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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

never

i said too many times before that i would never let myself be treated like a doormat. i freed myself from the bondage of emotional blackmail, hopefully chalking one up for maturity. after distancing myself from these things, i was able to find refuge in people that i trust. these people would never even think of hurting me, at least that's what i thought.

it's hard when you pick yourself up from something messy and finally land on some clean solid ground only to find yourself in the same situation. i don't think it's possible that all people are emotionally manipulative. i don't want to believe that people are willing to gamble on my love and friendship to get something across. but when you stop listening to reason, you won't listen to anything and that's where i found myself last night.

i know it's wrong to bite off the arm that feeds you and these people have indeed fed me when i was hungry (not just symbolically speaking, at times). but a tiny voice in my head which gains resonance every second tells me that i once swore i'd never be treated that way again. it's just so hard to find myself in the situation i once tried to run from. it's like running to a safe country because of a war in your homeland only to find that that country has its own wars.

maybe there's something wrong with me that i can't see. i once heard that in an aimee mann song. and i can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with me but it somehow slipped my vision. i know i can be a tad bitchy at times but i never imagined people would find me so dislikeful that they would threaten to lock me out of their classroom when i offered to sit in or another classmate who said he just couldn't teach with me around. i don't understand why people continually step on my feelings. i wanted to sit in because i wanted to show my love and support but for people to just step on all that that stands for is just so damn hard for me.

am i prepared to spend the remainder of my time in school alone? should i just swallow my pride and succumb to the emotional manipulations? am i just thinking about it too much. until somebody offers me an explanation, i'm afraid i'll have to slowly fade into the background once again.
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