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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

i'm so dead

omg, rory's such a slut. i mean, i love dean with all my heart but it's just that she's a total slut! anyways, jared is still a guest star so i guess he won't stick around. i always wondered if rory was a virgin. now i know she WAS.

i'm so dead. i'm winning on two jewel cds and i dont have money for both of them! i'm super dead. i mean, i'll get the money but it's such a hassle to spend all that money on shipping.

see titles below.

A list of possible entry titles:
1. Life with a lawyer. Not as fun as it sounds.
2. Celebratory Dinner Gets Cancelled pt 2 <- sounds like a hip-hop song
3. Yestin Zaki is welcomed into the Christian World! (I promise there will be pictures of him on the next post!)
4. Toby is probably mad we didn't tell him about Galleria.
5. Check out my vintage picture! I look so f-ing innocent! (Yes, the pugnosedfreakazoid was once a child, too)
6. Tom Taus: circa late eighties
Subtitled: I am the worst liar in the whole world.

Now you have to understand, a lot of details in this entry had to be edited out. When a name change occurs, it'll be denoted with a different color. Aight? Everybody neat and pretty? Then let's get on with the show!

My day started out okay. Mostly boring. Woke up and I had to ask for money from mom so that I could go to Sheila's thing. I can't believe I have a godson now. I'm a godfather. Ha ha ha... I don't look like Al Pacino, though. *sigh*

Wait, was Al Pacino in The Godfather in the first place? I'm confused.

Anyways, I got a little lost going to the church. Mark gave me these instructions that I wrote down on a sheet of paper. I am absolutely terrified of getting lost. Needless to say, I got a little lost. When the paper read "UCPB baba", I saw RCBC and yelled for the driver to stop. Realizing of course that I was an idiot, I got on the next jeep bound for sanity.

At least I made it to the ceremony. I was a bit scared of William, the baby's dad. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to talk to him or not. I'm so f-ing afraid of this post and that I'll say something that I'm not supposed to. Oh, before I forget, I have to edit last night's post, too.

The priest kept calling him "Christine" and refering to him as "her". It was annoying. When we got the souveniers, we finally understood. It said "Yestin Zaki's Christening" so maybe he just mispronounced. Hey! It was funny a while ago!

Anyways, ate like a glutton in Kamayan. Mark and our other friends enjoyed each other's company. Who knew Lea's co-workers were so much fun? I mean, I've seen them around, sure, but they were so funny. I'm not talking about tee-hee funny but this was laughing-out-loud-swaying-back-and-forth laughing. How many formal social events can you possibly say "basang basa na bibingka ko" ("my bibingka's all wet now" with matching sad face) and everyone laughs along and no one's prudish and stuff. Mark's look-alike was there, too but he was busy being quiet to join in on the fun.

I got home and fell kerplunk on my bed. I managed to get dressed a little and fell kerplunk in mom's bed this time. The TV was on as I tried to sleep. The celebratory dinner was in a couple of hours and I had some sleeping to catch up to.

I woke up at around 6. By then, my shirt was soaked through and through in the impyernoness of the room. Lollers said Argee called. We were supposed to meet up for Galleria later with Rylan, Dyep, Toby, and maybe Maui (Carlo). He wasn't sure if he could afford it. It was a spur of the moment plan that didn't work out. I promised Toby I'd have Argee text him if we were on for this afternoon. Of course, mom's words were still ringing in my head. "Don't go out today! You have to make it to the BIG CELEBRATORY DINNER!" I cancelled everything.

I called Gee up and he said Toby might be mad. Uh oh. How could I tell him that my only reason for going was to deliver Juliana's CDs. That idea was out the window so I really didn't have any other reason to go, unless the guys wanted to see a movie or eat. (But never mind food. The buffet was so... anyways, my bulimic tendencies started in that Kamayan branch.) Also, Argee was a bit wary of going because he knew my troubles and he knew about the BIG CELEBRATORY DINNER!

Back to me waking up at 6. To my absolute horror, the three maids cooked dinner and I wasn't sure what was happening. Why were they cooking? Don't tell me the BCD (I'm tired of writing it down quasi-enthusiastically) is cancelled! Aaaaaahhhh!

Apparently it wasn't and Jenny really minded. Mom brought home some food from her orientation this morning so we had a mountain of lumpia shanghai and pansit. There was also a box of divine brownies that were so yummy. They had walnuts and mushed up raisins so you don't really taste the ickiness of it all.

Jenny comes down and sees all that food. The dinner light was turned on. She gets real mad because the BCD was cancelled. To top it all off, Wicky was on her way to Greenbelt. It was a huge misunderstanding on all parties (except me, of course. That goes without saying. Ha ha ha...) Papa wasn't sure if he was supposed to cook dinner or not so he did anyway. I guess he probably wasn't sure (watch how uncertain my sentence construction is) about everything and he would rather there be too much food than none.

Jenny calls up Wicky and tells her Papa cooked dinner so the BCD was cancelled. It was such a shame since she was on her way there and everything. Mom texts Wicky that she could still swing on over since there was a shitload of food here anyways. I guess Jenny minded since that would make it seem like the BCD was here at home and she had her mind set on treating us all out. Even me.

Anyways, mom went up to try and console her but we heard screaming and doors banging so I guess that was out of the question. On the way down, Mom said Jenny was "damaged" because of all this.

I don't wanna be mean but isn't she being such a baby? I mean, it was an honest mistake and everything. I kept my mouth shut because I know what's good for me (and therefore what isn't). So there, life with a lawyer isn't as fun as it sounds.

Jenny owes me P120. Mental note. I remember she once told me that when she becomes a lawyer, she'd raise my allowance to P500/day. I wonder of that idea's out the window.

Okay, that's all for today. I have to edit my post last night for many reasons that I really don't wanna say.

Someday, when all is revealed, you'd understand why this post is so secretive. Until then, you'll have to feast on scraps. Ha ha... sounds like an Alanis B-side.

