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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

daily frustrations

As I'm writing this, the computer clock tells me it's 11:27 but my body clock says it's almost midnight. I slept for about two hours only to wake up at around 9am this morning. Lately, i've been having a hard time staying in bed. Getting to sleep is fine but if completely left alone, I's only get two to three hours of sleep a day.

Payday's next wednesday and frankly, i can't wait. amidst the rush of buying work clothes and eating real food during lunch breaks, I didn't realize I turned into such a spending hog. All that's going to change. It has to. Mind over matter.... mind over matter...

I was watching this Hilary Duff flick on HBO and it was that one with Heather Locklear and Ms. Duff was a blogger. I just realized how poorly some lines were written. I don't think I've ever heard (or read) anyone start their blog with "Hey there bloggers!". Usually, I talk to the readers but I've never addressed them collectively. It was kind of freaky.

In a few hours, i'm looking forward to gettign some coffee. It's one of those days and I think I have enough time for some caffeine. I figured at this rate, I'll never get to sleep so I might as well just do everything in my power to stay awake.

Daily frustration, well more like weekly... I was in the office and I was Googling people (I heard it was a really big offense and I could lose my bonus so let's hope no one else reads this!) and I found some poems that a colleague wrote. So i was looking for some of my own poetry so I googled "pugnosedfreakazoid poetry". I got a couple of hits, most of which were not linked to my poems. So to see what was up, I googled "pugnosedfreakazoid" and the events that followed were both a rush and a disappointment.

I was nominated for a Philippine Blog Award. *aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*

Here's the catch: the contest ended last February and I totally lost.

Frustration... Elation... Precipitation... All this and I had to keep a straight face in front of the trainers at the office. At first, I was all "Wow! This is a great honor!" but after a while I got to thinking and I saw that many of the nominated blogs were able to promote their site. I checked out the criteria and there's a whole percentage on traffic and stuff. Looking at my blog in February, it wasn't much. Had I knoiwn, I might have done a lot more than just bitch about my life.

A blog is about self-expression and I guess if I angled myself a certain way, I wouldn't be true to what a blog should be.

Anyway, it's really got me confused since I checked out the nominating procedures and they seem a bit complicated. I honestly think I'd remember filling out entry forms and stuff. Which means someone who frequents this blog must've nominated me. That alone got me really freaked out.

In my moment of confusion, I started looking at my competitors. A lot of them have domains and stuff which although is nice and all seemed kinda against the whole "grassroots" theme. Well, I guess their blogs have really taken off, giving them branches and leaves and a huge trunk. Maybe I'm just bitter but a lot of those blogs were reaaaaaly cool. As in! (Here's the link if you wanna check them out) It was then I realized that it really was an honor to be nominated. And the fact that I had nothing to do with the nomination makes it even sweeter. My blog has had 223 posts (this is 224) over about 4 years and while I've been posting quite heavily, if you take a look at the criteria, I'm so not there yet. I don't deserve to be in their level. Basically, my consistency is pretty much shot. Anyway, I'm taking the advice of my friends and just continue to post at my own pace and if they notice me again, maybe.. just maybe... i'll start a campaign.

So that's my frustration today. That and my inability to sleep. I think I'm starting to make peace with the award thing. I should just focus on what I started this blog for right? Oh well...

Monday, June 18, 2007

update: employment

There are 24 hours in a day, 8 of which go to work, another 8 should ideally go to sleep which leaves me wondering where the other 8 go.

i was over at a friend's party and he was sprinkling sugar on my head. I asked him why he had taken to this peculiar action, seeing as this was definitely not his first attempt. He said he was making me sweeter.

I didn't realize that I had somehow lost my edge, my innate ability to find the upside of things. and so I said "ang hilig mong paglaruan yung asukal" but what I really wanted to say was "ang hilig mo akong paglaruan".

today, it's been two months and ten days since my last blog post. looking at my archives, it's funny how i seemed to have had a penchant towards drama. i've considered starting a new blog aimed at decreasing said drama percentage in my 222 blog posts but I now realize that my work hours prevent me from doing so.

some time between my last post and today, i decided that my life will have as little drama as possible.

my last post was about unemployment and the pressure i felt to look for a job. today, i begin what would be my fifth week at Chase and already, i feel different. i feel older and more responsible and suddenly, everything that felt necessary becomes unnecessary. paychecks give way to looking for work clothes rather than trips to the local movie pirates. it's funny but more or less, i am different.

at times, i wake up in the middle of the afternoon and wonder how i found myself in this position. as a student, i expressed my extreme belief that education students should teach, not answer telephones. it's been an emotional roller coaster for me. I've never had to change beliefs at such a rapid pace but now that I work for a contact center, i realize that there's more to it than others make you believe. we all have our stereotype for agents. they smoke like chimneys and have coffee IVs and speak with a weird accent. my own father sat me down and told me about how a co-worker was griping about how his son's been smoking too much and drinking too much coffee and i didn't want to tell him that such generalizations are stereotypes. although the culture has been enticing, i can honestly say i have not adapted to the culture as much as others would have. i still say "judate" and i don't say "becuzzzz".

I was with a friend and he was saying how he used to be really gothic sans makeup and piercings. I said i didn't know that goth had a subculture and he said subcultures indeed have subcultures. looking at my present situation, i am part of a subculture, of people who day-mongers never see. but inside that subculture are more subcultures. it's amazing how people who speak English well have become the minority in this profession. It's a point easily proven by anyone who's been to Makati at three in the morning.

I have made a lot of new friends and I'm glad that these are people who have chosen to come into my life and stay. In an exercise during voice and accent training, we were asked to write a couple of goals. being a trained teacher, i had cognitive, affective and psychomotor goals. my affective goal was to build real friendships with people and i can honestly say that I have accomplished that. Cheesiness aside, I pride myself in having found two really amazing people who let me be me. I now see that I am in a place where I no longer have to be the person I once was. For once, i can just be me.

Work does have some challenges though. Recently, I've gotten into a little argument with one of the trainers and it was nice to see that I have definitely not lost my edge. i'm still me. it's all i know and it's all i'll ever be.

Ex-goth friend asked me once what I would change if i could change anything. He then followed this with something that stuck in my head. he said that there is a possibility of changing yourself so drastically but without compromising your personality. as i've proven in previous posts, i am a person who is wholly capable of creating and cultivating drama. and though i have decided to give all that up, i can honestly say that i am still me.

my goodness, i've just re-read this whole post and realized that none of it makes sense. maybe it's the lack of sleep. I'm due at work in eight hours and if i should ever get the chance to catch some zzzzz's, i should just leave now before i babble some more.

and so i leave with this: some people may think i've sold out, that i've left my chosen profession, taking the easy way out but when you think about it, unless you're a celebrity or someone really famous, when it gets down to it you work to get paid. it's really not rocket science. in fact i spend a lot of hours thinking how a robot could easily force me to unemployment. it's not complicated but it's a living. and i can honestly say that despite the weird hours and the never getting to see my family anymore, this job leaves me financially afloat, something that i've never experienced before. and should the day come when an expertly coded machine takes my job, i'll always have this picture to remind me of the good old days. :D