Friday, June 10, 2005

still alive, baby?

wow, the last few days have been kuhrayzee for me. i was able to do something that i never legally got to do before. i slept over.

before you think kinky thoughts, it's not what it sounds. i spent the night with three guys i was in high school with (argee, maui, and francis). we met up frequently after graduation and though we've gotten really close after that, we all knew there were secrets we couldn't reveal at the wrong time. when we left, we were all connected once again. there was a time i thought we wouldn't reconnect like we did back in high school but last night proved otherwise.

we watched mr. and mrs. smith last night. it was really nice. i don't think i've ever been that entertained in a long, long time.

angelina jolie is a screen goddess. because of this movie, i can forgive beyond borders. she is soooo hot. i was processing my thoughts last night and i came to this conclusion: angelina jolie is the epitome of sex appeal in my twisted brain. have you ever danced alone in your bedroom in front of a mirror? i know this sounds queer but there are times when i feel like dancing. hahaha and when i do, my lips start to pop out like hers and this little thing makes me feel tons sexier. hahaha. THE SHAME!

brad pitt does well, too. this movie's the first time i saw how old he's gotten. the signs of ageing are really starting to hit him. i miss jennifer aniston. :(

when we got back, we started playing on the idea of having an open forum. i know, it's so late night girl's school but i guess there was a lot of tension between the four of us. it started out with a few questions but the one we spent close to six hours on was "what do you think of each other that you couldn't say in normal situations?" we spilled our hearts out and we let each other know things that we've hidden for so long. only fitting since we are entering our third year in college and the four of us first got united in our third year of high school.

we wrapped up with "did you ever want to thank the people in this group but couldn't in normal situations?" okay, it's obvious that last night/this morning wasn't a 'normal situation'. we thanked each other. it was soooo cheesy but nice. by the time we finished, the sun was up. 7AM. I slept till 9-ish.

this morning though, i felt terrible. kind of like the morning after, you know? it's like the mystery has unfolded. you lay in the rubble of babylon's walls. nothing's left to do. i do feel closer to them. i feel like we now share an unbreakable bond but there's this feeling of dishevelment(spel/usage?). did i say too much? is there hope for things to change? i didn't know how badly i had wounded my friends. i guess being too outspoken has its perks but mostly, i'm riddled with the side-effects.

word vomit. i'm sick of word vomit. and actual vomit, by the way. here's a gross story. this morning, we went down for the complimentary breakfast. we had about half an hour to raid the breakfast buffet. i ate so much, i couldn't finish my food. to think i still wanted to raid the fruit and dessert table. i apologized and i felt bad for argee because he was paying for everything. i excused myself from the table and went to the bathroom.

actual vomit. i stuck my finger down my throat. i felt so horrible. i hadn't done that in so long but today was different. (well maybe not that long) i felt fat and bloatey. i didn't get enough sleep. my socks were wet. my cheeks were huge. i felt really sorry that it had to come to that. argee saw right through and called it like it is. when i got back, he said "you 'in-your-face'd right?" doesn't make much sense in english but we both got the point.

this afternoon, i didn't want to go home. this whole day, i felt like i was stuck in a trance. you'd think that the lack of decent sleep was causing this but i wasn't sleepy. there just wasn't an audible thought in my head. i was quiet up until the time i got home. i wasn't even loud during lunch. we ate in fuzion but i didn't order drinks. i was saving money. when i got home, i called tracy and apologized for not being able to go to her birthday party this afternoon. then, i washed my face and went to bed. woke up to watch kampanera and ikaw ang lahat. happy thoughts. happy thoughts.

there's a bad side to bulimia. argee always said i'd end up with a throat wound one of these days. i did. it's so gross i can't even begin to describe what happened. it looks like i've got a second tonsil. gross. it's all inflamed and stuff. gross. gross.

i hate my body. last night, the guys asked me why i was so cocky all the time. i had all the chutzpah to critique movies and i do so with such disgust and glee. such actions make me seem like an arrogant bastard. anyways, argee added that i'd turn around and be all vulnerable and insecure. two words baby: defense mechanism.

i hate that i know what's happening to me. i hate that i can't just worry about why my head feels this way. i already know why. :(

anyways, you guys should really see mr. and mrs. smith. it's so cool. this bag with expandable handles is soooooo cool. my friends and i looked at each other and jokingly said 'i want one of those!'. anyways, MAMS is totally mainstream and manufactured but it's seriously the juice. watch out for angelina's killer line: happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet.

postscript: is it just me or is this post deceptively not about mr. and mrs. smith? :D


  1. haha. how very Jared Leto of you. but seriously dude, it's not cool. Although I would do the same if I'll get chubby. (I will never get fat. It's evil.) Anyway, there are diets for guys too, you know. I totally recommend the Abs Diet by David Zinczenko, editor in chief of Men's Health. It actually tells you to balance protein and carbs which is totally anti Atkins and South Beach. Power Books has it.

  2. hahaha i hate diets. hahaha i turned anorexic a couple months back. i can really get into it! at least u said jared leto. ive got friends who call me l.lo (as in lindsay lohan). hahaha :D

  3. NOT about Mr& Mrs Smith? Hmmm,..I never would have noticed! ;-) But I understand,...I have been fighting the tummy pudge as well,..But I'm down 6lbs since the 4th,..I'm getting there! {{{hugs}}} & luck luv,..just try to do it a bit more safely! I'd be lost without your posts!

  4. awww tragic! hahaha that makes me feel soooo much better. as a no doubt fan, do you know 'beauty contest' which appeared in 'everything in time'? hahahah :D spread that online love around! :D

  5. I know the song sweetie,.in fact I posted the lyrics today. Some of my other friends are having some weight issues, I figured it may give'em some perspective,..:-) Thank you for reminding me xoxo!

  6. angelina looks good doing action movies, coz she's so damned appealing.. hehehe