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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

weight watching

there's a test in mercury drug. i'm not sure if you've ever tried it. it's a glorified weighing scale-slash-height tester and yesterday, despite claims that i gained weight, i actually lost *gasp* one pound. anyways, there's this percent there, body something or other. I used to be in the tens-twelves. yesterday, i was only 3%. i found it weird and assumed that the warning "not a medical act" is very important.

went to adrian's wake yesterday and i'm sorta glad i went because i found peace in how i treated him. weird how a wake can give you peace. it was an awkward event that made us all sad. on the way home, we saw two streetchildren dead on the pavement. life is fragile.

i found this cool site where you can download free concert taped performances. some are really good but even on a broadband, it takes several hours. anyways, i'm glad i'm finally hearing vintage mraz stuff.

i have this shirt that, if you're any friend of mine, i'm sure you've seen. it's white and has a faux vintage feel and it says "don't annoy the unmedicated person". at first, i was a bit wary to wear this in church or anywhere remotely religious. but since i work in a seminary and my measly per project salary doesn't afford me the luxury of having shitload plenty clothes, i had to wear it. if you don't already know, i work in a born again seminary-slash-graduate school. the thing is, whenever an american pastor/professor sees me, s/he always has to comment on my shirt. "that's funny" or "that's cute" or "that's really good" after reading it out loud. today, i was taking pictures for my layout and i had to interrupt a class. the professor just HAD to comment on my shirt. it's weird since there's a mild drug dependancy reference and it's these pastors who seem to appreciate the humor. i think the prudish folks who frowned at me in church once should read this post. hahaha :D

downloaded joss stone videos too on FLV. i got an FLV player from this site. i'm too lazy to link today. :( also got jack johnson's video. *yawn* so bored and sleepy. i want to watch madagascar.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

another one bites the dust

It's amazing how it takes so much to prove to a jaded person how fragile life really is. I've been held up at gunpoint and been through really dark moments in my life and I thank God that to this day, I'm still alive.

A friend of mine died this morning. It's weird how I actually know someone who was in the evening news. I guess RG and I share reactions when he tagged me on my flooble. Adrian Robles offed himself with a cord in his own bedroom. The thing is, I wish I could call him my friend but in reality he was far less than that. At times, he'd diss me and I'd diss him right back. That was our relationship as far as I'm concerned.

One time, I cut in line in front of him. It wasn't intentional and I know I'm getting really cheesy just mentioning this. He was the kind of person that I didn't really care for. As the FX drove away without him, I didn't even flinch. I figured he'd catch the next ride.

But often times, people don't catch the next ride. They get problems and they don't get over it. I remember so well this time last year I was in the same situation. I'd lock myself in the bathroom with my cellphone and a pocket knife. I called a few people who I wanted to say goodbye to. Suicidal people often want to be stopped.

Life is so precious and I'm glad I had my faith to stop me. I've heard people say that "suicides" are weak and that they shouldn't have chosen to do something so drastic. What they don't understand is that sometimes, it's so hard to even breathe when you feel like a failure. It's hard to even continue living knowing that a few mistakes in the past have rendered you incapable of living a new life. Those same mistakes have stopped you from living the life you wanted to live. Maybe he has a different image of his future. I know I always imagined I would graduate in UP and that time I realized it wasn't going to happen, I felt really bad.

I was going through my stuff and I found a few stuff about him. He scribbled a note in a retreat letter. "Hapi Retreat! BGood Alwayz - Adrian". I guess I'm just filled with stupid questions I can't afford to answer. What if I had talked to him? Maybe I could have saved him.

I checked out my yearbook and I saw that I had written his write-up. It was filled with empty words that I didn't mean at that time. Now I see that each and every person who walks and talks and breathes deserves a chance to talk. No man is an island. Could a conversation save his life? He was mean to me because he was lonely. If only he had some decent friends.

Love is giving a person what he needs, not what he deserves. Sometimes, we can get homicidal over emotional fuckwits and assholes who waste our time. But I can't help feeling if only I had given him a handshake, a decent conversation, the time of day... maybe things could be different. Everyone deserves that. I just dismissed him because he was mean to me. Come to think of it, it wasn't even THAT mean. He would just tease me about my nose and stuff and my blog header gives you a clue that I don't mind that much. I just feel so helpless right now.

My faith tells me that suicide is a ticket straight to hell. I don't believe in limbo. I know that offing yourself is like spitting in God's eye and showing him how ungrateful you are of the gift He has given you. I don't ever want to wish Hades on anybody I know so here goes my point:

If you're feeling low, I may not seem like much help. People have sometimes been afraid of talking to me because they thought I'd correct them or that I was too much of a critic. I may not seem like much help, I know, but try me. It takes a slasher to help another slasher. Chances are, I can really help you. I'm not sure if this post is worth shite to people but I just wanted this out in the open.

Life is precious and I don't say that enough. Sometimes, I don't believe in it either. Whatever happens, know that God is always there and He wouldn't give you something you couldn't bear. I know a lot of you are cringing because I'm suddenly so cheesy but It's just so horrifying to find out someone you know offed himself. Problems pass, people pass, and sooner than you know it, we will, too.

Excuse me while I go into the other room and cry. :(

Saturday, May 28, 2005

cheesiest song and video ever

Okay, i almost didn't want to do this since I know a lot of people who love this band. but i'm about to do something new. i'm giving out an award. the award for "song with the most cliches" goes to: SIMPLE PLAN's Untitled. It's so cheesy, they didn't even think of a decent title. Incidentally, the video also takes home the "video with most cliches" award. ladies and gentlemen, SIMPLE PLAN!

This has got to be the most overrated and unoriginal song and video ever! it's like ever line and ever scene is a copy of something else! Just to prove how utterly unoriginal this song is, i am preparing a cross reference of almost all lines and how it has appeared everywhere: Be afraid, be very afraid.

I open my eyes
too many! from gospel to r&b, this line is easy!
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
"Blinded by the light" is a bruce springsteen and manfred mann song
I can’t remember how
100 demons, heather eatman, john mayer... this line is really cheesy
I can’t remember why
same goes here. phil collins, bob dylan, failure. ugh...
I’m lying here tonight
chris deburgh, steve conn, ducky boys
And I can’t stand the pain
faith hill, queensryche, la bouche
And I can’t make it go away
stabbing westward, dixie chicks, seether, head bangs,
No I can’t stand the pain
still faith hill, queensryche, la bouche
How could this happen to me
snow, plate-o-shrimp, jivestone
I made my mistakes
especially popular among the southerns (dolly parton, alabama) and the not so southern: pulse ultra
I’ve got no where to run
harper roy, night shift, 20 lyrics, bloom, saxon
The night goes on
"The night goes on" is a kenny rogers song. also appears in songs by rick astley and the cure
As I’m fading away
ugh, do i really need to elaborate? james taylor, circle of grief, ugh even a1!
I’m sick of this life
another regular in people's vocabs. rocket summer, witty life, etc
I just wanna scream
screaming names is old. dixie chicks, maroon 5, syleena johnson
How could this happen to me
gets old REALLY fast
Everybody’s screaming
wow, googling is tiring. their lyrics show up in anime songs all the time and we all know those songs are generic as hell. chic, new order
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
making sounds and no one hearing is OLD OLD OLD! korn, weezer, avril, joe jackson
I’m slipping off the edge
awkwardsville, pete shelley, park
I’m hanging by a thread
ugh, a fave song by nickelcreek! jann arden, mike and the mechanics
I wanna start this over again
does 'the scientist' ring any bells? leo sayer, cliff richard, diamond rio
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
haha, backstreet boys, hard headed, hints of sum 41
And I can’t explain what happened
brad paisley, my chemical romance, como fue
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
no mercy, jonathan seet
No I can’t
haha rolling stone, vitamin c, britney spears
How could this happen to me
ugh, *puke*


there, i'm not saying that all songs should be original but when all the lines to the song can be traced to a different song, you know it's not original. my first impression was wait a minute, these lines are REALLY familiar. and everyone's blogs are all raving about how original and heartfelt this song is. oh puhleeze.

for the video, all i can give you are these pictures:

there's rain, obviously. to somehow add the effect of sorrow. this is pathetic. i thought they'd stop when "perfect" hit the airwaves. what's up with the hair?!





why does this picture look soooo familiar? hmm... lemme see here...

oh yeah! remember ME? hahaha wow, britney fan, i see. :D this looks just like one of the shots in the everytime video!




i dont know how many SP fans i just ticked off. hey, if u really want to contradict me, get your own blog! hahaha :D

Friday, May 27, 2005

another summer day has come and gone away

last night was horrible. i had to talk to her. i wanted to tell her so much. my sister was on the line and i literally had to make a scene so that i could use it. after many attempts, the line was still busy as with the rest of the day. finally, i decided to just text her.

i really need to see you tomorrow. even for just one hour. i need to tell you something. please, just this one last time. don't reply and don't call the house.

i sounded so desperate, almost pathetic. i wasn't sure what it was that i hoped to accomplish. i was up half the night writing her this letter and making a CD of how i felt. i felt so cliche, the typical best friend who falls in love and hands in mix tapes. the advances of technology have provided more than a cassette.

