Monday, December 8, 2014

on how you should remember me



My father once taught me a secret. He said if you pressed an ear against a shell's hollow side, you could hear wave upon wave crashing upon the shore. And I always felt there was such beauty in that simple fact – the hollow never forgets where it's been. The ocean is forever alive if you listen closely. This is how I remember you.

You can tell me about the science of it all, about how they're just sound waves bouncing off walls, mimicking the sound of the tide. But if you really think about the beauty of the common conch, you'd understand that all beautiful things must die. Maybe it was alive once. Maybe it even moved. One summer, a lonely crab came upon it. She dusted him off and made him brand new. They were inseparable. They were happy. But then she moved on.

A fortune teller once told me that in my past life, I was happy. They called me California because you couldn't see anything but the sunlight when I was in the room. It's such a far cry from the man I am today. Some days, I question if I can ever be truly happy. Maybe the soul can only hold so much laughter and I've used all mine up.

What if I told you I was hollow? That you could love me all you want but all you'll get at most is your own voice echoing. Would you leave?

If you pick me up and press an ear to my heart, you will not hear the ocean singing. At first it will seem like nothing, just random beats of blood pulsing through my veins. But if you close your eyes and you picture who I was in your mind's eye, you will hear California's laughter.

The seashell echoes where it once was. This is how I want you to remember me.

♫: Sheryl Crow | Wildflower (2005)
Photo: The last trip


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Monday, December 1, 2014

on conversations at 2am



"O eto, maganda. Anong mas gugustuhin mo? Yung mahal ka niya or yung mahal mo siya?"

"Siyempre yung mahal ako. Vain ako, bakit ba?"

"Ako, mas bet ko yung ako yung nagmamahal. Okay na yun. Di naman to pamasahe na dapat sinusuklian."

"Naku becks! Mahirap yan. Mahal na ang pasustento ngayon no. Rubber shoes, autoload, pati college scholarship, kasama na dapat! Tapos malalaman mo, di naman pala siya seryoso. Parang siopao love yan. Akala mo special, ayun pala bola-bola lang."

"Ha ha! Tapos ikaw naman tong asa-dong asado."

"Kurek! Eh eto. Ano ang mas masakit: yung maghiwalay kayo na in love na in love pa kayo or yung marerealize niyong unti-unti na palang nawala?"

"Naku, mahirap din yan."

"Wala ka namang ibang alam kundi mahirap yan! Ambag ambag din naman tayo, teh."

"Eh sa mahirap nga talaga. Ikaw kaya mauna."

"K fine. Ako siguro, yung in love pa kayo. Kasi malamang sa malalang may dahilan naman kaya kayo maghihiwalay diba?"

"Eh… minsan kasi yung mga gumaganyan, parang trip lang nila gumawa ng gulo eh. Kulang lang ng conflict sa life ba kaya ayun."

"Huy hindi a! Malay mo di lang talaga tama yung panahon."

"May bagyo?"

"…or yung love niyo naman talaga ang isa't isa pero parang may mali lang talaga."

"Ay trut. Alam ko yan. Sige na nga. Ikaw na tama."

"Suko agad? Agad agad?"

"Yezterday."

"Magaling magaling. Eh ikaw ba? Ano ang mas masakit para sayo?"

"Siguro yung… ma-cesarean sa likod. Ikaw kaya, padaanin ko yung sanggol dun. Tignan natin kung di ka magsisisigaw."

"Ha ha! Baliw! Yung totoo."

"Teka… siguro yung pangalawa. Yung unti-unti kayong nag-fall out of love. Parang kanser kasi yan eh. Dahan-dahan kang itetegi. Masakit yun."

"Nagka-kanser ka na noon?"

"Tanga!"

"Eh ano?"

"Basta. Alam mo na yun…"

---

Ano ang mas masakit: yung maghiwalay kayo na in love na in love pa kayo or yung marerealize niyong unti-unti na palang nawala? Wala namang nagsabi sa 'kin na may mas masakit pa pala dun sa dalawang yun. Pinaka-masakit yung kapit ka ng kapit, mag-isa ka nalang palang lumalaban. Tang ina. Ang sakit magising one day na marerealize mong mag-isa ka nalang palang nagmamahal. Paalam na, mahal ko. Pasensiya na't hanggang dito nalang ako.

♫: Aiza Seguerra | Ako Lang Ang Nagmahal (2013)