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I don't look a thing like Jesus but I talk like a gentleman.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

love spelled backwards is evol

Subtitled: can't think of a proper title so i'll just leave it like this

Okay, let me warn you: this isn't a post for everybody. Some people aren't exactly pleased when i talk about the four-letter word so if you hate all this cheesy self-depricating bullshit i'm about to write, i think it's best to turn around now.

I am a victim. Victim of evol. I know it sounds so cheesy and i'll probably barf the next time i read this, when i'm saner and more guarded but when you've been trying to contain all the emotions of having the life sucked out of your veins into a single moment of trying to act normal, it gets tiring and i think it's safe to say that i am very, very tired.

A victim of evol knows where evol is. That's what hurts even more. I knew where evol is. I could smell it from a mile away. And somewhere in this jaded heart of mine, i hoped that this evol could be mine. I've been trying my best to control my mouth, for it is what betrays me most but when i'm down and out and i've no one to talk to, i find that it becomes my best friend.

I revel in pity and sympathy for i am hungry, eternally, for attention. When i see them together and i know that he makes her happy, i yearn for someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything will be alright. but i know that as a victim of evol, things don't always end up that way. We get bruised and beaten even before we are born into this world. it is our destiny to forever be hurt by evol. Such is the fate of a victim of evol.

I stare at the face of a baby and i know that he is a victim of evol. Not like me, though but a victim still. evol that was lost and found in someone else. A victim of evol's dire selfishness and how people can kill to get evol. It sucks, knowing that the actions of his father shall forever hang over him like an ugly adulterous shadow but a victim of evol never chooses his path. it is simply laid out before him.

and my faith teaches me that God has someone planned for me and I want to believe it, so badly in fact that i yearn for the realization with every fibre of my being but when i am weak, i find that hope is slow in coming.

and if he makes her happy, who am i to stand in the way. who am i? i'm just another boy who fell in evol with the wide-eyed girl. She fell in evol with the man from the future. A time where there is no more complications and gender ambiguity. he swept her off her feet and away from me. what hurts the most is that i miss them both SO much but at the same time this stupid heart of mine quivers when i see them together. it's a lonely life, being a victim of evol but it has become mine. reveling in sympathy, getting attention where i can get it.

the man from the future. who can hate him? i stare at him, puffing his cigarette, talking to me about his hopes and fears and i know that we will always be friends. despite the fact that my whole life feels like crap, i know that the three of us will always be bound by an invisible rope. this rope is all i have now and as they go through a road that i am not fated to travel, i hold on to the rope like dear life.

i know that i can't will her to evol me for in the past, i've tried my best to evol people. evol is in the heart, not the mind like scientists would have you believe and willing is done in the brain. I tried so hard to evol people, holding their hand as they do in the movies. but that wouldn't be fair, to me, to them, to everyone involved and that is why i know she can't evol me. for i bring complication into the situation. people should avoid me at all costs. for once i fall in evol, it takes forever to get back on my feet and to see a victim of evol in that state is truly uncomfortable.

someday, when i meet her and i look back at this mess of a situation the wide-eyed girl, the man of the future, and i face, i know that it'll seem better. i know that i can be better.

It's almost like you had it planned / It's like you smiled and shook my hand / And said, "Hey, I'm about to screw you over big time." / And what was I suppose to do / I was stuck in between you and a hard place / We won't talk about the hard place // But I don't blame you anymore / That's too much pain to store / It left me half dead / Inside my head / And boy, lookin back I see / I'm not the girl I used to be / When I lost my mind / It saved my life // It's how you wanted it to be / It's like you played a joke on me / And I lost a friend / In the end / And I think that I cried for days / But now that seems light years away / And I'm never going back / To who I was // Cause I don't blame you anymore / That's too much pain to store / It left me half dead / Inside my head / And boy, lookin back I see / I'm not the girl I used to be / When I lost my mind / It saved my life // I think I cried for days / But now that seems light years away / And I'm never going back / To who I was /

Friday, March 24, 2006

bleeping life

finals has been hell for me but at least we made it past our thesis and defense with flying colors.

and even though i swore i would never let anyone make me feel bad about myself, i did and they don't even know it. it's a tough life, being a pugnosedfreakazoid. as kermit puts it, it's not easy being green.

so today, i finished my third tagalog poem to date. haha, it's not any good and i can just see my filipino writer friends frowning at the spelling and grammar of the whole thing, making imaginary red and green wavy lines, angry at the butchery of our mother language. anyways, it's called tinta.