she called the house anyway and i told her that i'll see her tomorrow. today was our agreed day. last saturday, we agreed to meet today. but ever since i bull shit on our friendship, things haven't turned out. i know she's making an effort not to go weird on me but she already has. i just want to fucking die. she sounds so weird on the phone. not like her usual self.

i told her i wanted to give her the disc and if it was all right, i wanted to accomplish the task today. she said "kaw bahala", or "it's up to you". Whatever happened to the times when planning stuff didn't seem so forced. i felt like i was holding her back from whatever she wanted to do today. i mean, she was leaving the house anyway, why does it seem like such a hard thing to come see me, too? i thought she loved me. at least that's what she said last sunday. but the past tense was present then, too. i want to die. i feel so embarassed.

i want to fucking die. there's no freedom in this world.

this morning, my whole family had their panties up in a bunch. my sister, still bitchy from last night, was fuming mad at the maids for not cooking her food. my mom defended them, saying the maids aren't that smart and if you want something done, you have to tell them and remind them. plus, food at the house is so gosh darn complicated. my sister is allergic to all meats except pork, all forms of cooking except boiling, most vegetables including carrots and potatoes, and all fruits. my other sister limits the list further, adding cabbage and an assortment of other vegetables. my mother has high blood, hypertension, and mild allergies and avoids mostly all meats except fish and chicken, potatoes and apples. which leaves us to eat tofu and veggies at least five times a week. and people wonder why i'm such a hog. i don't get enough nourishment so i overcompensate.

even my dad was bitchy. he said "you'd better go home early today and refill the ink because i'm printing my documents tonight". geez, you sound like the mafia. when my sisters went down, he was all friendly and chatty with them. i can see where my schizo gene comes from. to think i don't even get in his way most of the days. i'm his only child who actually commutes. he picks up my sisters to and from work. i don't mind about that. it's just that i don't cost much, don't be mad at me!

on a happy note, i'm selling american idol season 4 cds. It's an MP3 CD, P250, negotiable and available in Metro Manila only. anyone interested? the CD contains all televised performances from the auditions to the finale episode yesterday. it even has the ford videos (in two formats) that are unaired locally. leave a comment or tag if you want. here's the basic directories on the CD. i didn't elaborate since that would take too much time:

Washington Auditions w/ HTML Recap - January 18, 2005
St. Louis Auditions w/ HTML Recap - January 19, 2005
New Orleans Auditions w/ HTML Recap - January 25, 2005
Las Vegas Auditions w/ HTML Recap - January 26, 2005
Cleveland & Orlando Auditions w/ HTML Recap - February 1, 2005
San Francisco Auditions w/ HTML Recap - February 2, 2005
Hollywood Eliminations Group - February 8-9, 2005
Hollywood Eliminations Single - February 15-16, 2005
Top 24 Men - February 21, 205
Top 24 Ladies - February 22, 2005
Top 20 Men - February 28, 2005
Top 20 Ladies - March 1, 2005
Top 16 Men - March 7, 2005
Top 16 Ladies - March 8, 2005
Top 12 - March 15, 2005
Top 11 - March 22, 2005
Top 10 - March 29, 2005
Top 09 - April 5, 2005
Top 08 - April 12, 2005
Top 07 - April 19-20, 2005
Top 06 - April 26-27, 2005
Top 05 - May 3-4, 2005
Top 04 - May 10-11, 2005
Top 03 - May 17-18, 2005
Top 02 - May 24-25, 2005
what are you waiting for?
make me happy and buy now!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

american idol (not so) fearless (anymore) predictions

Here's a post that I scribbled down last night. I thought I published it but it somehow ended up in my drafts. Here it is anyway:

Subtitled: is country music making a comeback?

She's from Oklahoma. He's from Alabama. Go figure. Hemmingways, I found myself horrified that I wasn't watching the finale earlier this evening. I didn't see the first part because I was too busy blogging. People here heard a very audible *gasp!*. LOUD running footsteps around the house followed and a cry of agony by yours truly: WHY?! How could i forget!? Without further a due:
American Idol Fearless Predictions

Who should win: VONZELL! ha ha joke! Bo Bice! He's talented enough and I stand by my word that if either he or Carrie were to stand up against Fantasia, they'd win. Plus, for lack of a better reason, it's time we see a white male win Idol. It seems like all the stereotypes have been filled.

Who will win: Carrie Underwood! She's a shitload cooler than Bo. Plus, there's only so much marketing can do for Bo. Carrie's career will attract more idiotic Americans willing to buy her stuff. Aside from the Lynard crowd, Bo won't really hit it big elsewhere. Plus, she's blonde and attractive. Props for ogling points.

--------------------------

Fast forward to this morning. I'm too heartbroken to go to work. (I'm still in my boxers!) and I turn on the boob tube and find *gasp!* Philippine live coverage of the Finale. Suffice to say, Carrie won. I knew she would. She's so cool. You can really feel her emotions when she sings and I think that's a sign that she's got heart. :D I wasn't really sure if I wanted her to win but when she did, I sorta yipeed in glee. Maybe the white male will finally win next year. Nah, maybe not.

In unrelated music news, the Spice Girls are having a reunion! Cool! Ha ha... About time they wised up and figured out how to get more moolahhhh! *Guffaw* I sound like a complete idiot.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

anakin burns up: that's hot!

subtitled: christopher lee is everywhere.

I went against everything I said in my Superman post and watched Revenge of the Sith anyway. It was okay. Some parts were kinda boring. After a while, all those computer generated fight scenes seem to look like the one before it. the 'highly-anticipated' (air quotes) fight scene between darth vader and ob wan (spelling?) was too long and too excruciating. but it was nice to finally get an explanation between episode 2 and 4.

there were these moments that i wanted to bash the scriptwriter's head in. in the early part (that's where the movie's kinda icky. it picks up after a while), anakin, ob wan, and the chancellor dude are on a plane on the verge of breakdown. when the ship loses its bottom half, anakin says "we lost something". the only thing missing is the canned studio laughter. (oooh baracuda!) when they land and it's a bit rough, ob wan says "not a happy landing". ugh, i haven't seen anything so cheesy since ahhhhnold was doing action.

natalie portman was as usual so gorgeous. her crying is really nice on screen although her body looks a little weird since she's supposed to be pregnant but has such a small frame. hayden's acting has improved. maybe working out for the part juiced up his acting skills. his arms are huge. yoda has white hair and he strokes it in one scene. made me wonder, did yoda have hair in episode 1? the chewbaccas (spelling?) are so cute. i didn't know there were so many. plus, i got to see what a clone looks like without the mask. kinda interesting. i didn't know they were human.

the star wars fan in me wants to buy all 6 dvds when they come out in box set so i can reminisce and answer some questions i have about the movie. but i don't think i can sit through yet another elaborate fight sequence. not that they aren't cool but it gets old this fast.

there's one scene at the beginning where they rescue the chancellor. ob wan gets flung across the room and heavy metal (not music) falls on him. the CG effects was reminiscent of the first HP movie when Harry plays quiditch and you can tell it's not really him by the way his body moves. anyways, the rest of the movie is a technological wonder and that's got to mean something.

all in all, i rank it down there with kill bill 2. not really THAT impressive but you just wanna get find out how the story ends.

movies to watch:
1. house of wax (that's hot! hahaha)
2. la visa loca (preliminary impression: has a manufactured hong kong movie feel to it and i don't mind)
3. MADAGASCAR! (for the kid in me)

i wanted to watch house of wax but my friends were really set on seeing ROTS. *sigh*

PS. I wanna thank the Doctor and Evi for those really cool comments. At times when i don't want to admit but know that i need affirmation, it's nice to know that you guys appreciate my writing. *uh oh mush alert*

a letter to myself

I had this idea in my head this morning as I woke up and here I am trying to write it down.

a letter to myself
You seem different these past few days. It's a subtle difference, almost ignorable, if you don't take notice to the smaller things. There's less fluff in your walk. There's less joy in your talk. Your efforts to subdue your feelings may have worked for some but it doesn't work for me. I know you too well, whether or not you know what that really means.

Was it her? Did she do this? Does she even know what she's done? These are questions you need to answer. I see you lying on the floor, pretending to be asleep, stifling tears that have come to soothe the night. When you wake up, it's these same tears that greet you and I can't help think it shouldn't have to be this way. When love is like hurting, maybe you ought to rethink your options.

I've been there, once or twice and I know that things aren't as easy as it sounds. You can't just say 'I'm over her' and you actually are. These things take time. I once fell in love with her, too and we were both to childish, too young to even consider the boundaries that our love meant. I know how it feels to be so insanely in love that you'd forego all feelings of jealousy, anger, pain, and sorrow. Know that this too shall pass.

Please forgive me for my distance. I always felt like I was a spectator to your life. When you're ready, I can help you mend but you have to swear you'll help me preserve you. You're drying out. You're the last of your kind and you don't have to wait for others to see that. I see it.

I don't think this will really help but I'll say it anyway. You may feel a little under the weather but I wanted to tell you that you are loved. Maybe not by the person who matters most but I love you just as you are. Whether or not you believe I love you is up to you but I wish you'd listen to what I cannot say out loud. I don't want you thinner, taller, smarter, or more romantic. I love you because you are perfect in my eyes. There isn't anything that you can do to convince me otherwise.

That's it. That's how it ends pretty much. I didn't want to say too much because I'm afraid any further introspection would cause spontaneous combustion.

