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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

pugnosedpoetry

okay, as promised (not that anyone is keeping track), here are three poems from my diary collection. they're all unedited so i hope you can bear with me. toink, hahaha... comments are very much welcome.

this first one is about the feeling that you have when poems and stories die in your brain because you never get to write them (that just made me sound sick). i wrote it while i was in tarlac with the aetas.


birth
all these feelings
all these thoughts
my mind
is a womb
of septuplets
who wish not to depart
afraid to let it go
maybe they need to grow
afraid to let it stay
for they may slip and
be forgotten
tired of the weight
that alcohol, caffeine, and nicotine
cannot will away
i am tired
put these thoughts to rest
ambiguous
i am ridiculously unaware
that these thoughts have turned into
monsters

this next one is kinda creepy. it's kinda stalker-y.


disjoint
waking up
i find myself distraught
trying
hopelessly to piece together
parts that don't really fit
as if i were
trying to connect
images of a disjoint dream
trying to form a logical
picture

who knows if i may find myself to be
infatuated, at the very
least
with someone like you?
as though the lonely palms of the coconut
tree
may one day bend to touch the humble ground

is it fear that
kills the feeling?
this quickening notion your presence brings
as though
knowing that for the leaves to touch the ground
it must first expire and
fall

frustratingly amused by it all
this lonely poet sits gazing at
the stars
you who once held witness to my sorrow
watch as i weave a
fabric to easy my pain

the woolen quilt wrapped around me
no longer
will i suffer from the bitter cold

who knows if you may find yourself to
be
in love with me one day?
when dreams of better men slowly begin to
dissipate
and finally, the images of that disjoint dream
start to
materialize in my mind's eye

it forms an image that which my boyish
naïveté
failed to see and grasp
a limber coconut tree finding itself so
deperate
the tops of its anarchaic palms start to touch the ground

a
quiet tremor starts at the edge of my lips
'till you notice that finally
i am awake

this is the last one. i haven't gotten a chance to write them in my new notebook. i'm not too happy with this one. it's got a lot of loose ends and it feels like a cliche metaphor.


drip
a thirsty traveller
rugged by many miles
stands waiting for the rain

his dry lips and waiting throat
yearning for just a drop of water
to quench the heat that his journey
has brought him

finally, the miraculous raindrops
start to fall over
his head
he cups his hands
sadly hoping to catch the precious liquid

he takes a few sips
and wonders how he ever lived
without ever
knowing the sweet taste of deluge

the creases in his hands cause the
water to slip
each drip flows into another one
until he realizes that
there is just no way
to hold the raindrops in his cupped hands

and
so he drinks what he can
not really knowing how long the rain will last
each time he thinks his hands are full
the water slips away helplessly

the rain stops and the final waterdrops
make their way though the
lines
in his cupped hands

tired and still desperately thirsty
the lonely traveller sets out again


that's it. im kinda late for class. hehehe...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

keel over and die

i can't believe i'm even writing this. pardon me, i'm not usually this sentimental. it's just that i'm having another 'day'. i've tried so hard to explain this and there's only been one person who got it and he's not in my life anymore. we were talking about it, bonding over joni mitchell and home-brewed coffee. i told him how i have these 'days' that i can't explain. it's like i feel like the world is passing by me and i can't hold on to anything- everything's moving too fast and i just feel like my life has passed me by.

i told him there's this incubus song called 'warning' and how i kinda feel like that song sometimes, as if it were even remotely possible to feel like a piece of music and he nodded with that ever so gentle nod that made me feel like he got it. he sang me this joni song that was playing. it was called the circle game. i didn't really understand the lyrics at that time. i was so focused on my personal crisis but somehow, hearing his voice and listening to the explanation of the lyrics made me feel better.

it's a mundane day. the first i've had in a long time. this is the first day that i don't have anything to do. no deadlines, no final drafts, no layouts. just me. and now i'm scared shitless. scared that now that everything's through, i have to face everything that i've been putting off these past few days. petty quarrels with friends, pending financial crisis, lovelife (or noticeably lack thereof), and crap like that. it's like i've been putting off thinking about them for so long, now they've come back with a vengeance.

i tried to explain it to this friend of mine who asked me how i was. i said the mundane is my enemy and i'm feeling homicidal. not that i wanted to kill anyone in particular. i just felt like i've got all this bottled up rage in me and the fact that i've done nothing today to release said rage is kinda irking me. i slept for the most part of today and ate for the other. sadly, food did not give me the comfort i yearned for.