Oh gawsh, I just remembered eBay. I sure hope someone outbids me soon. I just see now that I don't have enough money! Aaaah! What an idiot. The world is falling into pieces! :(

just woke up

had ube ice cream for breakfast. eyes are a bit swollen. last night was crazy, wasn't it? i'm glad i'm feeling a little bit better now. gawsh, who knew i had so much hate in me? i mean even as i was listening to mraz to sleep, i still had hate thoughts. i hate this for this. i hate that for that. this morning, i was too tired to see where jenny and i lie. i shall reside in my own world today, kinda like when mariah went cuckoo and wouldn't show her piano to mtv cribs. i'll be aloof.

the thing, the err... the thing that i have to go to is at 11 and i'm still unbathed and silently wallowing. pepper is listening to my noisy holly valance cd.

currently listening to: a noisy holly valance cd
current mood: wallowy and depressed
currently reading: other people's blogs
current events: hahaha

watch argee try to console me after my last post

EDITED VERSION (2x). TOO MUCH ON THE LINE.

subtitled: i hate...
edited subtitle: happy now, argee? just kidding. :D


me: gusto ko na mamatay talaga
me: im so fucking low
me: i hate my life
me: i hate being in a melodramatic home
me: i hate talking on the pc
me: i hate sleeping on a sofa bed
me: i hate it that you're probably not even getting to read this
me: i hate that i feel no one loves me
me: i hate that i have to dress up for tomorrow
me: i hate that i'm so melodramatic
me: i hate that i got that from home
me: i hate how everyone here is so goddamn bitchy
me: i hate how my faith is so weak
me: i hate that the kittens are probably going to die
me: i hate that the world is probably ending before our very eyes
me: i hate that i'm afraid for my salvation
me: i hate that this bitch just outbidded me on a carole king cd
me: i hate that i can't outbid her because i dont have a credit card
me: i hate that i'm rambling on and on on deaf ears
me: i hate how i'm forced to like _____ because he's my _________
me: i hate how i'm being sooooo honest
me: i hate how you'll probably kill me for flooding your pc
me: i hate that i know you aren't there because doodle isn't loading
me: i hate that i'm tired
me: i hate that i'm sleepy
me: i hate how _______'s fighting us on his blog
me: i hate people with bad grammar
me: i hate not having any money
me: i hate being the only person in the whole world without a cellphone
me: i hate that i can't even order pizza without screwing up
me: i hate that i dont understand why all this is my fault
me: i hate that i have writer's block
me: i hate that i can't do what i want
me: i hate that i can't really make a new website because the server i like is closed till may
me: i hate that my blog is all i have
me: i hate that my sister's picture is still there
me: i hate how my yahoo avatar is looking at me
me: i hate how i made him look like what i want to look like
me: i hate how he doesn't look like me
me: i hate how my body looks like when i'm naked
BUZZ!!!
argee: okay lang yan
me: i hate the fact that it's so hot
me: i hate everything
argee: think positive kasi
me: i hate how i can't meet up with you tomorrow for political reasons
me: i hate ______
me: i hate tj because he was an asshole to francis
me: i hate abs-cbn for sticking his face on the fucking telly
me: i hate yellow cab visayas branch because this wouldn't be happening if they didn't fuck up
me: i hate motorcycle riders with no change for P500
me: i hate that you're here now and i'm still hating stuff
me: i hate that doodle just loaded so i know you're there
me: i hate how a lot of my cds are lost forever
me: i hate it that my liz phair cd won't play because it's all scratchy
me: i hate that i obsess a lot
me: i hate that i'm not over past lovers
me: i hate that no one will ever understand me for me
me: i hate that no one will ever know me completely
me: i hate that no one loves me
me: i hate how i lost my innocence like i lost my weight
me: i hate local mustard because it's got calories
me: i hate ketchup because it's pathetic
me: i hate cigarettes because they're addictive
me: i hate insensitive people who think people smoke because they wanna be cool
me: i hate doodle and how it's supposed to be fun but it's just glorified paint
me: i hate that you're gone again
argee: sorry
me: i hate that you aren't really
argee: pumapalya na pc ko
me: i hate that i have to think of people when i hate. if you don't understand why i'm editing, check this line.
me: i hate the world and everything in it
argee: anyway, dapat mga "i love..."
me: i hate that i can't just die because of eternal repercusions
me: i hate that i love nothing, love no one
me: i hate that i can't sing
me: i hate that i'm not acceptable enough to get my face slapped on tc
me: i hate that i just spelled tv with a c
me: i hate that through it all, i'm just like ______ and that's probably why i hate him so much
me: i hate that i'm thinking of blogging this
me: i hate that i'm an extremist and an exhibitionist by heart
me: i hate that i'm jaded and can't think positively
me: i hate calories
argee: ano ba?>???
me: i hate the fact that people can't just eat when they're hungry
argee: nagpapaka_____ ka na yata e
me: i hate that kitchie nadal is on tv for a stupid cologne ad
argee: nakakairita na
me: i hate that people get irritated by my word vomit
me: i hate myself because i can't stop
me: i hate myself because i won't stop
me: i hate myself because i don't wanna stop
argee: dang it
me: i hate myself because i know i'm irritating you
me: i hate myself because i don't amount to anything
me: i hate that i'm a self-consious pathetic self-depricating prick
me: i hate that i find humor in my anguish
argee: pumapalya na nga pc namin dito gaganyan-ganyan ka pa
argee: ano ba????
argee: heller
me: i hate that i'm wearing my sister's shirt
argee: marami kang things to be thankful for
me: i hate that i can't even be thankful for the things that i have
me: i hate that my brain is just under so much damn stress that i can't be happy
me: i hate that my family is making me miserable
me: i hate that i cant go out because i'm flat broke
me: i hate that all my money is in debts
me: i hate how i'm spending money over an internet connection to tell you all that i hate
me: i hate that you'll probably see this in my blog
me: i hate how carlo and francis never stood up for me when richard and jason fought me
me: i hate how david gave up on our friendship
me: i hate that david and francis are friends
me: i hate how ymon's hair stands up in the morning
me: i hate zoe's morning breath
me: i hate that she left me for cebu
me: i hate that she's probably having the best ___ in her life and i couldn't give her that
me: i hate that the world is ending
me: i hate that i said that
me: i hate that i'm a liar
me: i hate that i'm not changing for the better
me: i hate that i know you arent there again
me: i hate wondering if you're getting to read all this
me: i hate the fact that the whole world seems to be fine but i'm not
me: i hate that the whole world seems to be happy and i'm not
me: i hate that jewel's site charges admission
me: i hate that i can't have jason mraz's life
me: i hate that i can't have jason mraz's wit
me: i hate that i can't have jason mraz's voice
me: i hate that i can't have jason mraz's lyrical prowess
me: i hate the fact that no matter how hard i try, my poems will always suck
me: i hate that no one reads my blog
me: i hate that i'm all alone in a world full of strangers
me: i hate the world because nobody loves me
me: i hate myself for not loving God enough
argee: ewan ko na
me: i hate William *edited* for knocking her up
me: i hate that i have to dress up tomorrow and pretend im okay
argee: hindi ko na alam
me: i hate that people expect me to be happy
me: i hate that you're here now and i'm afraid
me: i hate being afraid
argee: sigh
me: i hate not knowing what will happen to me
me: i hate that i can't stop
me: i hate that i won't stop
me: i hate that you're just sitting there reading and not knowing what to do with me
me: i hate that no one can fix me because i am broken
argee: stop
argee: stop
argee: stop
me: i hate that i am broken beyond repair
me: i hate that i can't stop
me: i hate that i won't stop
me: i hate that i don't wanna stop
me: i hate that i will because i don't wanna hurt you
argee: oi., seryoso na 'to
me: i hate that i love you guys so much
me: i hate that i love you more than my family
argee: basta ____________________________________________
me: i hate my family
argee: nawawarla na talaga pc dito
me: i hate that i'm stopping
me: i'm stopping now
me: you can go now if u want
argee: dicon na nang discon
me: okay
argee: hello?
me: yeh
me: i'm here
argee has selected the "Doodle" IMVironment.