Last night really cleared up a lot of questions in my head. I've never really had to confront the feelings that I had. All I knew was I loved her too much to see her go. I knew we were drifting and I was afraid that perhaps our almost decade-long legacy was coming to an end. At that point, how I felt about her didn't matter. I'd rather hear her voice on the other line talking about her new love than to not hear it at all.

She asked me what it was that I saw in her, as if confronting previous questions wasn't painful enough. She was somehow doubtful, thinking maybe I didn't really love her but I was just afraid I'd lose her. I couldn't really give her an example of why I love her but I offered her a metaphor. We have this proverbial 'page' that we get on and off. It symbolizes love but the thing is, for all these years, we've only been on the same page for a week. I told her every time I got on the page and you left. Every time that I got off the page and she got on, there'd be pieces of her that are left in my heart. Slowly and as time went speeding past us, the pieces formed a larger piece until my heart started to yearn for someone who could take its place in my heart. But each time new love appears, it's those same bits and pieces that I look for in them. Often times, I realize how different they are from her and that's when it all ends. I can't love them because they're not her.

She asked me if it was okay that we were talking about her new love. I said what at that time felt like the truth. Oddly enough, I held no resentment for him. He seemed warm and almost fuzzy. I told her I knew I couldn't make her happy and knowing that he somehow could is all I really need to know. Who am I to put a person who makes her happy in jeopardy? I told her I don't mind talking about him because I love hearing her sound happy. I wish I was making her happy. I wish I was making her feel loved but things don't always turn out the way we want them to. I told her I just want you to be loved and who it is that's loving you doesn't matter anymore. At least not to me. I wanna see you loved and I don't care anymore who's doing the job.

But then the night was young and we talked longer. She told me how she felt but I knew she was holding something back. Last night, I poured out my heart. After quiet introspection, I started to harbor ill feelings for her and her new love. I realized I was insanely jealous that she tells him the three words that I never heard from her. I realized how the complications of the situation was setting me back a couple of years in mending. I told her I was tired of never seeing her on the page. I told her I needed to be alone so that I could sort my feelings.

I guess what's stupid is how transparent I became. I knew better than that and I told her too much. That was how it ended sourly. When I finally confronted my emotions, I felt resentment and anger towards the whole situation. I was angry and I wanted her to feel even an ounce of the pain that her love is putting me through. I thought if only I could make her see how much this love of hers was causing me so much pain then maybe the pill wouldn't seem so hard to swallow.

I woke up feeling terrible. I didn't go to work. I didn't move from where I lay. I just wanted to hide. Disoriented, for a moment I felt like I was still talking to her on the phone. I cried this morning hoping that though she was miles away, she could hear it. I cried because no one was looking and because I needed someone to cry for me. I needed someone to tell me that this pain is hurting them too and since there was no one to fill that spot, I had to jump right in.

Oh well, I knew what I was getting into when I fell for her. My only fault is I shouldn't have said anything. I should've just let things heal between us. Right now, I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk to her. I called her up this morning to apologize but she wasn't feeling chatty. I guess she was still sour about how last night ended. It was then that I decided to stop doing things like that. Stop walking into situations that will only hurt me. I'm afraid I don't know how to talk to her anymore. Do we talk about him like we always do? Do we talk about us and how this situation is causing me pain? Should I still meet her on Friday and if so, will it hurt even more? I don't think I'll ever be ready to answer these questions. All I know is I've fallen and I've fallen hard.

"Love... love is not pretending. Time... time was meant for mending. Memories into all is satisfactory. Healthy smiles fill the page the day we spent in miles. And I let her drive away from me."

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

if you forget me

this is my favorite track off the Il Postino Soundtrack. It was read by Madonna. it's quite famous and if you've just been dumped / brokenhearted / about to leave a long term relationship, this poem's just the thing that you shouldn't be reading if you don't want to end up taking a bullet from a gun or running a knife off its edges. kidding aside, this poem's the juice.

If you forget me
I want you to know one thing
You know how this is

If I look at the crystal moon
At the red branch of the slow autumn at my window
If I touch near the fire the impalpable ash Or the wrinkled body of the log
Everything carries me to you
As if everything that exists - aromas, light, metals
Were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me

Well, now
If little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you
Little by little
If suddenly you forget me
Do not look for me
For I shall already have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life
And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots
Remember
That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms
And my roots will set off to seek another land

But, if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me
With implacable sweetness
If each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me
Ahh my love, ahh my own, in me all that fire is repeated
In me nothing is extinguished or forgotten
My love feeds on your love, beloved
And as long as you live, it will be in your arms without leaving mine
-------------------------------------

i love jack johnson. i swear 'in between dreams' is truly phenomenal. too bad it was misbranded as poprock by local record labels. this record does not belong to the same category as lifehouse (y'all have seen the sticker "poprock for a fun summer!"?.


i downloaded it *gasp* and didn't really listen to it much. the single 'sitting, waiting, wishing" is poignant but untelling. the video is brilliant. i didn't realize all this until i finished downloading the whole album and listened to it while i was bloghopping.

it's bluesy, it's poppy, it's everything they're not. i'm seriously considering buying it in digipak. jack johnson has been in the music industry for eons and i'm glad he's finally breaking through. favorites include 'better together' (sounds like a cool vintage song) and the ridiculously happy 'breakdown'. it's laid back music that's fun to pop in the player when you just want to relax but it's jumpy enough to work out to. speaking of working out, damn i have to start running again. these thunder thighs aren't really going anywhere.

hemmingways, seriously this album is totally deck. i'll probably still have it on when i wake up. :D

fortune cookie


damn, those cookies are accurate.

PS. Had to get rid of the MakePovertyHistory.org white band because it was screwing up the Blogger NavBar. I know a lot of people don't like the NavBar but I actually do and that's how I bloghop half the time. It works, aside from the occasional spam blog you encounter. I remember hating blogs that would seem like dead ends because the NavBar wasn't there to take you to the next random blog so i had to weigh my options. If you wanna end poverty somehow, just click the link there.

my favorite song revisited

and so it is just like you said it would be / life goes easy on me / most of the time / and so it is the shorter story / no love, no glory / no hero in her sky / i can't take my eyes off of you / i can't take my eyes off you / i can't take my eyes off of you / i can't take my eyes off you / i can't take my eyes off you / i can't take my eyes... / and so it is just like you said it should be / we'll both forget the breeze / most of the time / and so it is the colder water / the blower's daughter / the pupil in denial / i can't take my eyes off of you / i can't take my eyes off you / i can't take my eyes off of you / i can't take my eyes off you / i can't take my eyes off you / i can't take my eyes... / did I say that I loathe you? / did I say that I want to / leave it all behind? / i can't take my mind off of you / i can't take my mind off you / i can't take my mind off of you / i can't take my mind off you / i can't take my mind off you / i can't take my mind... / my mind...my mind... / 'til I find somebody new

Lisa Hannigan sings the girl's part. It's so touching to hear a song that just epitomizes everything you feel. I felt like Damien ripped my heart out, poured its contents in a cup, drank it straight up, and wrote this song.

Excuse me while I plummet to my death.

Speaking of Damien, I actually first fell in love with Cannonball. It's sheer irony really appealed to me. Stones taught me to fly. Life taught me to die. Courage, teach me to be shy. It's amazing how the opposite of things can, in a way, teach you sort of like how my mom cites our poor neighbor as how i'd end up if i don't get a degree.

I downloaded this video of the blower's daughter here. Right click it then hit Save Target As... It will take a while to download but it's worth it. My favorite part (Lisa's) is so unique in this video because Damien actually sings with her. It's a falsetto rendition reminiscent of Daniel Bedingfield but it's a nice one nonetheless. Besides, it's his band and his song.

There are other videos in The Eskimo Friends, most of which were lifted from Damien's TV performances. Anyways, this site is awesome if you like this sort of music, eg Peter Gabriel-ish stuff. The soundtrack to Closer and In Good Company actually has a lot of them.

Go to Damien's official site and you can watch the official video. Here's how you can save it and then watch it forever!
  1. When the whole video has played, this means the video is in your temporary internet files. Locate this folder (it's different in different versions) and drag it to the desktop.
  2. Download the player here. FLV is this semi-new format used to play videos in flash. Yesterday, Mark gave me a link to Store Wars, a veggie spin on *surprise surprise* star wars and i downloaded it but i couldn't play it. This small application can play FLV files.
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had ice cream for dinner. i didn't feel like eating anything else. not really the anorexic way (not that that's the way i'm going) since ice cream can really pack the pounds but if it makes you feel any better i didn't finish the cone. this morning, i had a spoonful of chocolate cake for breakfast. either i'm on a crazy all-fat diet or i'm really depressed.

updates: i got a new server for my website and a couple of ideas that i jotted down in my journal for html-ing. i updated the links section there and i added some new scripts like who's online and how to stop spammers from getting the email addresses of posters and commenters. i also customized the comments link. No comments read "Slip me a hickey". One comment: "Somebody gave me a hickey!" you get the point. I'm not sure but i think 'slip me a hickey' is an Erykah Baduh reference. either that or i REALLY got her lyrics messed up.

the Doctor linking me up has really increased my traffic. So thanks to you Doc and Chris from sophpmoric, too. It's cool how we're all related, us bloggers. :D i find myself wanting to increasy my link space all the time.

i've been in the office since 10. it's 1:00 and i haven't done any real work. Adobe isn't even open. *sob* lazy lima bean!!!!!!!

ha ha... i'm a snob now, apparently.


