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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

changing

In a few days, the whole world will say goodbye to 2009. I don’t know about you but whenever the year ends, I drown in feelings of helplessness- especially if it’s been a good year like this one. 2008 was a pretty boring year for me, full of unfulfilled plans and failed attempts at flight. I knew I had to start 2009 with a different approach. This time last year, I sat down to write my New Year’s Resolutions. They had to be big, yes, but they also had to be manageable.

What is it about New Year’s Day that gives such hope to folks like us? It’s like with a pen and paper, you can wash away all the errors of the past 365 days. There is a massive hope for change for everyone. Problem is, change doesn’t really come easy for me. I’m quite the creature of habit, you see. In restaurants, I favor tried and tested dishes over the exciting and new. My hair has been revolving around two or three styles ever since high school and I still dress the same way I did two years ago.

It usually takes something huge for me to change and with 2008, it was a huge lot of nothing. It’s like my whole life stagnated that year and so I knew I had to shake things up for 2009. Last year, I set out to do a couple of things: expand my horizons, improve in my career, be stronger in faith and fall in love.

I met a ton of bloggers this year. If that’s not expanding my horizons, I don’t know what is. I’m usually very picky about who I let into my life but I must say everyone’s been really nice. I met people who made me feel like I was part of something. I met people who inspired me to take my writing to different heights. I met people who taught me valuable life lessons. Some people challenged me to use my head. Others challenged me to use my heart. This online universe we live in and the bloggers that I’ve met will always hold a special place in my heart.

Career wise, I’m still where I was a year ago. The only difference is I feel like the experiences I’ve had this year have made me stronger and wiser. As a facilitator, I am much more confident in what I do and say. I no longer let small things like office gossip or disagreements get in the way of my work. I’ve learned to develop a special bond with the people I train, some I’ve even come to call my closest friends. They too have carved a special place in my heart.

Of all the lessons and epiphanies I’ve had this year (and if you read this blog regularly, you would know that I am a sucker for lessons and epiphanies), I find my year-ender to be the most important- he who stops changing has stopped learning. All in all, this year has been very good to me. I feel very blessed that for once, everything is in its rightful place. There were many tears this year but there were also many, many laughs. And while change doesn’t really come easy for me, I know that I must go through it. It shows that I am still human. It shows that I am capable of learning.

I almost feel a little sad that the year’s about to end but there’s also a huge part of me that is very excited for 2010. I have many more things to accomplish next year and because of the lessons I picked up along the way, I know that whatever comes my way, I’ll be just fine.

As I am writing this, dawn is breaking and the sun is starting to warm the metropolis and its residents. I almost forgot one of the biggest changes I’ve made this year. I open the door and the room is freezing. I undress and crawl back into bed. Suddenly, your warmth is all I feel. I snuggle into a hole within your being. Thank you for crashing my walls. Thank you for sticking around. I know that the little victories I had this year would mean nothing if you weren’t there for me at the end of each day. You once asked me how much I love you and I told you I couldn’t give you an answer. All I know is more than anything and anyone, you have the biggest place in my heart.


Jennifer Hudson
I Am Changing
Dreamgirls: Music From The Motion Picture


Thursday, December 17, 2009

interlude: between the sheets



there is nothing
but the sound of your voice
the scent of your skin
the warmth of your body
calling me home

i ball up like a cat
and pull up the sheets
wishing i could hold
those seconds in my hand

that's the thing about borrowing time*
you never know when you need to give it back


Original Photo Credit: Champ Inside


Glee Cast
Alone ft. Kristin Chenoweth
Glee: The Music, Volume 1


Monday, December 7, 2009

on borrowed memories and expectations


I woke up and I didn’t know what time it was. My first impulse was to reach for my phone under my pillow but it wasn’t there. That was when I realized I was in a different bed. I got up and looked around. Everything was bathed in light. The windows were open as the wind played hide and seek with the curtains. It was so beautiful. There weren’t any shadows where secrets or doubts could hide.

The bed shook a little and I realized I wasn’t alone. I turned around and the sight of you took my breath away. The sun shone on your face and your bare chest. Although you were asleep, I could’ve sworn you were smiling. I sat beside you and I kissed your cheek. Good morning.

Good things never last. Like an overexposed photograph, the room started to fade away. Everything was engulfed in a sea of white. I tried to hold on to you, to us and to everything we had in that room but I couldn’t. Suddenly, I was awake in my own bed in my own room. I became aware- a little too aware of my consciousness. In comparison, I felt like I had just lost everything. It pained me to know that you were not beside me.

The dream was a moment borrowed from a future memory- one that holds no certainty, I know. I closed my eyes again hoping that the dream would come back but it didn’t. And though I tried to keep them at bay, just like that an expectation is born.


Plain White T's
Hey There Delilah
All That We Needed