Okay, let me warn you: this isn't a post for everybody. Some people aren't exactly pleased when i talk about the four-letter word so if you hate all this cheesy self-depricating bullshit i'm about to write, i think it's best to turn around now.
I am a victim. Victim of evol. I know it sounds so cheesy and i'll probably barf the next time i read this, when i'm saner and more guarded but when you've been trying to contain all the emotions of having the life sucked out of your veins into a single moment of trying to act normal, it gets tiring and i think it's safe to say that i am very, very tired.
A victim of evol knows where evol is. That's what hurts even more. I knew where evol is. I could smell it from a mile away. And somewhere in this jaded heart of mine, i hoped that this evol could be mine. I've been trying my best to control my mouth, for it is what betrays me most but when i'm down and out and i've no one to talk to, i find that it becomes my best friend.
I revel in pity and sympathy for i am hungry, eternally, for attention. When i see them together and i know that he makes her happy, i yearn for someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything will be alright. but i know that as a victim of evol, things don't always end up that way. We get bruised and beaten even before we are born into this world. it is our destiny to forever be hurt by evol. Such is the fate of a victim of evol.
I stare at the face of a baby and i know that he is a victim of evol. Not like me, though but a victim still. evol that was lost and found in someone else. A victim of evol's dire selfishness and how people can kill to get evol. It sucks, knowing that the actions of his father shall forever hang over him like an ugly adulterous shadow but a victim of evol never chooses his path. it is simply laid out before him.
and my faith teaches me that God has someone planned for me and I want to believe it, so badly in fact that i yearn for the realization with every fibre of my being but when i am weak, i find that hope is slow in coming.
and if he makes her happy, who am i to stand in the way. who am i? i'm just another boy who fell in evol with the wide-eyed girl. She fell in evol with the man from the future. A time where there is no more complications and gender ambiguity. he swept her off her feet and away from me. what hurts the most is that i miss them both SO much but at the same time this stupid heart of mine quivers when i see them together. it's a lonely life, being a victim of evol but it has become mine. reveling in sympathy, getting attention where i can get it.
the man from the future. who can hate him? i stare at him, puffing his cigarette, talking to me about his hopes and fears and i know that we will always be friends. despite the fact that my whole life feels like crap, i know that the three of us will always be bound by an invisible rope. this rope is all i have now and as they go through a road that i am not fated to travel, i hold on to the rope like dear life.
i know that i can't will her to evol me for in the past, i've tried my best to evol people. evol is in the heart, not the mind like scientists would have you believe and willing is done in the brain. I tried so hard to evol people, holding their hand as they do in the movies. but that wouldn't be fair, to me, to them, to everyone involved and that is why i know she can't evol me. for i bring complication into the situation. people should avoid me at all costs. for once i fall in evol, it takes forever to get back on my feet and to see a victim of evol in that state is truly uncomfortable.
someday, when i meet her and i look back at this mess of a situation the wide-eyed girl, the man of the future, and i face, i know that it'll seem better. i know that i can be better.
It's almost like you had it planned / It's like you smiled and shook my hand / And said, "Hey, I'm about to screw you over big time." / And what was I suppose to do / I was stuck in between you and a hard place / We won't talk about the hard place // But I don't blame you anymore / That's too much pain to store / It left me half dead / Inside my head / And boy, lookin back I see / I'm not the girl I used to be / When I lost my mind / It saved my life // It's how you wanted it to be / It's like you played a joke on me / And I lost a friend / In the end / And I think that I cried for days / But now that seems light years away / And I'm never going back / To who I was // Cause I don't blame you anymore / That's too much pain to store / It left me half dead / Inside my head / And boy, lookin back I see / I'm not the girl I used to be / When I lost my mind / It saved my life // I think I cried for days / But now that seems light years away / And I'm never going back / To who I was /