You are a GRAMMAR GOD!

Congratulations! If your mission in life is not already to preserve the English tongue, it should be. You can smell a grammtical inaccuracy from fifty yards. Your speech is revered by the underlings, though some may blaspheme and call you a snob. They're just jealous. Go out there and change the world.
How grammatically correct are you? (Revised with answer key)
brought to you by
Quizilla

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Incidentally, today's the first night in two weeks that I got more than six hours of sleep. It's also the first night that I almost didn't make it to work because i was sleepy and I didn't want to get up.

Resolution: Sleep early. Yeah right. :D

Monday, May 23, 2005

kitty kal-el


adopt your own virtual pet!


i adopted an online baby tiger! (am i finally turning into a tomasino?)

i instinctively named him baby kal-el. the names 'clark', 'supercat', and 'supe' just seemed too cheesy for a silver tiger. after spending half of last night reading up on superman v, i'm totally sleepy and can't focus on work. noticing a nocturnal pattern, mom asked me why i wasn't sleeping anymore. i wanted to say kaaaaaal-eeeeeelll but was too embarassed to. haha, haven't gotten decent sleep in about two weeks thanks to my cheepskate tendencies with ISP Bonanza Reloaded. hahaha at least i can surf about 'ol supe for free!

they couldn't put a dash so it's spelled that way. get one for yourself, too! click on him to make him do stuff. make him happy! :D

Sunday, May 22, 2005

addictions

okay, i've got something to admit. are you ready? here goes: i am an ex-star wars fan.

i can hear it now. the shame, the embrassment, maybe pictures of asthmatic me with dorky hair and glasses will start to resurface and people will finally discover that i am, at heart, the dorkiest guy they've ever met. i've had a fascination / obsession with the force since time immemorial and although i'm glad this obsession has waned, i still cannot deny the fact that i once was a star wars fan.

lately, or ever since episode one let me down, i haven't really cared about star wars anymore. i've tried to feed the gaping hole left by star wars with a number of addicting forms of entertainment: pokemon, batman, as well as some that actually managed to fill said hole: music and the internet. lately, the latter has ushered in a new addiction: superman. my surfing natalieportman.com and reading she turned down the role of lois lane made me wonder who they cast as the man of steel and whatever happened to tom welling. (no need to answer that)

okay, superman geeks are kinda weird. in one hand, we're quite an eclectic bunch. most of us are toting around pictures of brandon routh (pronounced south) sporting the new superman costume. (click the picture for an official picture c/o IMDB, unofficial (i'll explain later) c/o a spanish site, omelete.com) some of us have been asking around, testing the waters making sure that people will respond to this new effort. smallville did little to tide me over. it only made me confused about teenage clarky. why is lois lane there? why is he friends with lex? how many people are mutating because of kryptonite?(don't answer those). hemmingways, this new movie has really got me excited. it's coming out in 2006 but i can barely wait. i heard if all this goes well, a string of new superman movies will push into gear. there are a couple of fan pictures circulating the internet with elisha cuthbert as the new supergirl. how exciting. i can't imagine someone who will do a better role!

the downside of this superman flick is kate bosworth. yes, i know, she's orlando bloom's ex but not many people remember that she too is an actress. remember blue crush? okay, maybe she's not a great actress but an actress nonetheless. her casting as lois lane is kind of embarassing since lois has always figured me as smart and a natural brunette. kate bosworth may have dyed her hair brown but my mind will always be set on her surfing the waves with blonde hair. plus, natalie portman is both smart (she has a psych degree... from HARVARD) and has been a brunette her whole natural life. No, her hair really isn't pink (for idiots who watched but could not fathom Closer). maybe the new movie will change my mind about Kate Bosworth. preliminary pictures from mtv.com seems promising. Maybe not.

Has anyone noticed that the lois lanes have been decreasing in quality ever since Teri Hatcher left the spot. I mean, there have only been two (1 officially) after her. You know what i think about katie and that girl from smallville seems like a tramp to me. she reminds me of a slutty version of jessica alba which is disturbing since lois never seemed like a "homegirl" to me.

kevin spacey is the new lex luthor and all i can say is 'nuff said. he's so perfect for the role. he's smart and creepy at the same time.

brandon routh, like i said, will play the man of steel. casting a virtual unknown is so cool because then, they can be rid of people judging the new movie based on the actor's previous work. plus, if the film had been shot in '94 like it was supposed to, Nicolas Cage (ewwwwww...) would've been superman. like most superman films, this has been very tedious and people involved in the movie come and go like destiny's child members.

anyway, everyone agrees brandon will be the next big thing. not like when they were saying hayden christensen was the next big thing (but now isn't) but really, this guy's the juice. there are so many coincindences that are so cool. this one's my fave: christopher reeve died on his birthday. how creepy is that? he was also clark kent in a halloween party last year. that's when the picture above was taken. other similar pictures are everywhere on the internet, including some hilarious and some downright gorgeous fan-made superman pictures.

i was looking him up online because he seemed vaguely familiar. he's on the verge of stardom and the first step has begun: they have cleared up his online tracks. his website now looks professional and they've deleted his friendster account. there were a couple of lucky bastards who went to brandon's (BJ for short haha close?) website before the makeover and they said his online journal made him seem like a small star on the verge of greatness. that sounds (to me at least) like he was probably very excited and wrote all about his experiences online, much to the dismay of the studio. any form of honesty and those guys bail. seriously, that sounded kinda cute.

hemmingways again: turns out, he was in will and grace and the gilmore girls. he was basically an extra in both shows but it was kinda cool. i was watching will and grace kanina and it was the episode where will gets a sort of sugar daddy (SD). the guy gets offended after will accuses him of that because it was apparently not true. he's just really generous with his friends. they meet at a party and the SD is with a new *ahem* "friend" named Sebastian who was donning the exact same outfit SD bought will a couple of days before that. Sebastian was tall but his face was towered with a cowboy hat. well, i think you know where this is going. I had a little hunch it was brandon but i wasn't sure. i've been superman hunting all weekend and i know nga that he was in w&g but i've never had a reason to blog about all this. until of course i looked up BJ routh on IMDB and confirmed his role as Sebastian. (click here to see a picture. we superman fans are quite resourceful!) such news, i think, bears blogging! imagine, superman in will and grace!

he's unusually tall and freakishly pale but my mom said "gwapo" the moment he saw'rd him. i think it's kinda cool how one guy can go from W&G extra to superman. coolness. :D

addictions to feed: gotta save enough money to buy superman goodies in 2006. wanna know what the new movie is about. ha ha... what did i tell you about us superman fans being resourceful? This is from zap2it.com.

The new "Superman" adventure has been in production in Australia since mid-March. Instead of an origin story, the film will focus on the Man of Steel's return to Earth after an absence that has allowed former love Lois Lane (Kate Bosworth) to move on to a new man (James Marsden). Besides realizing that Lois is fine without him, Superman discovers everyone else on Earth has coped as well. To redeem himself, our hero embarks on an epic journey to save his adoptive world from destruction.
Coolness. I can hardly wait. They say the movie will probably shoot until August. A lot of directors dropped out, including McG of Charlie's Angels fame and after watching Big Fish, my fave director Tim Robbins. Bryan Singer who was responsible for making the X-Men franchise such a hit dropped out of X3 to be a part of the Superman team. The film tentatively known as "Superman Returns" (aka Superman V and in one site is 'Untitiled') will be released summer (US) of 2006 but i seriously think they'll push it back further. hello, it's a film that has been casting for eons, spent even more time in pre-production. (click here for superman V history including past directors, cast, etc.) go figure how post-prod will do.

PS: I still think Natalie is a better Lois.
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Lessons learned this week: The only thing worse than realizing the train has left you behind is knowing the train was waiting for you the whole time. My saturday date (girl who frequents my blog on staurdays, girl that song is about...) is now my best friend again. If you really love someone, you have to be willing to accept it if she won't be happiest with you. you can be a f*ing masochist like me and eve help her iron the wrinkles out with the person that can seriously make her happy.

Here's a picture of me and my sister in Taco Bell. I was wearing a new shirt because Sunday School left baby spit, sweat, and juice on my T-shirt. It's really small but the price tag says LARGE. when i asked my sister, she said she got it from the kiddy section. Ha ha... who cares. i seem to have the ill-concieved notion that it looks good on me. :D there's my sister: wanna be tokyo pop-star.

the real harajuku boys

gasp! there are actual harajuku boys. i thought i was the only one. :( the caption reads: Like Gwen Stefani and her posse of Harajuku girls, soccer star David Beckham with his very own "Harajuku boys."


This post means another set of Search Engine Keywords via my Stat Counter. Ha ha, that's how i found out there are other harajuku boys.