argee: basta, huwag kang masyadong magpakanega
argee: paano ka makahahanap ng maganda kung puro pangit ang iniisip mo
me: argee... im so lonely
me: i wanna die
me: why can't i be like other guys?
me: why can't i be _________ for once
argee: wag na nga kasi
me: i mean it's not like i'm not trying
argee: nasa sa iyo lang naman yan e
me: i've been busting my ass off trying to change
me: why can't people just be who they want to be
argee: ganyan talaga ang buhay
argee: may challenges din naman ang ibang tao
me: oo nga
argee: pwede naman e
argee: choices lang yan
me: pero di ko naman kailangan harapin ung mga challenges nila
me: parang naooverwhelm lang ako
me: ung feeling na andami mong food sa plate
me: ayoko napilitin ang mga taong gustuhin ako
me: e ano ngaun kung masama ugali ko?
me: ano ngaun kung never ako magfifit in sa mga sosyalan
me: ano ngaun kung pangit ako manamit
me: at barok ako magsalita
me: ayoko na
me: masyadong maraming effort napupunta sa pagbabago ng sarili.
argee has selected the "Doodle" IMVironment.

argee: may mga bagay ka na nga na dapat mong ikasaya
me: alam ko naman un eh
me: kaya nga i feel terrible for being such an ingrate
ngokngok12 has unloaded the IMVironment.
argee: alam mo naman
me: ewan ko kung bakit ako nagkakaganto
me: maybe i'm just an idiot
argee: walang absoulute purpose ang life
argee: kaya ikaw na mismo ang magbibigay ng meaning dito
me: ewan ko kung ano nangyayari sakin
me: nagkakapanic attack na ata ako eh
me: masakit mga joints ko
me: ewan
me: baka psychosomatic lang to
argee: dang it
me: ako ang pinakamalaking hypochondriac
me: kailangan mo na matulog
BUZZ!!!
me: im here
argee: sasabog na yata tong pc na to...arrrrggggghhhhhh
me: hehehe oks lang naman ako eh
me: im too much of a chickenshit to kill myself
me: but wallowing is an expertise
argee: nasaan ka na??? magpapaalam na ako...__________________________________...be thankful sa lahat ng meron ka, wag sa mafrustrate sa mga wala...
me: okay
me: thanks
me: i'll try to be happy
me: maybe i'mjust in dire need of attention
me: hahaha
me: never mind
me: bye
argee: dang.
argee: dang.
argee: babye
argee: wala na akong natatanggap
me: bye
me: lalagay ko sa blog ko
me: hahaha
argee: qpids, may 9, sa primetime bida, abs-cbn 2, iba ka-summer ang kapamilya
me: hehehe
me: go argee
argee:
me: way to make me feel better
me: ayoko na maging malungkot!


somebody please get here quick and help me.

Friday, April 29, 2005

what a sucky night

subtitled: to think i promised myself i would stop at blog post#5.

i hate my life. aaargh! what a night. i was just talking to argee on the phone when i remembered i had to call juliana so she can get her cds and i can get my money from her. i was supposed to do all that tomorrow. s/he couldn't make it tomorrow, i found out after i called her/him and i couldn't put the phone down because s/he was so talkative. anyways, the pizza we ordered finally came but that fucking branch in visayas (don't ever order there) was so incompetent that they totally messed up our order. i couldn't put the phone down because juliana was still there and i didn't want to lose another customer so i just had the maid deal with it.

now jenny's mad at me because "i didn't handle things". what a bummer. she ate the corona chicken salsa (that we both agreed to eat the minute she got out of the hospital) without me. when i told her norah jones's concert was on tv, she just looked at me nastily. i asked if she was mad at me. she didn't respond. pepper just arrived at that point and she made such a huge show of saying "you're just in time for pizza!!!" in a pathetically fake happy voice. this is the same sister who she totally slammed a couple of days ago for losing her ID in the hospital (while she was running a personal favor for JENNY). this is so unfair. i mean, i'm not even hungry but to be deprived of food for some crime that just seems so pathetic. why is she even mad? aaaaargh! it's not the pizza i mind about. it's that she's mad at me. the celebratory dinner is tomorrow. how can i go if she's mad at me?!?!

i can't even go to galleria tomorrow because i have to stand by for jenny's BIG CELEBRATORY DINNER. just because i lost my phone and can't meet up. plus it'll look bad if i don't ride with them. it'll look like i just forced myself or something.

i wanna delete her picture from my blog layout but the task is so tedious... i forgot to save the original file in photoshop so i'd have to redo it all over again (wait that was redundant.) yes, that girl is my sister.

