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I don't look a thing like Jesus but I talk like a gentleman.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

idleness


I woke up this morning (afternoon) with such a vivid dream, I almost felt dizzy as I got up. In my dream, there was Adrasteia the nymph, the inescapable. I did not love her, that much I could say. I watched her eat a grape, fawning over the infant Zeus and I remember wondering how I could be so jealous of something so innocent, so small yet so big. There was a man next to me who also loved her and we watched her slowly but firmly enter the city of sin. My first thought was the lights made my eyes hurt and there was the faint smell of sweat and blood and hearts on sleeves and it made me nauseous. As the music crescendoed, she moved with languid desperation, as though her heart had always known the tune, almost like the tune was one with her heartbeat.

She danced with a faceless, heartless stranger as he and I both fought back feelings that would only lead to confusion and conflict. Together, he and I watched Adrasteia give up what we both yearned for. She'll tire of him soon enough, I whispered in his ear and then friends will become rivals yet again. I watched the confusion in this man's eyes- our poor nymph reduced to a mere glitch, a mound of flesh that knows not how to love but instead is versed in the ways of seeking pleasure where she can.

Tomorrow, I said, she'll be back to who she was, Zeus' tutelage will no longer be the minute error she is right now. Adrasteia - she who none escapes. How could we escape her when our hearts are tied to the frills on her skirt? How could we flee when our hearts forbid us to be away from her? How could we despise her when our souls called out to dance to her heartbeat, as though longing to be possessed by her love.

She glances at her watch and tells us it's time to go so we did. She, me, him, and the faceless stranger all leave with broken hearts. What happens here, stays here I whispered and so we left everything behind - every feeling, every bruise, every desire.

I realized the message soon enough. It's time to stop living life from dream to dream and start banking on things that matter. When I got home, I turned the telly on and this really empowered evangelist was talking about faith and I yearned for her passion more than anything in my life right now- my work, my friends, my life. What I'd give to feel what she's feeling, if only to hold on to something so strong and stable. She talked about an arrow and how you're supposed to release it, never mind if the recipient's heart is open or not. I would feed of those arrows, whether their tips were poisonous or not, if only to fill the void in my own heart.

It's getting late and I probably need more rest, or food, or another epiphany. Days like this, I wonder if I'll be like this eternally or I'm just being tested.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

tell me all your thoughts on God



ugh, how Dishwalla of me. just thought it'd be an apt title for the post that's been stored in my drafts for several days now. i remember listening to this song in the past, never realizing i'd be moved to write about God one day.

I believe it was about two weeks ago when I first realized I had the option to walk home from work. It's usually a P50 cab ride home for me but that day, I was feeling a little clouded and figured I could use the quiet and the exercise. In a similar incident (that involved daylight, of course), I was walking and I saw an old church and for some strange reason, I felt compelled to go inside. I was sitting in one of the pews next to an old lady and I felt envious of her devotion. Here was a woman who got up early today to show her love for a man who she's never even really seen. I was sitting beside her, absorbing her peace, feeling dirty, hoping I wasn't polluting her air.

I don't know what happened to me. I'm not Catholic or anything but I just felt a certain air of peace. I wasn't sure if anyone saw me that day but it didn't matter anymore. I waited for her to finish and with my eyes, I saw here through the door. She seemed at peace. Peace, i miss peace.

And now, realizing I finally let go of my ministry, I wonder if there was a better way to go around it. Perhaps I should've asked God first. I never really prayed about leaving. I just knew I had to.

They say he never changes. What happens when I do? Times like this, I wish I could shake myself, if only to wake up. But i'm not really sleeping. I'm just closing my eyes. Because I don't wanna see anything anymore. I'd rather just pretend to be sleeping. Maybe the voices would stop bothering me.

It doesn't have to be like this, I told myself. I was with a friend who told me I like to focus on the problem so much and not come up with a proper solution. I'm in the eye of the problem, I said and it's kind of hard to think of the next step. He asked me about my God and how I feel about him. I said I don't know anymore because to tell you the truth, I really don't. He said it feels good to know you can depend on something when you feel weak or unable to continue. Was that all God was to me? Plan B?

When I was in Middle School, our bible teacher asked us about our spiritual birthday and I said I've been a Christian since birth. She said no one's born a Christian. It's a decision you make. It was then that I realized I had no idea what being a Christian meant.

I'm not saying my parents forced me to become a Christian or anything. Of course, I made the decision years ago but I was very young at that time and I never really thought about the decision I was making. It's part of your culture, if you grew up in a Christian family you'd understand the guilt and the bliss associated with it. Lately, I just feel like I wouldn't have been a Christian if it weren't for my family. And i seriously envy the newbie Christians with all their wide-eyed optimism. How could they know and love someone who they just met? it feels like I've known him all my life but still I know nothing about him. It's hard because I love him but I can't seem to understand him.