1. quezon avenue callboys (huh?)
2. harajuku boys (*sigh* there are many others)
3. Luke Jickain (a regular now, apparently)
4. http://www.freefiona.com/ (yay! people are getting to know this!)
5. joross and roxanne (ahem)
6. Luke Jickain Pictures (see no. 3)

Saturday, May 21, 2005

on growing out of and into

There's this thing that I saw in Smallville once. Chloe wrote Clark a letter and it really hit the spot, my spot that is. I guess being the boy that girls grow out of, I could really relate.
I want to let you in on a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin, I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me. I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend. Sometimes I want to rip off this facade like I did at the Spring Formal, but I can't because you'll get scared and you'll run away again. So I decided that it's better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings.

My dad told me there are two types of girls. The ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day youll fly back to me because I think you're worth the wait.
This has been ever present in my writing recently. In Hunters, I tried to put to words the feeling of being left behind after getting so used to all the attention. People grow out of you and there isn't much to do about it.

In my latest vignette 'Bathroom', I tried to right down the feeling of being willing to do anything to the extent of self-deprication just to be loved again. Bulemia is just a metaphor of everything that one can do to win that person back.

In that cheesy song I wrote 'Was You' (found in Trouble In Harajuku Paradise), I tried to write down the feeling of being left behind and not being able to do anything about it. It's like you don't want them to go but knowing that staying with you makes them unhappy, you'd let them go. I'm not sure if I was successful with those objectives. Maybe that post was too happy to include my sullen verse.

I'm so tired of being the boy that girls grow out of. I'm tired of not having anyone to love and not having anyone to love me in return. I'm tired of people who are blissfully in love without even finding it. I'm tired of waiting for one phone call to redeem my status with her.

Somebody pass the *****. I'm sorta down right now.

gael garcia bernal

do you like gael garcia bernal? do you find glee in engaging in "who's more gwapo? julio or tenoch?" debates? did you love him in el crimen del padre amaro and the motorcycle diaries? well then this is JUST FOR YOU:


how do you like him now? he's so pretty in a dress! hahaha
seriously, he's a good actor. certainly better than diego luna in terms of choosing projects (i'd take motorcycle diaries any day than havana nights). he's not afraid of nude scenes even though he's not very *ahem* blessed. not sure if he speaks better english than diego but i guess if he floats your boat, this picture is definitely worth a laugh or two.

disturbing

why is natalie portman bald?

for this film called v for vendetta, apparently. how shocking indeed.

commemorative of mg's return

i took a test. hahaha i know i shouldn't be admitting this but i am a recovered MG fan! hahaha

Hua Ze Lei/Hanazawa Rui

Hanazawa Rui/Hua Ze Lei

Which Meteor Garden + Hana Yori Dango character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, May 20, 2005

kentuckyfriedcruelty.com

look, i know what i said yesterday, err this morning about how i couldn't really care less how the chickens in KFC are klled and how all I care about is how the chicken tastes. i was wrong. so wrong.

i'm not really a vegetarian. i wish i had the discipline to but i don't so I can't really go veg. i used to think it didn't really matter how the chickens are killed in KFC as long as the food's good.
a friend of mine was laughing at the campaign poster for kentuckyfriedcruelty.com that he saw daw in edsa. i was bored last night after my darna post poofed away so i just went there to see what it was.

i didn't pay it much mind. in fact, i didn't even look at the videos since downloading them would be killer for a dial-up. But with the office LAN, i decided to have a go-see.

KFC is so horrible. They torture the chickens. Most of them are fully conscious when they are scalded with boiling water in a defeathering process. the debeaking process (the chicken's beaks are removed while they are young) is so inhumane and so horrible that someof the chickens even die from the pain. hidden cameras revealed underpayed staff in the slaughter houses mishandle the poor birds. they are also kept in unsanitary pens with ten thousand other chickens, most of them never even seeing the light of day. to quote the video, they are treated like meat machines, not animals.


chickens are as smart as cats and dogs. we had a pair of chicks once and they were really smart. them dying and ending up as tinola (or was it adobo) was really horrible. at least they died quickly. the KFC chickens are stomped, bashed on walls, amidst their cries for help which you can hear from the video.

it's sad. i don't know if KFC philippines uses these chickens. i once heard they get it from the US at roughly P9 a piece but that was somehow unjustifying the price, not really the standard of living these chickens had.

if you want further information, click here. i'm not a vegetarian. i don't really mind fur coats but these chickens suffering before they die is just really horrible. eating KFC will never be the same again, to think it's my favorite restaurant. not sure if i'm to boycott. time will tell. i heard they (PETA) are making progress with the case and the people in KFC are ensuring the chicken's welfare.

oh, a tip. don't watch the old version of the kentuckyfriedcruelty video with the old lady. her voice is very distracting. the pamela anderson version is nicer and more *ahem* entertaining.
i'm still so horrified from the videos. i can't believe it. those chickens deserve better. *sigh*

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Ex home of "Darna: My Two Cents" post

Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! I wrote this really long post about Darna and all its flaws and I was being bitchy but not so much. As I was copy-pasting it to Friendster, it magically disappeared. Maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't be so biatchy.

Aaargh! I injected humor. I had sub-headers in Bold Letters like they do in the papers. *sigh*

This picture is all that's left of the post. I photoshopped it, proof that this post was really a big deal for me. I wouldn't photoshop and upload a picture if the post wasn't worth shite. Isn't it deck how it looks like she's hitting her old self. I love me in that hat. Sure covers my bad hair. :D

I wanted to get it (Darna idiosyncrasies) off my chest but now it's even left the computer. *sigh*

I feel exhasuted and sleepy. I was up all night writing that post. I started off lightly but after a while I was reaaally getting into it. The post says I started typing at 11:25 and now it's 1:11. Gawsh... Oh well, maybe now's not the time to bitch about Darna.

Unrelated Postscript: As if seeing me in that Darna outfit wasn't enough, check this out. My friend saw a bi llboard in EDSA about KFC. There's a ton of info online that you might want to check out. it's vaguely intersting. the chickens suffered before they died and were cooked. anyhoo, i don't really care. i <3>Carniverous Vegetarian!

senso roboto restrooms

I’m sure it cuts down on how much water and paper is used which is nice, but sometimes I find myself making all sorts of slow-mo commotion under the tap and nothing comes out. You know what I’m spraying? Sometimes those censors don’t match up. Or I hate it when I’m sitting on an automated toilet and it decides to flush for me before I’m finished. - jasonmraz.com


Glad to know I'm not the only one who's uncomfortable with these automatic bathrooms. I especially hate the ass-detecting bowls that flush about two to three times before you actually need to. i also hate when you're standing in line for a faucet and when it's finally your turn, the faucet fucks up and won't give you any love. i hate sensors. almost as much as i hate censors. hahaha

his new album comes out july-ish and i can't wait. i absolutely loved waiting for my rocket to come. If you didn't know that was the title, my last sentence probably sounded iffy. I just watched a promotional video for the new one (mr. a-z) and i can't wait! i can't! hahaha... it's so incredibly pop-ish but still too smart to be ignored. :D

they mentioned rapping in the video and how jason is so good at rapping. of course, you'd think rapping meant eminem rapping (white boy) meaning a lot of words over little tune but after watching him perform this so-called rap, i realized it was like madonna or jewel rapping (white girls) meaning a lot of words on a substantial tune. bottomline: he sings fast. i'd like to see mayer do THAT.

incidentally, i checked out his (mayer) site. look at the international albums section. it says there there is a philippine special edition release for room for squares but i've never seen it before. has anyone here seen it?

blistering 'bout bukkake

i was surfing when i came across this article about one of my semi-still favorite albums Liz Phair. A lot of people thought it was absolutely heinous. A sell-out to the highest degree but I found it pretty entertaining. Maybe I'm just too stupid to tell the difference. Hey, this is the boy who stood in line for Jewel's 0304. I joined the street team too. But enough about embarassing details.

When you think about it, these two artists who were once revered and considered witty, smart, and poetic are now reduced to the ranks of wannabe teen stars. When they compared 0304 to Britney's albums, i just shook my head. Something's just not right.

I mean sure, 0304 and Liz Phair are admittedly worse than their predecessors. We angsty-chick-music-lovers are particular about our singers. That's why for many, Kitchie didn't even get a chance. I gave her a chance but then she had to fail us all.

Back to Britney. Special props is given to that guy who said though 0304 and Liz Phair may sound qwauful, their lyrics are pretty smart and strong. "Becoming" is a the theme song to self discovery. "Take a Look" is poignant but not overly self-revealing like most artists who decided to capitalize on Pink's formula. Have Britney walk a mile in their (Jewel and Liz) shoes and see if she can take it. It may sound poppy but Pop can't possibly manufacture something that smart.
I was reading this review for Liz Phair that was semi track-by-track. This particular paragraph stood out because there was an unfamiliar word. Here it is verbatim:

Special mention must be made, however, of the album's lowest point, which is the truly embarrassing H.W.C. (Hot White Come, note the careful avoidance of spelling the word as, "cum") in which Liz Phair sings of the rejuvenating effect that semen has on her hair and skin. That it reminded this reviewer of nothing so much as made-up letters in porn mags by women confessing to their enjoyment of bukkake is not actually a good thing and far from the sharp lyrics of Phair's previous recordings. - cdtimes.co.uk


I must admit that I actually liked (note past tense) that song. I was listening to it on my way home and I didn't really understand the lyrics. It's decievingly happy, sounding more like a B-side to the Sesame Street soundtrack than the hooker-y song it really is. I was singing it once in the bathroom "In your hot white car... in your hot white car!" turned out to be "give me your hot white come" much to my horrors.