AAAAAAAAAARGH! Somebody hit me in the head with a cleaver now! NOW!

on a lighter note, my batchmate TJ is, apparently, a TV star now in this totally gay show called "Qpids". the same TJ who totally acted like a jerk in high school is now a goody two shoed prince charming. hahaha goes to show how fake tv is. i mean the guy was an asshole, at least i remembered him to be. i mean there weren't a lot of people who were nice to me in high school. hahaha a fucking tv star. good luck man.

i know this isn't blogger's idea but i wanted to do so anyway:

current mood: confused and angry
currently listening to: norah jones over the telly
currently reading: talking tough by carol lee

here goes post#5 for today

i'm so friggin pissed. i just totally dolled up today because we were supposed to have a "fancy" dinner out in honor of jenny's lawyer-hood. i dressed up at around 4-ish since lollers said it was an early dinner but then it got cancelled. aargh, to think i skipped jogging and all forms of exercise today. i did a couple sit-ups but they weren't as fun as when i actually had all that fat to burn. now i'm just sitting here in front of the computer totally pissed off.

talking to marianne online and i finally told her i feel nothing for her. after a deep realization of who i really love, i made a mental note to tell her. now it's all out in the open. no more awkwardness and shit. here it is verbatim:

her: hehe
me: uy may sasabihin ako sau
me: pero wag ka magagalit/maasar/maiinis
me: promise ha
her: anu?
her: okie
her: promise ka muna
her: hehe
her: promiz
her:
me: hehehe alam mo napagisip isip ako at narealize ko na di na kita mahal
me: hahaha
me: ngaun lang ang tagal ko mag getover ng tao no?
her: hehehe
her: nice

____________________

gee, nice. i wonder how i ought to react. hahaha :D

summer upsides

you know the feeling of freshly ironed clothes? i mean, when you pick out an outfit fresh from the laundry and it's all wrinkly and you have your maid iron it out, isn't it great when you finally put on that shirt or those hip-hugging jeans and just feel the warmth emanating from the fabric? well, imagine that for at least 12 hours a day. your sheets, the sofa, the curtains, touch them and they all feel like they've been freshly ironed. wow. summer is SOOOOO cool.

post script. it's a shame sarcasm doesn't show evidently online. i hope y'all got what i was saying. :D

anyways, we're going out to dinner in a while. jenny took her oath today as a bonafide lawyer. you know what's weird. people who pronounce bonafide as bonafaydee... hmmm...

here's a cool game we can all play. post a comment to this post on other summer upsides y'all can think of. it can be sarcastic, stupid, whatever just think of something that summer is good for. :D

xoxox
nyl

PS. didj'all know this is my FOURTH post today? goes to show how much i love you guys! assuming people read this post.

PPS. to HER who i know frequents my blog on saturdays.. :D check out the one i wrote yesterday. the jason mraz song. :D *ahem ahem*

PPS. doesn't PS mean post script? why do i have postscript above and three below? crazy...

She's Gone!!!

Subtitled: Desen't she totally look like KC Concepcion?

She's gone! My little Stephenie LaGrossa (not kidding, that's her real name. must've been an awful childhood) is GONE!!! Oh gawsh, she finally hit it. :( I hate Kuror now. Go and be a happy family nd whatnot. Aaaargh!

Caryn and Katie are such bitches. They should've voted Tom out. I will be REALLY upset if Tom wins. He's too STRONG both physically and mentally and by the time these bozos figure it out, it'll be too late. Wham bam, here's a gazillion dollars in cold hard cash and commercial endorsements!

Aaargh! I wanted so much for Steph here to win. I mean, isn't it obvious that she's sole survivor material? I mean for Pete's sake! How many times have you seen a tribe trickle down to 1 member. ONE! and those stupid Kuror a-holes had to give her the boot. What a sad day it is. (Ewww... someone sounds like a fan.)

I really hate Katie so much. I mean, the fact that she was picking on bulimic Janu and stuff (check out this cool article about her here). It was just, so mean. Hahaha, can relate ba? She's such a skeez. Can somebody tell her that she's NOT funny so that we can just get this over with! I loved it when Janu said she's "little ms. saturday night live". yeah, maybe in the early nineties when it wasn't funny.

Okay, this is turning into an obsession. It's kind of like the time I was addicted to soaps. Sunset Beach, anyone? Anyways, she was bound to leave some time. I'm just kinda glad she was all poised and happy about it. :D


One last hope, though. I really hope Ian wins. IAN! GO IAN! Hahaha... he needs money to cure cancer and save dolphins and all that shit. You should totally not mind this picture. He looks so f-ing faggy here. He actually looks like a really thin and (according to Probst) smelly quasi-Robert Downey Jr.




PS. I totally hotlinked these photos. I hope the owners don't mind! Sorry! :D I linked these pictures back to your site though. Thanks a bunch! :D

addicted

it's official. i am addicted to the internet.

it's crazy. one minute i was a normal person. breathing, sleeping, eating, BATHING

now all i wanna do is go online. i blog several times a day. i download songs like crazy. my hard drive is killing me. my hands are burnt because this laptop gets hot like crazy. my blog is so pretty because i spent extra time on it. my email inbox is always 0 because i check it every ten minutes. whatever happened to the times when i'd check and there'd be like a gazzilion messages inside?

and no one's ever online.

i mean people are but they're always on sms like sms was a drug or something. i mean isn't that crazy? 'i'm on sms'. hahahaha

the people who ARE online though are either too busy or to boring to talk to. save for a few people who rock of course.

i'm the last bulletin poster in friendster and to think i posted two bulletins with like five hours interval. hahaha

i've read jason mraz's blog, carlo's blog, and checked the friendster account of everyone i know.

oh crap, not another addiction to feed. :(

PS (to roehl) i've been looking around friendster bulletins. hahaha congratulations on EIC-ship. hahaha make sure you have fun in what you're doing. if you play your cards right, you could walk away with more than just fellow writers. look at our tanglaw batch. save for a few people, we're literally bonded for life and i hope your batch gets the same opportunity. :D ugh, cheese alert. can somebody hit me in the head with a cleaver now?

fakers unite

everyday we make decisions.
am i going to chomp down this burger even though i'm stuffed?
am i going to puke it all down anyway the next oppurtunity i get the chance to?
do i stay here or whack off?
do i check my friendster account or look at dirty pictures?
am i contented with my life or do i make someone up over the internet?
what decisions did you make today?

