Friday, January 5, 2007

crisis no.1

okay, so it's been five days since new year and already, crisis no.1 has reached me. don't ask me how or why, it just did. lately, i've been re-evaluating my current situation with two really smart and funny friends which got me to thinking why i always find myself in the same f-ing runt everytime.

and i hate the fact that i'm bitching again when i should be busy with my deadlines. it's just that i can't really focus when all this chaos is around me. maybe it's just me. maybe i'm over-complicating things again.

i just never realized how unneccesary i was to them. i guess for starters, i never was socially normal. i doubt if they would ever understand what goes on in my head.

but despite the fact that i'm not with them anymore, i hardly miss them. it's like i've never been physically more alone but inside, i'm not the least bit lonely. it's like one single event, a super miniscule and stupid event (that just happened and was completely beyond my control!!!) was all it took to sorta set me free. and though i know that being phased out and losing my friends is a pretty big thing (that's why i'm in a crisis), i have a slight hunch that from here on, things can only go up.

i read in this coffee table book (words are not things, pictured here) that "if you don't like a part of your life, stop living it." at first glance, it may seem that the writer promotes suicide but in fact, it's a mantra for change. i told a good friend last night that i didn't like the person i was becoming and this (though they weren't really responsible for it) was brought about by the people i hung out with. they didn't ask me to change, no i can't blame them for that but the bottom line is i did. i said in a previous post that to fully understand a situation, you have to step outside it. now that i'm not being included in the group gimiks or even lunch time (ugh, how painfully high school this all is), i finally realize that i'm not the same person who entered the relationship.

i hope they won't hate me. people who hate me cannot be any good for me. god, do i get a nickname, too?. i hope not.

so back to the zen-ish mantra. i now realize that since i don't really like the man i've become now, i have to revert to a time when i did like who i was. when was that? high school? college? i don't really remember. "stop living it" doesn't refer to your own life, it refers to that part of your life that you don't like anymore. i need to find myself... again. god, how many times do i have to find myself for me to actually find it?

note to self: come up with a plan.

so crisis no.1 has arrived. God knows when it'll be over, though. i'm just glad that this particular crisis, the first this year, actually brought about an epiphany. it's time to start growing!

so anyways, i got to go. ate debbie just called and we're going to see an art show. i'm not sure where all this craziness and crisis is going but i know that whatever i'm doing now is a step towards the right direction.

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