


sleep all day

hi! i updated my website and there's the link. wow. i feel so contented. like a huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders.

so this morning, i went running again. i got there at about 6:15 --15 minutes later than i did yesterday.

on my way to the inner circle, i came across a group of screaming faggots. i could hear them saying something about a person in a black jacket. i looked around and i was the only one wearing a jacket (although mine was dark blue). at first i didn't pay it any mind but when they said red shorts (claret PE) i knew they were talking about me. they weren't talking BS or anything. more of... how do i put this... i heard one of them saying "kahit san ka tatakbo, hahabulin kita!" and "papahirin ko pawis mo!". i was so creeped out that i had an early jumpstart at running.

i'm not homophobic or anything but there's something about these kinds of encounters that gives me the creeps. isn't it enough that society accepts "your" kind? do I have to accept it?

so back to the running. the aerodance group was there again and the closet dancers were all there too. what was funny was that the same people in the same places were there. the old guy with the purple bag was there behind the bushes near the food plaza. it was so amusing. there was a couple that i especially liked. yesterday, i noticed a fat lady dancing along and her husband, looking EXTREMELY bored was just sitting there. i thought maybe it was a one time thing but when i got there they were also there in the exact same place. the hubby was still on the bench looking EXTREMELY bored with the morning paper.

while running, i overtook a guy in a white sando, blue jogging pants and last season's "foxy" highlights. soon after, i noticed he wasn't jogging anymore. i thought maybe it was because i overtook him and perhaps he felt bad (?) he sat on a bench and stared at a distance. when i would pass by, he would look at me and i got scared. maybe he was mad! i seriously got scared. after a while, i noticed he wasn't looking at the other joggers so around my fourth lap, i decided to do one more and then stop for refreshments. when i passed his bench, he wasn't there anymore. i saw him again on the spot where the runners usually start and he was walking really slow towards my direction. i got so scared that i started thinking "would people run to my aid if i screamed my lungs out?". (i could hear him. he was psssst-ing me. just like what happened yesterday. he was psssts-ing me! i don't know what psssst means. )just when i thought collision was inevitable, i reached the food plaza and was able to cool down properly.

so i went to the outer circle to drink my cup of juice and i sat down on one of the more quiet parts of the park. i was going to sit down on me and carlo's usual bench but some idiot left a dalandan there and these fruitflies were feasting on it. uber gross! i was going to sit down on another bench but i noticed an old guy wearing a muscle shirt was going to sit down. but when he noticed i was walking in the same direction, he backed off. while backing off though, he pssssted me. what the hell does psssst mean!?!?!?! i mean, i'm pretty sure i'm not just hearing things. i saw his mouth as he psssted me. (it was dry and old.) i sat down, took off my jacket and cooled down. he stood in my peripheral vision for a good five minutes. i wasn't sure if he was waiting for me or psssting me. it was creepy! i didn't leave until he did so i was just sitting there with an empty cup waiting for this creepy guy to go away!

so on my last 2 laps, i was feeling a bit creeped out. every person was a suspect for the pssssting. is he going to psst me? is she? on my first of two last laps, the guy with the highlights was there but he couldn't see me. i noticed the same gay posse and as i was jogging i could see one of them calling another one and the guy he called said (in a very loud voice) "ay! pogi nga!" i was so sure it wasn't me since i'm not in any remote way handsome. but when i noticed my fellow joggers, i was a bit confused. there were two old dudes. a dark, fat doctor and a woman with red stretchy pants. so call me crazy but was he calling me?

on my second lap, i wanted to talk to highlights boy to ask him what pssst means. i made a loud sound with my jacket as i unzipped it to see if he would look but he didn't. he probably thought i went home since the food plaza is on the road back. i didn't do anything else. i just did one last lap - walking this time so that i won't be so haggard. two people psssted me today. when i got home, i looked in the mirror to see if i looked any different. i'm a bit chubbier. a bit paler. a bit more rested. was that why?

so to conclude: i look better in the morning. *lol* joke!

so, if anybody knows what pssst means, please tell me. carlo says its probably what customers do to call callboys. or pimps or whatever. so that was it. till next time.