Thursday, April 28, 2005

My latest favorite song.

I've got a new favorite song (as this blog post title presents) and it totally hits close to home. I wonder if she even knows. What's funny is I downloaded it eons ago and I didn't even listen to it until a couple of days ago. It sounds so nice. I hope y'all can get a copy of it and listen to how nice he sang this song. His voice matches my mood, kinda melancholic (even though i hate that word).




Bright Eyes

Jason Mraz

Bright lights, big city
Was quite extraordinary.
The drive was pretty.
I was in perfect company.
The love of a lifetime,
Since we were elementary friends
The one with the bright eyes...

Why can't I be optimistic?
I tried to find the logic logically.
I had a dream and I could not shake it.
I was standing up there naked.

There's fear in the truth at hand,
frozen I forgot to understand
The live keep living; growing older more into a man...
And I let her grow away from me.

Love... love is not pretending.
Time... time was meant for mending
Memories into all is satisfactory,
Healthy smiles fill the page the day we spent in miles.
And I let her drive away from me.

The one with the bright eyes
Laughed her way inside this music box;
Stored away in the corner of my heart.
And I let her get away from me.
But I'll never take that day away from me.

welcome to pugnosedbabblefest

i <3 my new blog layout!
i do!
I DO!!!
won't you say you <3 my new blog layout, too? :D

be sure to read my last post!
it's the one i spent the most time with! :D

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

This is the first time! Ha ha ha!

Note: If you hate nitpicking or if you think I ruin movies, don't read! Go HERE instead and read about bookstores! (I'm advertising!)

Ha ha... As I was blogging around, I realized everyone's been reviewing the movies they've seen recently. I saw two movies today and I guess I'm feeling a bit... let's just say I'm still reeling from the two movies and the laughter and everything that I miss about my HS friends.

I'm going to post a picture when the movie review starts (I'm going to tell you about the things we did pre and post movie first) so if you're not interested with the boring details of my day, y'all can feel free to @#$% (just kidding!) scroll down and stuff.

Argee picked us (Carlo and I) up from the KFC near my house. I didn't feel like commuting to Galleria (since that entails crossing EDSA and stuff) so I totally smooched on him last night into taking his car. To our collective disappointment (mostly mine though), they didn't have the movie *ahem* that I REALLY wanted to see. We had to walk all the way to Megamall just to see "it".

No, "it" is not a clown. Ha ha ha!

We looked around Tower for a bit, mostly because we passed through to get inside. The nice part about being in Megamall: at least we got to eat in El Pollo Loco (The Crazy Chicken)! Yum!

FINAL WARNING: Y'all can think what you want. I'm standing by every word of this post. And the movie is... drum roll please! CAN THIS BE LOVE!!! Ha ha ha! I'm not kidding! The following is a Can This Be Love movie review. Oopsies, I shouldn't forget the last character of the movie's title: Ü

INSERT PICTURE. The movie starts off a bit slowly. Sound quality was a bit sharp around the S's and T's. Picture quality was typical for a Filipino movie.

Music scoring was a mess. In a scene, the music starts to swell then ends quickly as the scene segues. New music comes in and I'm like "okay now". They played "In or Out" so that was a bit crazy. Sarah Geronimo has been my last song syndrome all day. They played Kitchie Nadal and MYMP too.

Voice dubbing was crazy. They probably figured no one would notice but I did. Sometimes when Ryan's (Hero Angeles) back is facing the camera, you can see his lips are protruding when he's supposed to be not talking. There was one scene where Daisy's (Sandara Park) saying something but her lips were moving to different words. Enough with the technical aspects!

Setting's a bit messy in certain parts. Mostly though, it was shot in Recto. Hero Angeles plays Ryan Palisoc, a nursing student from Arellano University. Y'all are probably asking why I know this. Argee was asking what school Ryan goes to so in one scene, I strained to check his nursing ID. Sandara Park plays Hea (not sure about that name) but her English name was Daisy. There are so many confusing plots like nationalism and racism, love and hate but the basic plot running was love between two nations.

The movie is basically one major flashback. Daisy is reminiscing her time spent with Ryan as she was going through a box of memorabilia's (tickets, greeting cards, flowers, that kind of sh*t) as each scene came to life.

Ryan works part time as a term paper typist and he is tasked to type a paper written illegibly and with, apparently, poor grammar (although I doubt he would've figured the difference seeing as he's... ahem...) and aside from that, it was about the bad aspects of being a Filipino. The paper was under a Korean name (y'all can probably see where this is going) so it ticked him off to see a foreigner insulting the very blood that runs through his veins.

On the other side of the story, Daisy just got a new cellphone from her ridiculously rich father so she has to sell her old phone. Ryan's phone, a beat up 3210 held together by strips of tape, is in dire need of replacement. He texts her and they arrange that Daisy will put the sale on hold for one week, until Ryan can come up with the money.

Providing another angle, albeit cliché, three (air-quotes) "popular" girls like calling Daisy ugly in public. Their leader looks like Kitchie Nadal, incidentally. What's funny is they seem like (that is, their character would be) the type who would park their fat asses in Starbucks for three hours but instead they hang out in food courts. They seem like the type who would only hang out in Makati or Eastwood like the other pretentious shmucks of our generation but like Daisy, they roam the streets of Recto. They walk, too, unafraid of being held up at gun point and stuff. But enough about them.

When Ryan finally gives the term paper he typed and edited, Daisy is furious. He changed the details like when she said "Filipinos like to sing. Even when they have something to do, they still sing" he typed "Filipinos are fun loving and love music". I'd be furious, too.