Two nights ago, I did something I've never done before. I prayed out loud, hoping to voice out solemn concerns about where I am right now and where I'm going. I was talking for more than 30 minutes before I realized he was right there, ready to listen.

So what are my thoughts on God? At this point, I'm still waiting for him. Perhaps to pick me up, telling me he's been around the block two or three times but I wasn't there. And when I finally get into his car, all will be forgiven and I would finally be ready to give him everything he deserves. I'm sure he understands I'm not ready. I'm done trying quick fixes and attempts to fly without the necessary equipment I need. This time, I'm going to play using my heart and not just my head.

On a cheesy note, a good friend used to always say "God can heal a broken heart. He just needs all the pieces." If so, perhaps it's time I gave it a real shot.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

ze end...

don't really remember the exact date that I became a sunday school teacher. if memory serves correctly, i believe I began as an assistant sometime in September 2004. I never really realized I've been a sunday school teacher longer than i have been a blogger. It's kinda sad now that it's all over since I feel like i'm letting go of something that really influenced my thoughts, my feelings, et cetera. at the same time, i understand this is for the best. i wouldn't trust my own nephew to be placed under my care. i had absolutely nothing to offer them. i don't really wanna be the lesser evil. i'm sure God has other plans for that class.

goal recap
  1. Resign from Sunday School - talked to Tita Cecile this morning and i think she understood my reasons. She asked me to teach the 10:30 class but I didn't go. I suddenly realized I couldn't anymore and I didn't want to let her down.
  2. Start thinking of poss career expansion - sent resumes to some interesting places. informed TM of plans and reasons why I was thinking of leaving. Still undecided if career expansion entails leaving the company. internally, plans to keep stats in good condition have been pretty successful.
  3. Work on meeting new people to expand network - slated to meet some poss interesting people in the next couple of weeks. still working on this.
  4. Start praying / lean on things that matter - sigh, unfortunately kinda hard to do. i did get to pray about a few weeks ago but it was really short and kinda difficult.
  5. Stop thinking about what'll get me through the day and - v. good in this dept. have started to budget funds and even exercise (yeah, walking to the pantry counts as exercise).
  6. Start thinking about what'll bring me to my future. - good here too. started to understand that all is temporary.
pretty good couple of days if i may say so myself. got over a lot of things that were bothering me and now am focused towards goals. it's funny when you force things to revolve around you that you end up revolving around them. when you lose yourself to something really powerful, all you can do to make it in one piece is to hold on.

so today's a pretty good day. i read somewhere that things are impossible not by their nature but by your approach. mind over matter. haha

peace out.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

regrets


I was cleaning my room listening to Garbage when I remembered this lengthy conversation I had with a friend about regrets. We were really getting into it, deciding which cliche works better. Of course, granting that the age-old question regarding the universal do-over should present itself, does anyone have a clear answer? What would you change if you could go back?

I'm pretty sure there would have been a lot of things I'd change if I could. If I could rewind to the times when I felt so angry at the world and then backtrack to the moment where all that could've been avoided, I'd be the luckiest man in the world. Think of all the bad relationships and all the bull your friends feed you about how mistakes are opportunities to learn. Think of all the job interviews and work mishaps and all that jazz that could've, in one way or another, influenced your life massively.

Said friend talked about latest crisis in life and asked if he was right to regret it. Perhaps he did have his reasons but since I wasn't privvy to the whole deal, I didn't really know left from right. Maybe I would've regretted it, too if I only had some control over my life.

And it's hard to not think about regrets when it's right there, like a wart on your finger that will not go away. You can pretend to ignore it but the next time you look down, it's right there. How do you forget something that's in the rain, in the darkness when you close your eyes, in your mind momentarily but in your head eternally.

And despite all I try to blink away, part of me knows that without regrets, I'd probably be somewhere else now. Without my anger, I wouldn't have gotten over some shit in the past. Without apathy, how can there be sympathy?

Winding it down, I realize now that regrets are a necessary part of two people's journey when it's about to end. For if you do not think about things that shouldn't have happened, how will you forget all the good parts? If you fixate on the happy moments, getting over is next to impossible.

We only have control over such a limited number of things. Often times, I find my emotions dictate where I will go. Since I cannot control forgetting past events, regrets are my way to do that. And though I may overlook so many things in the process, at least I know that in the end, I have accomplished my goal.

Not really making sense anymore. Perhaps it's time to sleep. *yawn*