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

i went jogging... err... running

it's really early. i just came home from jogging and i've just got this glow that i just can't get rid of. maybe it'll be better if i explain what happened.

so i got there and this urgent beat of dance music bombarded me. TENTENENENENEN! TENTENENENENENEN! i thought, hey the circus is in town! hehehe JOKE! the team exercise was there and they were doing all these moves. i wanted to join them since i remember aerodance burned so much when i was in discovery spas. but the urge suddenly died when i realized it was mostly old people (and fatties) who were there. i then contented myself to embarrassing the closet aerodancers. they were the people who aerodanced on the side. i stared at them as i jogged past them to see if they would stop. you know what, they do!

so about half an hour later, i was drinking a glass of mango juice, cooling down and i was walking the outer loop round the corner of the callboys. it was morning so i was sure they weren't there. to my surprise, there were a couple left, drinking their morning coffee. on my way back to the inner loop, i noticed someone was "pssst"ing me. now, i'm usually not the kind who gets psssted a lot. i remember getting pssssted about two or three times when i'm on my way home from school and it's kinda dark na (mga 9?) and i usually paid it no mind. but this time, it was morning so i thought hmmm... i might actually know this person. i was wearing my claret PE shorts so perhaps it was a classmate or a teacher. i looked and i saw this (screaming) faggot. F-AG-G-O-T! he was whispering obsceneties to my horror, of course. i could hear a few "pogi!"s, "anong pangalan mo"s and a few "pwede bang magpakilala?"s here and there. right then and there, i dropped my cup of mango juice that was still half empty (half full if you're an optimist) and ran. i ran! i ran like i was running from the devil. maybe i was.

so on my second go at running and about my tenth lap around quezon city circle, i started to think of what happened and i was kinda gleaming. maybe it was because someone actually noticed me. whether it be a (screaming) faggot, a matrona or anybody for that matter, someone noticed me and for this i'm glad.

pretty people made me sad. i may not be a pretty (handsome) person but at least i get noticed. that makes me, what, average? i mean when it comes to times like this, i realize that not everybody out there is six feet tall, perfect hair, pearly white teeth, chiselled abs... no. people.. real ordinary people are just like you and me with a few fat patches here and there and not so perfect hair and teeth. so there, chalk another one up for self-psychosis.

now, back to the aerodance. here's what happened.

on my first lap: people were dancing to the VERY LOUD MUSIC. i noticed two instructors onstage.

on my second lap: the sole female intsructor started screamin "WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" every thirty seconds or so. mostly right before i pass by the old bench with the "someone <3's someone else" engraved on it.

on my third lap: another male instructor joins them. he's late, i thought to myself. a couple of people started laughing at the female instructor's (for lack of a better word) ligalig.

on my fourth and succeding laps: these same people joined the "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"-fest and it was only a matter of time when i was also woohooing -- in my mind though.

so that was it. i need to go work on my update now.

nyl <3

Monday, October 11, 2004

pretty people make me sad.

This is cameron's profile.

Some thoughts: why are some people so gosh darn attractive? why are there people like me who are so gosh darn ugly? why didn't i have a good body or better skin? why? why? why am i so cliche? hahahaha

i guess we'll never know. cameron from myspace is my friend and i'm so jealous because he's so attractive and he attracts all sorts of people. i do not know him personally. i do not know if he changes his underwear or if he humps his dog when he's horny. all i know is i'm proud to be his friend and the social climber in me wants to be associated with pretty people. maybe someday with the right rhinoplasty and psychological reassignment, i can be like cameron. will i care? will i be contented?

here i go again

i swear i want... no i need to go jogging tomorrow or else i will die an ugly obese death.

i'm chatting with butch right now and i'm kinda happy. i'm trying to get a hold of myself and not slip into my old ways of chatting alllldaaaayyyyloonggg talking about God knows what.

i just finished editing this story called Life Of Parody. I fell in love with the idea round the time i fell in love with scruffy european movies. it came out horribly, needless to say but i went and posted it on my website anyways. after a couple of months, i finally decided to edit it. it took me no less that two hours to reshuffle and recoordinate the story until it made sense.

there's this guy on my fake myspace account. he keeps sending me messages and it's kind of awkward so i gave him the truth that i wasn't casper and no, i don't wanna be casper. it was a joke that went awry and i told him if he really wants to be friends, he can send me messages in my real account. i wonder if he'll write me back.

oh gawd... i felt something on my neck and i rubbed it off. only after typing did i realize it was this huge ass ant. ewww.... scary...

i'm so fat na! i want to exercise but i'm too lazy. i have to go jogging tomorrow. i want to do sit-ups tonight! wow! this newfound enthusiasm is giving me a headache.

no one's reading my blog... i'm sad. i decided to stop my journal... my food diary. it only made me feel bad about myself.