i will talk to her. soon enough. and when i do, i'll let her know exactly why i'm in so much pain right now. i feel like i've lost a really good friend.

and now as i sit in front of this computer, tapping away, hopefully reconciling my head and my heart, i wonder if there will be more mundane days ahead. god, i need to be busy. i feel like shit.

someday, i will find somebody who will tell me about her mundane days and i will smile because finally, i found someone who knows what that is.

postscript: i've been talking alot about a certain 'somebody' for quite a number of posts now. seeing as i don't know her yet, it has become really cheesy. hindsight is 20/20. ugh, why am i so fucking cheesy when i'm depressed?

Monday, April 10, 2006

we are all idiots - lahat tayo ay tanga

i feel like such an idiot. you know how they say "fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me." how many times will i submit myself to this embarassing feeling from people i used to hold in such high regard? time and time again, i say that i won't let myself be sucked into their presence. but the feelings of apathy start to peel away as i find myself sending yet another message to them. aaaargh... i hate me. i hate them. i hate me for hating them. why do i have so much hate in me?!

i'm glad that i feel this way. at least it shows that slowly, im starting to respect myself. the line between love and hate is very thin. if anything, this experience has shown me that.

on a lighter note, this experience has given me the power to produce several poems on my diary. when i'm not such a lazy fuckwit, i might actually post it here. it's english and ten million times better than 'tinta'.

i'm in some internet cafe near school. i don't know what the hell i'm doing here. i don't even play DOTA. hahaha. must be the company. :D

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

gender segregation

wow, i feel kinda clueless. haha, it's been a while since i've sat down to write a blog post with that objective in mind.

i was on my way to school this morning and i was thinking about this whole gender segregation on the mrt. for those who don't take the train, the folks at the mrt decided it's high time to separate the ladies from the sex-hungry men. it's kinda annoying. i like to ride in the first car of the train since it's usually the least loaded. i'm not sure what day it started but about last week, i found myself in the third car stuck with all these guys while the women get to ride the first car and they're all comfy and stuff. it was kinda annoying.

so i asked my sister about it and she said well, there are a lot of women who get manyak-ed in the mrt. and i was like, i have never heard of a single story. the people who take the mrt aren't as gross as those who take the bus. (ugh, gross bus story. the mrt closed for the night and so i had to take the bus. this guy sits next to me and invites me, casually, to go with him to valenzuela. ewww). anyways, back to my story, i guess i kinda saw her (my sister's) point and that it is a tough world out there when you're a woman.

but the whole gender segregation, although kinda sexist, works in favor for me now. whereas before, i would gladly offer my seat to any women who may be standing up, right now i could care less for them. if they should find their way to the male cars, they should stand up. hahahaha... i dunno. chivalry is dead. i just feel like you (girls) have your own car so don't expect any favors when you're in ours. hehe, i dunno. some women ive seen in the mrt are kinda... ugh... (they're either really slow or just plain dumb). they prefer the male cars. and it's not like they've got male friends with them. some of them are all alone, waiting for the train in the male part of the waiting area (yes, there is a male part), when they could easily prance on over to the other side where they will surely get to sit.

anyways, that's about all i've got to say. gosh, my english is kinda iffy today. i need more blog practice.

Monday, April 3, 2006

old dog, new tricks

i know ive been promising you a new layout since like forever and ive had so many attempts at a new layout all end in vain. it's just the whole process of choosing colors and hoping/praying they'll all go together, ah, it's too much. but anyways, i was sorta experimenting with photoshop and hopefully, you like what i came up with. i decided to keep the old code and just change the image so that there's coherence and other bs like that. anyways, i know the worn out look is so old (literally) and nobody does it anymore but i still think it's cool. :D

this is the picture that inspired the whole thing. i was just playing when i realized it would be a year (april 2005) since i last updated the template. kinda embarassing since i'm surrounded by computers all day. i should've updated sooner. i'm sorry.


that's my nephew gabe. we were praying for him (dedication) :D

postscript: as i was updating my kinky linkies, i got sad. some of my closest blogfriends have vanished. chris, tragic, oh where have u gone?! some ardent posters are not updating too, so so sad...

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