It's a desperate attempt to shock people once popularized by Alanis, Kylie, Madonna, and Michael Jackson. Too bad it stopped working. This song is a load of bull. But still, it's fun to hear in the background when you can't really here the sexual undertone. (note really under)

The reason why this paragraph stuck out so much (I've read a lot of reviews for this album) was the presence of an unknown word. It's italicized for your convinience. What the fuck does bukkake mean?

Some sources say bukkake is the Japanese word for marinate. The sensi bukkaked the chick with meat juice. Some say it means execution via drowning. During the Salem witch trials, many suspected witches were bukkaked until they died on it. These definitions all sounded iffy. Plus why would the record reviewer use such a word in such a song unless it was somehow related to.. err.. never mind.

That is exactly why i wanted to find out what it really meant so i searched further for its definition. No, it isn't the same as it's sound-alike Tagalog word to spread your legs. Here's what the Urban Dictionary has to say:

bukkake
1. noun Variety of fetish that involves
repeated ejaculation on a female by many (8 will do) men.
2. verb To ejaculate on something, especially repeatedly

1. I think you have a future in bukkake videos.
2. Turn off your stereo or I will bukkake on it.
Source: Jake E. Pants, May 15, 2002

Gosh. That's what it meant. Oh well, you know what they say. Knowledge is still knowledge. At least from now on we'll never have to wonder what bukkake means. Ha ha ha...

We're sorta straying here. I honestly want an opinion on this topic. Have you listened to these album? Lemme know, okay?

shortest post ever

subtitled: scarier than hung's inspiration



'nuff said

a walk to remember

It's three measly tracks but I don't really care. I love this soundtrack and I (still secretly) love that movie.

1. I Dare You To Move - Switchfoot
2. Cry - Mandy Moore
3. Someday We'll Know - Mandy Moore, Jonathan Foreman
4. Dancing in The Moonlight - 2001 Remix Toploader (I wonder how different)
5. Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot
6. Only Hope - Mandy Moore
7. It's Gonna Be Love
8. You - Switchfoot
9. If You Believe - Rachael Lampa
10. No One - Cold
11. So What Does It All Mean? - West, Gould & Fitzgerald
12. Mother, We Just Can't Get Enough - New Radicals
13. Cannonball - The Breeders
14. Friday On My Mind - Noogie
15. Empty Spaces - Fuel
16. Only Hope - Switchfoot


I want it. It's cheesy and probably not in my best interest that i've just posted it in my blog. Special Expanded Edition! It's enhanced and everything.

Did I tell you I'm going crazy over Special Editions? While updating my Record Collection Database, I downloaded some tracks to upgrade my CDs like my Diary of Alicia Keys and Under Rug Swept are now Special Japanese Edition and my Aaliyah is now "2004 Edition". I think I'm going nuts. I'M GOING NUCKING FUTS!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

D.E.A.D

D.E.A.D stands for drugs end all dreams. i saw it on a street sign on my way home one day. but today, i learned a different lesson. drugs don't end all dreams, bad grades do.

i guess it was my own fault. if i had studied harder, if i hadn't cut that class, if i had submitted that requirement, maybe i wouldn't find myself in this situation.

so i guess it's obvious. i'm going back to UST. back to my mediocre life and my mediocre studies and back to fugly hair thanks to father roy.

tom won survivor. any other day and i would've been pissed but as i was watching yesterday, i guess it was a smart move. taking ian would be like big kim taking ethan to the final two. you don't bring the good boy there, even though ian did slip a little here and there, at least he was a good boy. ha ha... he gave up a million dollars to get his dignity back. does he get to keep the car?

the only time i liked katie was when the jury was grilling her. i was amused at how she fluently she used emotional blackmail. plus the fact that she didn't lie to them face to face. she wasn't orocan about her dealings. she was all like "janu, i dont wanna answer your question bec. i don't expect your vote anyway.". i was laughing, this time with her. janu was all cool about it and even said tom had her vote whether ot not katie answered the question.

usually when you get to final two, you can expect a LOT of plasticity. (eg lillian) at least katie was honest. colby was right, tom is stuck up prude who thinks he's honest even though he's just as dirty as the rest of them. at least he walked away with a fresh perspective and a lifelong friend in janu. isnt it sweet how he named his stepdaughter after her?

so depressed right now. called her house and she wasn't there. talked to her mother for a good twenty minutes. missed the recap of survivor even. at least i found out something nice. when her mom told her i called, she smiled. smiled. smiled.

brighten up.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

trying to explain

i didn't understand you guys last night. i was crying for help and you yourself didn't seem to see through that. i was just quiet. i didn't want to upset you further with my idiosyncrasies. for the first time in my life i just didn't know what to say and i'm sorry if i offended you in any way.

she still hasn't called. i wrote a friggin song for her and she can't even pick up the phone and call me. of course, my pathetic existence would not be complete if i didn't call her several times only to familiarize myself with the ring her phone makes. brrrrrrrng brrrrrrng... you're not picking up. maybe you're out with him having fun.

i'm sorry if i spoke out of line. i'm sorry if i'm not too much fun these days. guess i'm just not myself.

as for you, i really don't know what to tell you. things are weird and i don't really want to fight. i don't know if you meant what you said to me or if you were just in a bad mood. anyway, i'm the guy so i guess i should just adjust to you. but there are times when i don't wanna be the guy. why can't you wear the pants? why can't you adjust to me this time?

i'm tired and sleepless and i want to kill myself. somebody get here and save me.

who cares if you're not coming back? the avenues are lined up with heartaches of past. it's not like a girl leaving a boy is new. but this is the first time the girl, the girl was you.

serious survivor spoilers

i used to not believe in these spoilers but after watching survivor and seeing gregg then caryn get the boot, i conclude that the internet leaks are in fact, correct.

this leak totally rocks. they froze a scene from the trailer and if you look at it closely, you'll see that there are four people and an obvious tom wearing the immunity necklace. duh, no surprise there.

there are basically two insiders who have been leaking results. mercedes and wazzer. not sure about the spelling though. they have been predicting results since day 0. 0! yes, they leaked the survivor castaways and only about three were messed up in the process. that's really close.

so i regret to say my bet lost. :c ian was too much of a wuss to stick up to that backstabbing axe wound katie. it's unsure if jen or ian goes first but it has been confirmed that katie and tom will go to final two.

they could be wrong. i could be wrong. i hope i am. gawsh...

if ever they are correct. it's the first time that the most dominant survivor will win. i mean, every sole survivor has spent some time under the radar / riding coat tails. but the real survivor heroes like rupert never win anything. i guess this batch was too much of an idiot to vote the strongest one there when they had the chance to. serves them right.

i don't like tom much, that much is obvious but it's like the concept of lesser evil. i'd rather see him take the money home than that axe wound. anyways, it'll be nice to see a real survivor win this time. i didn't watch the first one though but i know for a fact that a lot of the survivors spent a lot of time under the radar. even ethan had his moments.

anyways, it's nice to know that tom is winning. of course, i'll still ditch work to see it live. it's also nice to remember the winner this time. a lot of the winners are totally forgettable. like sandra and chris? ewww... tom is definitely someone i'll remember because he was in front from day one. i'm a bit conflicted. maybe i just need to sleep and think this through. i'm sad ian lost. i'm a bit annoyed at myself for checking out the leak.

i watched this chinese movie and i was a bit content even though it was obviously manufactured. it was called love on the rocks and the guy looked like brent javier. just in that movie though. in others, he looks more like andy lau.

the twins (twins effect) were there although they never had a scene together. you know what's weird about the twins? the fact that they aren't really twins! they just sorta look alike! anyways, got to sleep. zZzZz...

freefiona.com!!!

being the idiot that i am, i actually thought fiona was in prison or house arrest or something. anyways...

FREE FIONA!!! is my new battle cry. i totally loved tidal. never is a promise is the best song in the world. her sophomore effort held (not sure if it still holds) the guiness record for the longest title in an album.

so they replaced tony mottola with this total newb andrew lack who knows nothing about music except the sound his idiotic brain makes when he eats cereal. a beautiful album completed may 2003 is now stuck in that stupid sony office because they figured the expense of hyping and promoting it would be higher than the money they get. tough luck, right? good luck, mate! we don't need hyping. that only increases the price of the material! grrr...

so please join me. god knows we need decent music again. can you believe this? it's like the first album was released via WORK which is like sony's baby. they won't even release her via sony itself. it's so pathetic. now they won't release her at all. i signed the petition so you guys should too! i've had enough of tasteless music. :D

naks, music vigilante? next thing you know, i'll be urging you to shave your head and wear sackcloths like they did in the olden days. ahhh... what i'd give to have them back! hahaha

Saturday, May 14, 2005

sullen boy

Today, I am sullen.

I was thinking about advice and how I always knew what to tell people. It's like that Liz Phair song I like so much. "You're always thinking you know what everybody else should do with their lives." I'm not sure if I'm demanding or a control freak. I guess you'd have to ask the people around me.

One time, we (RG and I) told Carlo to leave his hair and face alone, just for one day. I wanted to prove to him that the value of people does not change when their hair looks fucked up or if they somehow seem oily.