You’d expect Ryan to be such a nationalistic prick like the scholar he is. He defends the Philippines like the Koreans are about to invade us. But then he reveals that while his "diploma is hot", he plans on migrating to the US. Huh. That's... strange. Inconsistent.

Anyways, the scene where he finally realizes that the girl with the phone and the girl with the term paper are one and the same is actually funny. He argues with Daisy until she is teary-eyed and Ryan's boss has to give her a discount. Blah blah. He refuses to retype in time for Daisy's deadline because he has to meet her about the phone. By then, they've become pretty close. When Daisy got robbed early in the story, she sends a sad text to Ryan (accidentally, of course). They start texting endlessly.

Back to the story. He calls her up and then Daisy's phone rings. Surprise surprise, they're standing in the same place. She gives him the phone. He gives her the money and they vow never to see each other again.

But they do and they fall in love. Yeah yeah. Blah Blah. (Bitter?)

Daisy meets his (Ryan's) relatives (featuring a pathetic Pia Moran trying hard to speak English. She's supposed to be from London) and they all have jobs abroad. When it comes to the time when Ryan meets Daisy's uncle, things don't go as smoothly. He gets food poorly with his chopsticks and complains about how spicy the kimchi is. Duh.

He's a poor scholar from Pangasinan. He studies in an averagely priced school and as a scholar (duh) he's not paying tuition. He earns below minimum wage via a typing job AND he just shelled out P5000 for a phone. But they still eat in Figaro and watch movies in Ayala. He insists on paying for food, probably irked by his dorm mates who think Koreans are some kind of money pot. I've known a few Koreans in my lifetime and they aren't anything if they aren't frugal. Anyways, they (Ryan and Daisy) fight over the most mundane things like who pays for what and stuff. Ryan explains that a guy has to pay for dates. Daisy says friends don't count money. Ouch. What a sad and not to mention painful way of finding out you're not dating. Show Biz answer? We're just friends! :D

Arron (apparently, that's how it's spelled) from SCQ II plays a minor role as Eugene Domingo's (who happens to be a girl!) nephew awaiting a petition from the States. When he says he doesn't want to go to the States, she asks why then is he so obsessed with hip-hop. Uh oh. Big mistake. First of all, he was wearing a beaded necklace with wooden doobie in the middle. Baker alert. I'm not sure if he was wearing Baller Bands but nothing about him seemed hip-hop(py). I mean, have y'all seen this chap? He looks like he couldn't hurt a fly! Sorry Eugene but his accessories and his exterior say otherwise.

Eugene Domingo is a Filipino History professor but her movie wardrobe consists of one duster after another. She's there in the morning, afternoon, and evening. What kind of professor is that? Call me crazy but aren't professors supposed to be in school? She's currently employed, as revealed by one conversation with Ryan. The world happens to be stuck on a Saturday (although Ryan had night classes).

Roxanne Guinoo was superb in her small role. Their (Joross and her) story is so boring and cliché that I really don't wanna go into detail. But basically, she ate and ate and ate. Streetfood, carinderia, banana cue, beer, name it. Joross and Roxanne ate it. Ha ha... I nearly puked. I was already stuffed. I remember even telling Argee there had better not be food in that movie or I'd really be all barfy and stuff.

Some highlights: The infamous trailer scenes are hilarious. I must've watched those a gazillion times but they still made me smile. The editing in one scene where she's dancing and he's watching a couple dancing in the streets is epic-esque.

Some downsides, money has made both Hero Angeles and Joross Gamboa fat. Awww... says the boy rumored to have bulimia! Hero gains weight, eliminating the need to layer five articles of clothing (he's down to two now) and Joross' nipples stick out like crazy. His backside bulges too. What a letdown from a self-proclaimed abs guy.

The ending, oops, I spoke too soon. Daisy's father forces her to break up with Ryan and go home to Korea. She tells him and he totally explodes and pushes her away saying GOODBYE at record-breaking persistence. In one scene, she managed to say "SLOWLY" and "YOU'RE HURTING ME!!!" in two languages and no one thought it sexual, until now of course. Ha ha...

Anyways, she stays to finish the semester. I guess now that she's broken up with him, going home doesn't seem as urgent. Ryan doesn't know this of course. It was Roxanne and Joross who spotted her at the mall. After a scene with a teary-eyed Tirso Cruz III involving alcohol (disappointed, I thought they were going to a strip joint after he asked them how old the kids were), Ryan decides he must at least say goodbye.

What's funny is that it is assumed that Daisy went against her father by staying in the Philos and in effect, she's fighting for her love but when you think about it, she just wanted to learn English and finish the semester. You don't believe me? She said so herself while she was crying in Eugene's counsel. She wasn't fighting. She just didn't want to waste her time and money on a half-baked education!

Ryan, also crying over lost love, chooses to do so in a spot where EVERYONE in his dorm can see: the front steps. VERY MANLY AND LEADING-MAN LIKE! (I can just hear Argee scolding me for being so closed minded and stereotypical). Movies are the playground of stereotypes!

He meets her before she goes to the airport and in a scene as cheesy as hell, they manage to part ways without saying goodbye but at least they get to say 'I love you' in two languages! Ha ha... As I was saying "at least they don't have a cheesy, sugary, everything-magically-falls-into-place ending but then I spoke too soon. The last scene where there were actually people, she was (but not really) saying goodbye. Then, a montage of pictures via a scrapbook reveals that Ryan went to Korea to join her when his "diploma was still hot". (The pictures were obviously recycled from their SCQ shoot.) They get married in 2009. Wait a second, what happened to Daisy's uptight relatives?!? The ones who disapprove of their love?! Aaaargh! SUGARY!!!

I was surprised to see many careers desperately being revived. Pia Moran was there. So was Dennis Padilla. That fat chick from Berks (who goes to my college and is the best friend of my HS batchmate) was there. So was Ketchup and this guy who's so forgettable, I just did. He played one of the kids in Tanging Ina. I totally forgot his name. The one with the trick or treat/retreat. Aargh!

Believe it or not, I enjoyed the movie. I expected a bit too much but I wasn't disappointed nor am I regretting spending P82 on it. Six (of ten) buckets of popcorn for this one.