Tinta
wala nang tinta ang bolpen ko
sa kasusulat ng mga
liham sayo
binuhos ko na lahat ng tinta ko
para masulat ang galit, sakit
at hirap ko

siguro ay wala naring tinta ang bolpen mo
o marahil ay
wala kang oras para magsulat
kasi ni isang salita ay wala ka paring
naibibigay
para malaman ko ang sagot mo

o di kaya'y naubos na ito
sa kasusulat ng mga liham para sa kaniya
pasasalamat sa lahat ng
kabutihang dala niya
pag-ibig para sa kaniya
liham para lamang sa kaniya
na sana'y sa akin mo nalang ibinigay

ubos na ang tinta ng bolpen ko
ngunit heto parin ako
nagsusulat dahil wala ka na
at kahit
magpasagasa pa ako sa kanto
wala nang mga liham na magpapabalik sayo

at sa huling liham ko
gamit ang bolpeng wala na ngang tinta
pasasalamatan kita

at sa sulat na di na mabasa
dahil wala na
ngang tinta
masasabi kong
tang ina bat minahal pa kita

ako
ngayon ay lalabas at bibili ng bagong bolpen

Monday, March 6, 2006

brokeback oscars


i knew it. the oscars aren't ready for a gay themed movie. and here i was thinking they were going to be open like that year when halle berry and all the black people won.

i'm trying to work on a kick ass post about the emotional roller coaster ive had these past few weeks but being too busy, i offer something to tide you over: the oscars list. join me in disappointment. i haven't seen crash but i heard it's nice. i remember they showed it here but no one saw it.

78th Annual Academy Awards®

Best Motion Picture of the Year
Winner:
Crash (2004) - Paul Haggis, Cathy Schulman
Other Nominees:
Brokeback
Mountain (2005) - Diana Ossana, James Schamus
Capote (2005) - Caroline
Baron, William Vince, Michael Ohoven
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) -
Grant Heslov
Munich (2005) - Steven Spielberg, Kathleen Kennedy, Barry
Mendel

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Winner: Philip
Seymour Hoffman for Capote (2005)
Other Nominees:
Terrence Howard for
Hustle & Flow (2005)
Heath Ledger for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Joaquin Phoenix for Walk the Line (2005)
David Strathairn for Good
Night, and Good Luck. (2005)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading
Role
Winner: Reese Witherspoon for Walk the Line (2005)
Other Nominees:
Judi Dench for Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005)
Felicity Huffman for
Transamerica (2005)
Keira Knightley for Pride & Prejudice (2005)
Charlize Theron for North Country (2005)

Best Performance by an
Actor in a Supporting Role
Winner: George Clooney for Syriana (2005)
Other Nominees:
Matt Dillon for Crash (2004)
Paul Giamatti for
Cinderella Man (2005)
Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
William Hurt for A History of Violence (2005)

Best Performance by an
Actress in a Supporting Role
Winner: Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener
(2005)
Other Nominees:
Amy Adams for Junebug (2005)
Catherine Keener
for Capote (2005)
Frances McDormand for North Country (2005)
Michelle
Williams for Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Best Achievement in Directing
Winner: Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Other Nominees:
George
Clooney for Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005)
Paul Haggis for Crash (2004)
Bennett Miller for Capote (2005)
Steven Spielberg for Munich (2005)

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Winner:
Crash (2004) - Paul Haggis, Robert Moresco
Other Nominees:
Good Night,
and Good Luck. (2005) - George Clooney, Grant Heslov
Match Point (2005) -
Woody Allen
The Squid and the Whale (2005) - Noah Baumbach
Syriana
(2005) - Stephen Gaghan

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material
Previously Produced or Published
Winner: Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Larry
McMurtry, Diana Ossana
Other Nominees:
Capote (2005) - Dan Futterman
The Constant Gardener (2005) - Jeffrey Caine
A History of Violence
(2005) - Josh Olson
Munich (2005) - Tony Kushner, Eric Roth

Best
Achievement in Cinematography
Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Dion
Beebe
Other Nominees:
Batman Begins (2005) - Wally Pfister
Brokeback
Mountain (2005) - Rodrigo Prieto
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) - Robert
Elswit
The New World (2005) - Emmanuel Lubezki

Best Achievement in
Editing
Winner: Crash (2004) - Hughes Winborne
Other Nominees:
Cinderella Man (2005) - Daniel P. Hanley, Mike Hill
The Constant
Gardener (2005) - Claire Simpson
Munich (2005) - Michael Kahn
Walk the
Line (2005) - Michael McCusker

Best Achievement in Art Direction
Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - John Myhre, Gretchen Rau
Other
Nominees:
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005) - James D. Bissell, Jan Pascale
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005) - Stuart Craig, Stephanie
McMillan
King Kong (2005) - Grant Major, Dan Hennah, Simon Bright
Pride
& Prejudice (2005) - Sarah Greenwood, Katie Spencer