Practice what you preach, right. I usually didn't have any problems with myself. I think I can pretty much handle me without any enhancements. So this morning, I didn't put wax in my hair. I didn't put balm on my lips. I didn't moisturize my eye bags. Okay, so I'm not as happy with myself per se. But this day was for proving that I can handle myself.

It's weird. It's like my body's avoiding mirrors. I don't think I've brought myself to look in the mirror even when I used the restroom. I felt fat and fugly. I wanted to stay indoors. My mom and my sister went to Robinson's Pioneer to shop because there was a sale but I didn't want to go. I just wanted to cover myself. I really felt fat. I hadn't exercised in eons. I had no discipline to diet and I promised myself I'd quit barfing since it really wasn't right.

I was watching a rerun of Saturday Night Live. Conan was guesting and he wasn't as funny as he is on his show. There was a C-Span skit and all these one hit wonders were protesting the use of Napster and one by one, the senators dismissed them because they weren't really affected by the program since none of their songs ever got downloaded. Conan was Right Said Fred (I'm too sexy...) and he was once again, too sexy for a shirt. It was the first time I saw Conan semi-topless and it wasn't a sight that I was all too interested in. but I could tell that he was holding his belly in and I could somehow relate.

Comedians are usually okay with their bodies. They don't really mind packing on a few pounds or looking like an idiot. But seeing Conan in that awkward position made me think that all people go through insecurities with their appearance. I mean, RG's always telling me that I should accept my body and that I shouldn't care what people say (not that they were saying anything). But I don't know. We all have our standards and half the time, we don't meet them. We get all furious with ourselves and it's kinda depressing. Seeing Conan being awkward made me feel better because it made my case seem normal. I'm normal.

I didn't look in any mirrors today and though I felt fat, I still managed to stuff down a couple pieces of Gyoza. We went to Makro and I finally told my sister I read one of Papa's letters to his brother and I finally understood how he felt. He was being cranky because he was in pain and with that knowledge, I finally understood why he was acting that way.

She told me while she was looking for hair cream, she found cigarettes in my bag. I think the whole world just froze. I've never told anyone in my family about the cigarettes. She reassured me, telling me it was okay since she used to smoke, too. I said didn't we all? She even made fun of my Menthol fixation, saying it was like Stork.

It's okay to feel sullen because in our own little way, that's how we deal with things. We mourn over loss because we lost someone. We cry over things because it makes us sad. Some people can't express this so they become cranky. I guess that's okay, too. I'm really not the kind of person who would hide stuff from me. I mean, I know what's wrong with me and I'm man enough to face it. The time that I could accept that may have not come yet but it is coming. I know it is.

I'm normal so no one can tell me I cannot be sullen. I'll be sullen because I'm normal and it's perfectly okay to feel bad about your body. It isn't right but a greater sin would be too go in denial and say I don't feel these things. I'm glad RG's okay with his body, I really am but I think that he should be okay with me stressing about mine, too.

I'm not angry. No Gee, I don't wanna fight. Today I am sullen and it feel's right.

trouble in harajuku paradise

Disclaimer: Got less than three hours of sleep. Been HTML-ing all night and all early-today so forgive me if my weblog seems fictional. I can't really vouch for it's authenticity.

Yay! The first phase of curing my blog-addiction is over and I passed with semi-flying colors. I wanted to not visit my blog at all but I sorta chcked my chatterbox for cool people. Anyways, the challenge was not to blog so that being accomplished, I can tell you all about my day.

You can probably tell that my hands are aching from writing in my print journal all day. But here are a couple of highlights from yesterday.

I went to the dentist to get my tooth fixed. Blah blah blah boring boring boring.

I was in the stylist's shabby chic (shabisheek) boutique yesterday trying on some clothes for next week's album studio pictorial. I asked her what look she wanted for me and after a throng of "PoMo"s and "shabby chic" she said "I'm gonna make you the new Jewel."

"No way, that's not gonna happen."

"This is the look the record label approved of."

"No way, G. If the record labels always got their way, Norah Jones would be a friggin' disco diva by now." Yeah, it's a true story. Don't Know Why was slated for release as a dance hit.

She was all flustered and said "We're only going for the best look you can handle" She said, mapping stardom with her shabby chic hands. "And besides, didn't you say you like Jewel?"

"Yeah, duh. Pieces of You Jewel not Follow your heeaaaaaart Jewel!" And then I was all like "Plus, everyone says that so they can (whisper) look smart! Just look at Kitchie!"

She was nodding and stuff and then my phone started to ring.

It was David (Foster) and he called for the umpteenth time today to remind me of my "priorities". He says I should come up with the songs that I promised him I'd write for my major record label debut. Yeah, the first few demos I did and the independent first record of my ex-band Harajuku doesn't really count.

He's so chatty on the phone, making me feel guilty by saying stuff like "I never had this problem with Michael Bublé!"

I'm like "Duh, he's Canadian!".

He seemed to take offense so I said "Sorry D. (I call him D) It's just that I'm under a lot of stress right now with my work and all." I bored him to death about my layout gig and the dentist and how my blogging has to come first.

He's all like "Your career should be your top priority. We have to strike while the iron is hot! The music industry today is riddled with talent-less singer/songwriters so there's always room for one more!"

I'm like "I'm not sure I can trust you, D. What makes you think I think you have my career in your priorities"

He was silent, probably confused by my sentence construction. "I'm gonna do to you what I did to the _____ (my lawyer asked me to take that out). I'm gonna make the whole world believe you can write songs and carry a decent tune with it until you come out with your fifteenth album and they realize you can't write for shit."

I didn't know what to say. After all, the _____ are one of my favorite groups. Could he do to me what he did for them? The writing on their last album truly was crap.

I was all confused and stuff so I said "D, it's getting really late and I have to finish HTML-ing my website for cyber piracy."

He said "Okay, lemme know if you've got any new stuff. My iPod's getting kinda lonely."

All night, I was thinking of what David said and I wasn't sure how to react, basically. I knew my career should come first but then I've got so much stuff to do like look for the missing cat or locate my missing Smallville soundtrack and/or clean out my navel lint... After HTML-ing for a long time, I decided to sleep. It was about 4, I think.

I woke up on the floor again. I've got a meeting with the publicist and the stylist is going to dress me up in "better clothes". I could hear the floorboards creaking with people moving around outside my room. It was then that I got the idea for my first song. And to think I didn't need Lauren Christy, John Rzeznik, or the 4 Non Blondes to come up with it.

It used to be called "The Girl Was You" but my stylist G said it sounded too boyband-y and I agree so now it's called "Was You". The tune is a little bit iffy right now. D is so gonna kill me if he sees this post. Oh well, he knew what he was getting into when he signed up a blogger.

I lie steadily with my head on the floor
Listening to the house moan as you walk out the door
And all that I have of you is all that you've left of me
The sound of the floorboards have once again rocked me to sleep

Chorus
So who cares if you're not coming back?
The avenues are lined up with heartaches of past
It's not like a girl leaving a boy is new
But this is the first time that the girl was you.

I lie steadily with my heart on the ground
Listening for he moment that you'll come around
The floorboards that creak and moan will sing me a new song
But until that day all I can do is lie on the floor

Okay, so the meter is iffy. The lyrics need editing, nay abject cutting!. The tune sounds like a Lifehouse rip-off (don't all songs sound like something else?) and I probably should add a couple more lines here and there but basically, this is my first single. I'm thinking of releasing it first in Japan, just to spite my ex-Harajuku band mates (Lust, Demon, Rap, Tiyanak). Gwen must be so proud.

Okay, enough. This post is getting to wordy and I'm tired of trying to sound like a teenage hooker (I'm like and he was like so we were like, duh!) so I'll leave you with this final note: Sol#

Ha ha ha… Misery loves company.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Hipsters Beware

I got this from a blog and it's so funny how both applies to me somehow. I got it from this thing called The Hipster Handbook:

5 Clues that YOU are NOT a Hipster
1. You teach Sunday School. (hey, it's a ministry!)
2. You are a big fan of the suburbs and vinyl siding. (not true!)
3. You have a special 'spill shirt' that you wear when you eat dinner at night. (not true either!)
4. You read novels with raised lettering on their covers. (joy luck club is one of them!)
5. You eat at Popeye's on a regular basis. (mmm... chikin!)
6. You work in an office building that has a man-made pond and a fountain in its front lot. (nope, seems more like an apartment and a trike bay in front!)

6 Clues that YOU are a Hipster
1. You graduated from a liberal arts school whose football team hasn't won a game since the Reagan administration. (technically true since i don't live in the states!)
2. You frequently use the term "post-modern" (or its commonly used variation "PoMo") as an adjective, noun, and verb. (hey, there are only so many adjectives to describe poetry and art!)
3. You carry a shoulder-strap messenger bag and have at one time or another worn a pair of horn-rimmed or Elvis Costello-style glasses. (hahaha guilty as charged although my bag is in dire need of retirement!)
4. You have one Republican friend who you always describe as being your "one Republican friend." (nope, we flips love our democracy!)
5. Your hair looks best unwashed and you position your head on your pillow at night in a way that will really maximize your cowlicks. (partially true although admitting that would make me sound vain)
6. You own records put out by Matador, DFA, Definitive Jux, Dischord, Warp, Thrill Jockey, Smells Like Records, and Drag City. (i would if i enjoyed (assuming it is) indie music)


here's something else that's funny: the hipster glossary! *ahem* that's some cronkite of yours, bustin' a moby like some deck juicer. everyone knows that he's a midtown frado with about as much kale as MC hammer. Girl, you'd better quit the bronson and the jerry so you'd be sane enough to give him the frigidaire! *ahem*

not sure if that was right. guess you'd better check my hipster grammar. *lol*

unrelated postscript: started a blog in friendster for my family friendly posts. ate JM messaged me in friendster a couple hours ago and asked for my link. i told her the truth (that i didn't want my family to see this) then offered i'd make a new blog. i even edited my posts so they'd look like i wrote them yesterday.

wow, conceited much? :c lying makes me sad.