After the movie, I was a bit irked when Maui said I was acting like his dad, being all nitpicky and how I "ruined the movie" for everyone else. I slowly warmed up to him after that although I was a bit harsh over coffee.

We were supposed to meet up with Francis but he had class until 7 so we had coffee in Gloria Jean's (or rather Argee had coffee. I had the most sour, overpriced mango shake ever), talked about Carlo's vanity and then we decided to watch The Interpreter. I liked it. It's the kind of movie that makes you think and keeps you guessing till the end. It wasn't predictable all though I did have the impression that the ending was going to happen. When you watch it, watch out for Nicole Kidman's hair. It's supposed to be messy but the degrees of messiness change within seconds. Ha ha...

No detailed review for The Interpreter. Argee bought my ticket so I don't want to be an ingrate. There wasn't much to nitpick anyways.

We met up with Francis and ate dinner in KFC then Argee had coffee in Figaro. We all bought these mutated Powerpuff Girls button pins that we were eyeing last time (when they watched Sahara). I was a bit disappointed though when Carlo refused to put it on... :( Anyways, we all laughed like crazy people. The prudish guard from (I forget what that area in Galleria is called. The overpriced tiangges) that place was eyeing us in a bad way. It still didn't stop us from howling like wolves, doing parodies of Destiny's Child and basically acting like we were high on drugs. *we weren't... for the record*

I decided today not to say anything if it's nasty or tactless. Ha ha... good luck! I will be mysterious! Ha ha ha... I can't imagine! Argee was real honest that I can get out of hand at times. Sometimes, even I feel that. It's kind of like word vomit (Mean Girls reference) and I can't really help it. I need to keep my mouth shut.

Argee brought us home and we're going to UP tomorrow. Anyways, I'm a bit tired. I've been babbling for four pages now. Let's save some space for tomorrow! :D


Tuesday, April 26, 2005

my tendency to run away feels unnatural now

NOTE: I wrote this post this morning... that explains why my last post was a tad happier... i'm not some sort of schizo or anything... hahaha

My mother must've been Jewish in a previous life. I mean, it's the only possible explanation to how expertly she uses guilt as ammunition. Here's how a typical fight runs its course in the Lim household:

MOM: Money Money Money Blah Blah Blah
NOT MOM: No Money Blah Blah Blah
MOM: You take advantage of my money! Blah Blah Matching Tears
NOT MOM: No Money Blah Blah Blah Matching Blah Blah Tears
MOM (Under her breath): One day, I'm gonna leave you all for good. See where you'll find yourself. I'll just pack my bags and leave and you'll feel so sorry you treated me like shit.

And what's funny is I actually wrote a story like that and whilst I'm typing this now, I realized my mother was the real heroine in that short piece of literature I wrote last year. Let me get to my point.

When things got rocky in our high school paper (This guy was picking on my "third-grade" poems), my first tendency was to quit. When my friends in college all became weird (or was it I who was weird), I ran to our college paper for refuge. When I realized our EIC was an idiot and that work was impossible (I felt like Dilbert), I wanted to run away. I quit and lost so many friends.

In the process of all this, I realized one thing after witnessing yet another Lim fight (this one takes place in a Makati Med Lobby): I took after my mother's tendency to bail out on situations that are… err… less than desirable.

There aren't a lot I take after my mother: my course hair, my pug nose, and well… that's all I can really think of right now. But if all the irk-y qualities that I inherited from her, I had to get this?!?

There's an Alanis song called That Particular Time that goes "My tried and true way to deal was to vanish" and I guess I share that with her. And now… they say that your vision when you look back on things is always 20/20. What did I gain from all that? I lost so many friends and opportunities to grow as a person, as a writer, as a friend. Who knows what kind of person I could be right now if only I didn't bail out that time or the time before that? Ugh, cheese alert.

I guess I'm writing, quite terribly, that I learned a lesson today. My tendency to run away comes from my mother. Now if only my self psychosis can find a way to correct this…

I got all that i wished for...

You know what's weird? all the cds i wrote down in this old blog post, i eventually got the chance to own. hahaha... the power of wishful thinking...

it's irrational for one person to be this excited.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004

CD wish list for (ahem ahem) christmas: obviously, that plus the new vanessa carlton album. i also want the jewel christmas disc i've been looking for so long! plus liz phair and the new gwen disc. aaargh! so much cds so little money!

im going to robinson's tomorrow... im watching this movie that i wont post here because y'all might think i'm some kind of freak. hahaha...

im happy now, i was a bit sad when i wrote "2105"... aside from family quarrels, im doing better. :D

QuizFarm.com :: Are you Bisexual, Straight, gay/lesbian?

THIS IS SO WEIRD....

You scored as Lesbian.

Lesbian


70%

Straight


60%

Bisexual


45%

Gay


45%

Are you Bisexual, Straight, gay/lesbian?
created with QuizFarm.com

Monday, April 25, 2005

Friendster - Affiliate Program

2105

EDITED VERSION

her name was ____ but i didn't hear her right the first time we met. that was at a swimming pool in wicky's condo. her friends called her jo but i called her zoe. she said she was 19, she turned out to be 24. she used to live on the 21st floor.

since then, i've called her blondie when she bleached her head and elevator girl after an *ahem* incident. i've called her my favorite mistake and the person who broke me, my sister from long ago, my best friend, the person who stole my youth.

she moved far far away and i never saw her again. never. not even one last time.

now they've moved beside her old apartment. my heart aches when i remember all the things that transpired inside that small room with a fantastic view. i sit here recalling those moments when i was outside myself, playing with my emotions, not knowing i could get hurt. i stood in front of the doorway wondering who lives there now. will our memories remain in those four walls? has she forgotten about me?

Friday, April 15, 2005

i'm sick!

i'm sick! i just came from the hospital. it all started with a headache then fever and before i could even get over things, the doctor tells me my urinary tract's infected. gross!

to make things worse, ive got no appetite and i have to force feed myself just so i can take antibiotics. i wanted garden fresh pizza but my mom ordered new york's finest. it's so salty...

thanks kuya monts, kuya jevy, and shobepotter for sending me messages regarding my *ahem ahem* last blog post.

nyl
xoxox

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

my third life is here.

