I Can’t Make You Love Me
Luck of the Draw
I shed no tears in front of you but in the solace of my room, I am left with nothing to do but recount the steps that lead us here. These tears in my eyes and the hollow in my heart are my only witnesses. I hold your memory here.
It starts raining. I walk outside and with cupped hands, I try to catch the rain. I watch as the cold raindrops slip through my hands. I stick out my tongue, my mouth fills with rain. Perhaps this is all love is—a fleeting feeling, an inevitable ending.
I recount times I took for granted. There was a time when my heart could call out to you and you would hear it. Our hearts were bound by invisible string. Now I’m calling out to you, my voice frail but strained. Can you still hear me? There was a time when I’d reach out my hand and it would find you sleeping next to me. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you.
I never used to mind being alone. Now it haunts my sleeping and waking life. All day, silences are filled with regrets. Maybe I could’ve tried harder. Maybe you could’ve loved me back.
Someday, you and I will look back at this mess of a situation. Over coffee, cigarettes and pleasantries, we’ll talk about how good we had it back then. And if I’m good and pay my dues, maybe it won’t hurt as much. If I drink my milk and eat my vegetables, maybe you wouldn’t notice how I haven’t moved on. Maybe then, we could try again.
But right now, that seems like an eternity away. I will see many moons before I am ready. I still love you. You are in the rain, in the sunlight, in the darkness when I close my eyes. You are in my head constantly and in my heart eternally.
Oh God, what can be done with the hours? I have all this time and no one to spend it with. All this love and no one to share it with. I have all this life and only one person I want to live it with.
I come back inside, close the door and turn down the lights. Tonight, I set down my torch—the one I carry for you. It is heavy and my hands burn from holding it for too long. In its place, I light a candle. Until the flame dies out, my heart will ever be yours waiting.
Photo Credit: f8 in the rain