Quiapi Update

Subtitled: No, it's not a typo.

i'm too lazy to edit my cd post from yesterday so i decided to make a new one. here's an update on those discs: i went back to Quiapi (my nick for that place. doesn't conceal much, does it?) this morning. I didn't plan to but mom was going to manila hotel and it was on the way and everything. i didn't go to work. :D

i had nina live and the mp3 disc replaced. i also bought keane (because my 'hopes and fears' disc with the cool demos got lost!) and the mojofly EP. argee's right. the new mojofly CD is not coming. it's weird though how they were promoting the album on MTV if they weren't releasing it. anyways, i think this is the EP that they send to radio stations. it's got 6 tracks.

MY LAST PURCHASE (ha ha) reminds me of that time when i was still living in las pinas and i went to jaka plaza to score some pirated discs. i was supposed to buy this nine days disc but i opted to buy the pearl harbor soundtrack because it was *so rare*. when i went back for the nine days disc, it wasn't there anymore while the millions of pearl harbor soundtracks haunted me, taunting my ignorance. ha ha... i felt so annoyed. i must've gone back a trillion times but they weren't there anymore.

now that i think about it, i'm staring at the cover of the nine days disc and i guess i was mistaken as a child. this looks nothing like the disc i saw. maybe the printing was discolored but it sure looks different. maybe i was stressing all those years (yes, i was kicking myself in the head for a LONG time) for nothing. ha ha... anyways, i've got it now and i absolutely love absolutely (story of a girl) and if i am. got so many cds. i can't decide what to listen to.

roll call (in no particular order, i'm too much of an idiot to remember!)
1. Joss Stone - Mind, Body, and Soul (RG's order, can't rip it. stupid copy control! :c)
2. Hale
3. Garbage - Bleed Like Me
4. Female Collection MP3
5. Nina Live!
6. Mariah Carey - Emancipation Of Mimi Digipak Limited Edition (RG's order, ripped it :D)

*question, does digipak limited edition mean that they will release it again in a sturdier case? damn, i should've waited. i don't really need the stupid poster with the lyrics printed at the back. gimme my damn booklet! at least rg paid for it! hey, what are friends for? :D*


7. Nine Days - The Madding Crowd
8. Mojofly - Now EP
9. Keane - Hopes and Fears (my 4th copy!)
:: 1) poor quality
:: 2) no bonus tracks
:: 3) got lost
:: 4) yay!
:: 5) going for #5 (special edition although my first copy has
allamande (?))
10. American Pie Trilogy

Whoa, big spender. ha ha ha... :D

RG! if you're reading this, you can finally get your order! :D I tried to make tawad last night but he swore he'd hand it to me asap ergo, me rushing out to SM north to meet him. ha ha ha. :D

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Eric Conveys an Emotion

it's this site called Eric Convers an Emotion and it's super funny. You request an emotion and he does it. it's so f-ing funny. i've always wanted to do something like that. plus, he REALLY reminds me of my ust classmate, elmore siy.

here's my favorite one but be sure to check them all out! :D they're all so f-ing hilarious!

here's a possible, although comedic supplementary image for my vignette 'Bathroom'.

PS. I didn't hotlink them because this guy works for Yahoo! Anyways, i figured a co-techie needs some respect and I wouldn't hotlink a techie, okay?!

bleed like me

i absolutely loved beautiful garbage so i thought i wouldn't like bleed like me as much. the first few tracks are reminiscent of vintage garbage circa 90's but this track here is definitely a keeper. shirley manson (vocals) used to be a slasher so she really knows what she's saying here. it's such a shame my copy is pirated. i didn't get to see the cd-rom track and the video. but it's okay since i don't like the new single (why do you love me) that much.

anyways, back to this song i like. it's rare that i find a song that i can really relate to. this isn't just barnum effect (ha ha... finally asked argee what it was called), this shit's really mine. it's so nice that people like shirley manson and i share a slashing tendency. i really feel like she'd understand. it takes one to know one, right. it's just that everywhere i go, all these non-slashers look down on me for being weak or stupid or wasteful of life but it's like, you think it's easy to hurt myself? you think it's easy living like this? try a day, nay an hour in my life and see what it's like. hey baby, can you bleed like me?

Bleed Like Me
Garbage

avalanche is sullen and too thin
she starves herself to rid herself of sin
and the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
and she says:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me

chrissie´s all dressed up and acting coy
painted like a brand new christmas toy
he´s trying to figure out if he´s a girl or he´s a boy
he says:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me

doodle takes dad´s scissors to her skin
and when she does relief comes setting in
while she hides the scars she´s making underneath her pretty clothes
she sings:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me

therapy is speedie´s brand new drug
dancing with the devil´s past has never been too fun
it´s better off than trying to take a bullet from a gun
and she cries:
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me

jt gets all fucked up in some karaoke bar
after two drinks he´s a loser after three drinks he´s a star
getting all nostalgic as he sings ´I will survive´
hey baby can you bleed like me?
c´mon baby can you bleed like me

you should see my scars
you should see my scars
you should see my scars
you should see my scars
and try to comprehend that which you´ll never comprehend

what a shitty day

What a sucky day today is. I was all psyched up for my test in UP so I can finally transfer but when I got there, my name wasn't on the stupid list. I wanted to die right then and there of humiliation and regret, disappointment and the full range of emotions that I felt. I was speechless. I haven't been this disoriented since I got held up in Quiapo.

So you'd think I'd learn my lesson by now. I didn't want to go home. I just wanted to wander around so we went to SM North. We (Carlo and I) waited for the mall to open and I gulped down my McDonald's usual which is something I hadn't eaten in easily a year. Cheeseburger, large fries, and a huge-ass Sprite with no ice. I didn't care about calories or my body fat percentage anymore. I had to eat away my feelings.

So we sat there waiting for the mall to open and at the same time, this guy who was selling CDs for Argee. He didn't have his (RG's) order but what he did have was a shitload of CDs inside his bag. I asked him how he got those past security and he said they didn't ask. Oh well.

When the mall opened, I didn't know what to do. We wandered around aimlessly for about an hour before we crashed into Tower Records. They were playing this really cool song by Hale called Here Tonight which is really nifty. I looked around and there were all these CDs that I wanted to buy. It was obvious. We had to go back. Go back where? Quiapo!

Officially, this isn't my first time back. I went back a couple of weeks ago when I got my grades for my UP application. I bought so much stuff!

1. American Pie Trilogy – in one disc! Isn't that cool? There aren't any special features and the quality of the movie is a notch higher than VCD but hey, it's all three movies in one DVD! I watched some parts of it and I didn't know my favorite comedienne, Jennifer Coolidge was Stifler's mom. I so love her. She's so funny in Joey.

2. Garbage's Bleed Like Me – The reason why I went there. I love Garbage soooooo much. Beautiful Garbage is a complete sell-out but by far my favorite album. You can just listen to it from beginning to end and not be bored or anything. I've heard great reviews for Bleed Like Me but I'm yet to see if it's any good.

3. Nina Live! – By far the worst in quality so far. They cut out one of the tracks and my favorite song (the reason why I bought the darned album) was skippy. Anything For You is ruined, officially. I know, it's really cheesy and I'll probably kick myself in the head for liking this song (while listening to Gloria Estefan's version, of course) but I'm really disappointed that the song wasn't in tip-top shape. Maybe I should just buy an original copy. Wow, PNF the piracy advocate wants to buy a local artist. Ha ha… hey, I bought all three MYMP CDs in original format!

4. A Mix MP3 CD of female artists – which I bought because it had Under Rug Swept Japanese Version. I think Alanis has an obsession with Japan almost as much as Gwen does. She included a couple of tracks from Feast on Scraps aka Under Rug Swept deleted tracks. It won't open on this laptop though. But I was playing it on the DVD player and it was working fine. Other artists in the CD are Shakira, Vanessa Carlton, Leanne Rimes, Atomic Kitten, Macy Gray, Kylie Minogue, Toni Braxton, Christina Millian, and (surprising because he isn't female!) Jermaine Dupri.

5. Hale – I'm yet to see if it's okay. Like I said, the only songs I heard were Here Tonight and of course Broken Sonnet. Carlo was busting my cap on how I shouldn't buy pirated OPM CDs. Oh well.

This is the PNF guaranteed way of willing away your sorrow. A shopping spree in Quiapo! It worked when I had a nervous breakdown three and a half years ago and it still works now! Screw comparative lit! Maybe His will for me is to study Library Science which is my second choice, you know. Anyways, see you later!