I've often said that this is my second life. I nearly died several times, usually in scenarios regarding bodies of water and how my body is mysteriously quasi-buoyant. I emerged from the seven foot swimming pool via the strong arms of my Legolas look-alike female classmate and said my first words in my second life: P*TANG INA MO!!!

Now, I can honestly say this is my third life. My second life died today on board a jeep from Quiapo. It was a weird series of events that in one way or another led to my near death.

I went to UP today to see what courses I can apply for. Afterwards, we went to Trinity where Carlo, my friend, studies. He went with me because he too was interested in greener shores. In this case, they were maroon.

Afterwards, we went to UST only to find out that they don't sign temporary copies of grades anymore and that I was going to have to go back in a few days. But enough with that. I really don't want to bore you with the details of my life. Let's get to the juicy parts.

I was with Carlo and we had to go to Quiapo because there weren't any rideable rides to go home. We stopped to get a couple of DVDs. I bought In Good Company, and two Cannes movies: Clean and Nobody Knows. I was really excited to go home and watch them.

It was about five-ish. The sky was a bit dark and we couldn't find a ride home yet again. I had fifteen pesos in my pocket and about 1,300 in my wallet. It takes twenty pesos to ride an FX to City Hall. About ten pesos will do the same on a jeep. I didn't want to break a hundred pesos because they start to vanish after that. I decided to ride a jeep instead. I found a jeep with about one person inside. I thanked my lucky stars and got in.

So here's how we were seated. The guy was in the extreme left of the jeep and was smoking a cigarette. Carlo sat on the extreme right. I sat beside him. In a few moments, two seedy looking guys boarded the jeep.

"Why are you smoking here?" asked the first guy. "Don't you know that's illegal?"

I looked at the first guy thinking he must be out of his mind. His next statements proved my theory.

"You want me to shoot you, huh?" he said in a manner only Sassy Girl could outdo. The guy apologized and threw his cigarette. "You wanna see my gun?" he asked. I sat nervously in my seat.

"You" he called me. "Give me your cellphone." My clammy hands shook as I reached deep down in my pockets. "You want me to shoot you?" he asked.

"Can I at least get my SIMs?" I asked, referring to my dual SIM attachment (Globe and Sun).

He mumbled incoherently, turning down my request. My hands shook as I handed him my blue 3315. I know what you’re thinking. All this trouble for a 3315? Well, yeah considering I'm not really in a financial position to be losing and switching phones.

There was a second guy and he was a bit nicer. Call it "good cop, bad cop". I just call it plain luck. By this time, Carlo had depleted all financial resources and barely had twenty pesos in his green native coin purse. I remember him telling me earlier how quickly money passed through his fingers and how he spent so much money without even knowing it. The second guy took his eighteen pesos and made peace. The first guy wanted his phone, too.

"Are you sure? It's only a 5110." Carlo replied.

"I don't care. Just give me your f*cking phone." He answered.

"Let me get my SIM card" Carlo said. I was surprised how calm and controlled he was. I glanced at the black revolver that he had brought out just to scare us. I remember thinking it looked like a replica but I really wasn't in any position to challenge the gun's authenticity.

It's a live gun. I've never seen a live gun before, except for those handguns and machine guns that you see in banks. I doubt if they were loaded.

"Just leave him be." The second guy said as he stepped out the jeep. The first guy, probably not wanting to be left behind, did the same. I had lost my phone and Carlo lost all his money.

Right now, I'm not angry. I'm not even scared of Quiapo, although, I am a little bit scared of jeeps. A number of things crossed my mind. What if I hadn't bought the DVDs? What if I didn't look for an empty jeep? What if I didn't go to UST today? What if I bought more stuff? What if I spent the extra money on an FX ride home? What if? What if?

You may start to cringe in front of your computer screens right now. I know what I'm saying is really cheesy. But I'm really glad I'm typing this down in front of the laptop and not lying in a cold morgue slab or in a hospital with Carlo. I'm glad I'm not mourning the loss of that same friend and I guess I never tell him enough but I'm glad he's in my life. When I was at gunpoint, all I could think about was all I was leaving behind. My CD collection, my DVD collection, my assortment of micro mini vintage shirts, my kids at Sunday School, my family, my house, my dreams, my life. Everyone, every single person here in Friendster... All that I've met and all that I would've never had the chance to. All that could vanish in just one second, one tiny flicker of the trigger.

I could've died today. I take comfort in the fact that I have faith in God and He's always looking out for me. Maybe this happened for a reason. I once asked Him for something that'll make me alive. Something that'll make my faith stay with Him this time. Something that won't make me lean on my own understanding. I guess He answered my prayer. On the ride home, there were a number of songs on the radio that made me want to smile. I like to believe He put them there to make me smile. Turn Back Time, Karma, and When It's Over... All these songs made me smile. It's true that turning back time has crossed my mind. What if this is just karmic retribution for all the sh*t I've done? I guess I really needn't bother explaining.

However cliché it sounds, me and Carlo both agree that life really is beautiful. Whenever you take a puff out of that cigarette or sip your overpriced coffee, be thankful that you aren't starving or dying somewhere. In one moment, everything you know, everything you live for could be gone. Are you ready to leave everything behind?

I wondered what could've happened to the people I leave behind. I wasn't worried about where I was going. I knew my roots are planted safely in Him. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and he shall make your paths straight. I'm not really sure where that passage is in the Bible but I know it by heart. These are the words that keep me sane now. It's these words that I hold liable for my sanity. I'm not bouncing off of these walls. In fact, I even watched a couple of DVDs. God even calmed me. He made me feel so relieved that I'm alive that I don't really think that much of my missing phone.

For the record, I'm okay. I'm perfectly fine. This seems to be the question' everyone's been asking and at varying degrees of persistence. My God is a great God. Isn't that great (but ridiculously out of character for a dark, young writer like me!)?

On the way home, I saw a couple of women huddling over a dying cat. Carlo said it was just like in the movies when after a big event, something symbolic appears on the screen. I could've died today and I'm glad I'm not. Makes you feel kinda special, doesn't it?