detachment

Dear S,

It’s funny how I should find myself writing you this letter. I guess you affected me more than I’m willing to accept. I don’t really know what I want to say. All I know is there are so many things in my heart that I need to say and if I don’t do it now, the weight of it all could crush me to bits.

Perhaps I should start from the beginning. Do you remember your first day in class? You were wearing that green shirt- the one that looks like moss and I remember how refreshing it was to see such a strange color. I introduced myself to you and your classmates, all the while noticing how you had your eyes glued on me.

This was about a month and a half after my last relationship ended so I guess I was a little lonely. I think that’s how you got to affect me in such a short period of time. You were never shy about your feelings for me. I think you told me on our third meeting. I reminded you about the rules of professionalism and how I had no plans of breaking them but I suppose you heard nothing. You interpreted it as “I like you too. I just can’t do anything because you’re in my class.” That wasn’t what I meant. Not that I didn’t want to date you. I just didn’t think it was such a good idea at that time.

And so the weeks flew by. We had a lot of fun in class. Your classmates teased us all the time. I used it to my advantage. I knew that it somehow made me more relatable, more in tune with your people. If I were to be honest, I liked the attention. I liked how your face lit up when I went in the room. I liked how pregnant your greetings were whenever we passed each other in the hallway. But if I were to be honest still, I knew I didn’t desire you. At least not in the way you needed me to. It was just something I enjoyed, something to look forward to when the day began.

Do you remember your last day? You were so happy you finally passed. You surprised me when you kissed me. I had half the mind to reprimand you for being so unprofessional. And since the point of this letter is I want to be very honest, I think it’s time you knew I kinda liked it. I liked the feeling of breaking the rules. It was so new to me. I’ve always been very obedient. I guess the fact that you initiated everything made me technically blameless so I thank you for that. I guess until that moment, I never saw a future with you. But with that few seconds, your tender lips on mine, I felt like I could, you know… I could maybe love you too.

I held back because I was afraid that your feelings for me were only temporary. That you would forget me as soon as you left my class. You once assured me it wasn’t true but I guess I know how these things work more than you do. I never saw you again. You never even came back for your certificate. For days, I questioned that brief moment when our lips locked. Should I have kissed you back? Was there something wrong in the way our lips moved? Did my breath smell like cigarettes?

But then I remembered. It was the phenomenon- the illusion that I project and sell in class. You only liked me because I had power over you. You were mesmerized at how I spoke because you knew you had to be a little more like me if you were to have any chance at getting employed. You fell in love with the image I sold, not the person I really am inside. When you didn’t need me anymore, it’s like I lost the thing that made me all shiny and sparkly. You forgot all about me.

Too many and too late were the realizations that came after you were gone. I didn’t know I liked you too. I felt bad I didn’t feel it sooner. I regretted all the time we wasted without each other. I would’ve wanted to tell you all this but I couldn’t find my voice. You took the one thing I could not live without- my ability to express myself.

I don’t blame you. It’s happened to me way too many times. I guess the purpose of this letter is to formally end whatever it was we had. I’ll miss your smile and how you always asked such interesting questions in class. I’ll miss your bubbly personality and how you always made everyone laugh when you told jokes. Oh, there’s also this other thing. I should probably tell you about someone new in my life. They say history repeats itself until we learn from it. That’s probably why C is in my life right now.

C is just like you in so many different ways although I doubt if anyone could be as forward as you. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. There is some beauty in the covert and how C leaves me with questions instead of loud statements. Be that as it may, I don’t think I can give C the same attention I gave you. I don’t want to be a victim of my illusion yet again.

I know now that the lesson I should’ve learned from you is that of detachment. I should’ve never allowed you to fill the void of my loneliness. I think Janet Fitch said it best*. “Don't attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you're lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space.” I realize now that I was unfair, that I asked too much of you without you even knowing. I don’t think I’ll worry too much about C. I’ll just watch as life unfolds its plans for us. I’ll just sit back and enjoy the show. No expectations, no promises, no feelings, no problems.

So that’s all I want to say. I heard they kicked you out two days ago because you talked back to one of your supervisors. Though it seems we wasted our time on you, I refuse to think so. I hope wherever you go, you’ll remember the things we taught you. Take care always, S. Remember that life is too short to have regrets.

Yours,
N.

	Lenka The Show Lenka