Best Achievement
in Costume Design
Winner: Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Colleen Atwood
Other Nominees:
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005) - Gabriella
Pescucci
Mrs. Henderson Presents (2005) - Sandy Powell
Pride &
Prejudice (2005) - Jacqueline Durran
Walk the Line (2005) - Arianne Phillips

Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Winner: Brokeback Mountain (2005) - Gustavo Santaolalla
Other Nominees:
The Constant Gardener (2005) - Alberto Iglesias
Memoirs of a Geisha
(2005) - John Williams
Munich (2005) - John Williams
Pride &
Prejudice (2005) - Dario Marianelli

Best Achievement in Music Written
for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Winner: Hustle & Flow (2005) - Jordan
Houston, Cedric Coleman, Paul Beauregard ("It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp")
Other Nominees:
Crash (2004) - Michael Becker, Kathleen York ("In the
Deep")
Transamerica (2005) - Dolly Parton ("Travelin' Thru")

Best
Achievement in Makeup
Winner: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch
and the Wardrobe (2005) - Howard Berger, Tami Lane
Other Nominees:
Cinderella Man (2005) - David LeRoy Anderson, Lance Anderson
Star Wars:
Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005) - Dave Elsey, Annette Miles

Best Achievement in Sound
Winner: King Kong (2005) - Christopher
Boyes, Michael Semanick, Michael Hedges, Hammond Peek
Other Nominees:
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) -
Terry Porter, Dean A. Zupancic, Tony Johnson
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) -
Kevin O'Connell, Greg P. Russell, Rick Kline, John Pritchett
Walk the Line
(2005) - Paul Massey, Doug Hemphill, Peter F. Kurland
War of the Worlds
(2005) - Andy Nelson, Anna Behlmer, Ron Judkins

Best Achievement in
Sound Editing
Winner: King Kong (2005) - Mike Hopkins, Ethan Van der Ryn
Other Nominees:
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005) - Wylie Stateman
War of
the Worlds (2005) - Richard King

Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Winner: King Kong (2005) - Joe Letteri, Brian Van't Hul, Christian Rivers,
Richard Taylor
Other Nominees:
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the
Witch and the Wardrobe (2005) - Dean Wright, Bill Westenhofer, Jim Berney, Scott
Farrar
War of the Worlds (2005) - Pablo Helman, Dennis Muren, Randy Dutra,
Daniel Sudick

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
Winner: Wallace
& Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) - Steve Box, Nick Park
Other Nominees:
Corpse Bride (2005) - Tim Burton, Mike Johnson
Hauru
no ugoku shiro (2004) - Hayao Miyazaki

Best Foreign Language Film of the
Year
Winner: Tsotsi (2005) - Gavin Hood (South Africa)
Other Nominees:
Bestia nel cuore, La (2005) - Cristina Comencini (Italy)
Joyeux Noël
(2005) - Christian Carion (France)
Paradise Now (2005) - Hany Abu-Assad
(Palestine)
Sophie Scholl - Die letzten Tage (2005) - Marc Rothemund
(Germany)

Best Documentary, Features
Winner: Marche de l'empereur,
La (2005) - Luc Jacquet, Yves Darondeau
Other Nominees:
Darwin's
Nightmare (2004) - Hubert Sauper
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (2005)
- Alex Gibney, Jason Kliot
Murderball (2005) - Henry Alex Rubin, Dana Adam
Shapiro
Street Fight (2005) - Marshall Curry

Best Documentary, Short
Subjects
Winner: A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin (2005) -
Corinne Marrinan, Eric Simonson
Other Nominees:
God Sleeps in Rwanda
(2005) - Kimberlee Acquaro, Stacy Sherman
The Life of Kevin Carter (2004) -
Dan Krauss
The Mushroom Club (2005) - Steven Okazaki

Best Short
Film, Animated
Winner: The Moon and the Son (2005) - John Canemaker, Peggy
Stern
Other Nominees:
Badgered (2005) - Sharon Colman
The Mysterious
Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello (2005) - Anthony Lucas
9 (2005) -
Shane Acker
One Man Band (2005) - Mark Andrews, Andrew Jimenez

Best
Short Film, Live Action
Winner: Six Shooter (2005) - Martin McDonagh
Other Nominees:
Ausreißer (2004) - Ulrike Grote
Cashback (2004) -
Sean Ellis, Lene Bausager
Síðasti bærinn í dalnum (2004) - Rúnar Rúnarsson,
Þórir Snær Sigurjónsson
Our Time Is Up (2004) - Rob Pearlstein, Pia Clemente


i got that off the imdb site. that's it. see ya next time!