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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

of payslips and slipups

i just got my payslip this morning and i guess it finally dawned on me that i am now a tax paying, SSS contributing member of society. how weird it is to find myself complaining about how the government is taking my money whereas when I was but a student I thought of it as a necessity for a proper nation. now i'm just smarting from the money i have no choice but to give.

which reminds me of my upcoming birthday. i once wrote in my journal that this was the last summer of my youth and I guess i never bothered to think about all that those words mean. i am getting older. there's less room for mistakes now that I'm expected to be more, to do more..

maybe it's just me. next week, i've got a better shift at work so I can finally clock in some decent hours of sleep.

*yawn*

Sunday, July 29, 2007

mamooomarikapoo

I'm officially moved in. i remember sitting on the floor wiping my gazillions of pirated discs while listening to Switchfoot's you and the sound of a gay neighbor bickering and thinking, gawd this is life now. no more yearning for the sound of buses opening at three in the morning when the darkness won't lend itself to sleep. no more coffee breaks at the pool while the morning mist gives me a quick shower. no more shying away from telling people where i live so they won't think ill of me. now there's a croaky teenager next door strumming his guitar, singing narda off key as i hear the next door neighbor maid gossip about how the neighbors like to leave the gate unlocked at night. i sit up in bed wondering how i ever found such beauty in chaos, such solace in disillusion.

and i look at the mirror, stare at my hollow eyes wondering how it's been so long since I've gotten some decent sleep, or clocked some decent hours at church, or even spent time in prayer. i'm stuck thinking about how many minutes i spend each call or how many lives I've got to waste. as i eat this overly-sweet fudge bar, i touch my tumtum thinking "gawd, i need to lose weight"

checking my mail, i see a reminder of my priorities. old friends who want to reconnect, groups that I've neglected, friendly reminders of birthdays, and the occasional useless forward.

one day I'll look back and remember this chaos. will i still find beauty then?

Friday, July 20, 2007

vanity and other musings

N.Y.L.: not yet licensed, never yielding loser, never yesterday's life, new year's less-solutions, needing your losses, new young liar, Nefartiti's youngest liaison, nowhere yet leaving, nothing yet living

and so on...

I just realized with a name this small, I could've stood for a lot of (rather corny) things. on days like this when i'm sleepy but cannot sleep, I find myself to be full of useless cliches.

you can take the cheese from the boy but you can never take the country out of the girl, or something like that.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

running running as fast as we can!

It's hard to believe that two years ago in this post, i was taking pictures of my brand new window's view. now, two years older (and wiser!), I sadly look out my room's window and find *sigh* a big 'ol wall.

yes, after two years of living above the city, we have finally moved. the new place is a three bedroom apartment smack in the middle of somewhere. the people here are nice although i sometimes feel like i'm stuck in the middle of a big private joke.

my first friend is a persian named Paris. a persian kitty that is. as i lay crumpled, keyless, in front of the locked front door, Paris kept me company. Although to be honest, I believe she stayed for the chin rubbies..

everything's fine now. at first, i didn't want to move but after seeing the new place and how in the end, we're all better off here, i started to enjoy it. there's a jollibee, mcdonald's, a mercury drug, and a cheapo grocery nearby. and to top it all off, i found a P20/hour internet place. I know it's so petty but it's these little things you get accustomed to.

so anyways, i feel a little sick today. it's really funny how a sore throat can spell the end of the world when you're an analyst. despite my best efforts, i showed up for my monday shift almost voice-less and swollen. my TM, in all her infinite niceness, politely sent me home. I felt so bad. I didn't even realize i loved working so much until I physically could not do it. after a particularly long call with a chatty Indian woman, I excused myself and went home.

Which really doesnt surprise me by the way. I had a feeling i'd lose my voice. after two weeks of being mentally and verbally constipated, i finally let go and the effects was bittersweet. two hours later, i croaked my last audible sentence (or it could've been a line from a song)

so now, i'm slowly getting my voice back. an analyst with no voice is like a soldier without a rifle or a student without a pencil- useless and wasteful. i had to take a deduction for being sent home so I strived to be as healthy as i can. In a span of two days, I've OD'd on the following: salabat, salt and water solution, warm to borderline hot water, pei pa koa lozenges, valda pastilles, strepsils and mentos (oh, mentos. must you be so cruel?). it's funny how i've managed to become orally fixated because of a sore throat.

so anyway, i don't believe i'm making much sense anymore. i really hope i get my voice back. life's too complicated as it is.

Monday, July 16, 2007

vampires log on at night

when i was younger, i used to think i'd grow up to take over the world. now, i do it one fraudulent account at a time. all the bad feelings i had from last post simply melted away last friday.

i remember a couple of months ago, a good friend of mine was convincing me to teach. i had informed her of my chosen career as a glorified answering machine and she was a litte upset. i asked her what was so bad about it. she said it starts this way and sooner or later, they've pacified my ego enough to make me stay.

last friday, we graduated from training and the trainer gave out awards. i wasn't expecting an award but i got to take home two. i had sorta made a game on keeping my talk time low and i ended up bagging the lowest AHT award which was really nice. it felt nice that i'm in a place where i can really excel.

i also got an award for quality which is really rare. at times, u either have one or the other. u can either have speed or quality. i loved that i'm the antithesis of what they thought i'd become. all those people who told me i'd never amount to anything, i've got two certs to prove you otherwise!!!

and maybe they are just pacifying my ego but this industry has got me feeling really nice. i finally understand why so many people stay in this industry. at the end of the day, it's not the pay that gives me peace of mind. it's the fact that i was, despite being miles away and technically a minor, able to save the company and the customer some cash. it gives me a feeling of warmth when i close an account and open a new one. it's hard to explain. it's one of those things that u've got to see to believe. like being humbled at the sight of road kill. we are so small. the world is so big. it's nice to know that at the end of the day, i can still make a difference in someone's life.

someone once said i was a credit to the company. that fact alone makes me happy, certificates or not.

so the vampire logs off again. stay tuned.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

native tongue

nung bata pa ako, andami kong pangarap. gusto ko sana maging guro, maging doktor, maging engineer. may mga araw, katulad ng araw nato na napapaisip ako kung ano na kaya nangyari dun sa batang yun. baka sa gitna ng paglimangpung tawag ko, nalunod na sya. nalunod sa mga kailangan gawin para sa mga customer.

kung may pagkakataon, nais ko syang kausapin. siguro, maiintindihan naman nya kung bakit hindi ako naging guro, doktor, o engineer. siguro naman maiintindihan niya na mas importante sakin makaluwag. dun ko na binubunot ang kaligayahan ko. malamang nga maiintindihan nya kasi ako siya at siya ako.

balang araw, alam kong aalis din ako dito. balang araw, mararanasan ko muli mainitan ng araw habang nanananghalian. ngunit hanggang dumating ang araw na yun, dapat ko munang kalimutan na minsa'y may batang nangarap.

inaantok na ako. kaya siguro nasesenti. sawang sawa na ako mag-ingles. pwede bang magtagalog nalang tayo lahat?

kahapon, naintindihan ko na rin ang suliranin ng lahat ng mga magulang sa buong mundo. ganun pala yun no. nagtampo ako sa atm ko. wala kasing laman. pero nung dumating ang sweldo ko, ayus na lahat. parang tinarantado ka ng anak mo pero isang sandal lang sa balikat mo, napapawi lahat ng galit at tampo. malamang siguro, handa na ako maging mabuting ama sa aking atm.

log out na. tulog na.
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