Saturday, May 14, 2005

sullen boy

Today, I am sullen.

I was thinking about advice and how I always knew what to tell people. It's like that Liz Phair song I like so much. "You're always thinking you know what everybody else should do with their lives." I'm not sure if I'm demanding or a control freak. I guess you'd have to ask the people around me.

One time, we (RG and I) told Carlo to leave his hair and face alone, just for one day. I wanted to prove to him that the value of people does not change when their hair looks fucked up or if they somehow seem oily.

Practice what you preach, right. I usually didn't have any problems with myself. I think I can pretty much handle me without any enhancements. So this morning, I didn't put wax in my hair. I didn't put balm on my lips. I didn't moisturize my eye bags. Okay, so I'm not as happy with myself per se. But this day was for proving that I can handle myself.

It's weird. It's like my body's avoiding mirrors. I don't think I've brought myself to look in the mirror even when I used the restroom. I felt fat and fugly. I wanted to stay indoors. My mom and my sister went to Robinson's Pioneer to shop because there was a sale but I didn't want to go. I just wanted to cover myself. I really felt fat. I hadn't exercised in eons. I had no discipline to diet and I promised myself I'd quit barfing since it really wasn't right.

I was watching a rerun of Saturday Night Live. Conan was guesting and he wasn't as funny as he is on his show. There was a C-Span skit and all these one hit wonders were protesting the use of Napster and one by one, the senators dismissed them because they weren't really affected by the program since none of their songs ever got downloaded. Conan was Right Said Fred (I'm too sexy...) and he was once again, too sexy for a shirt. It was the first time I saw Conan semi-topless and it wasn't a sight that I was all too interested in. but I could tell that he was holding his belly in and I could somehow relate.

Comedians are usually okay with their bodies. They don't really mind packing on a few pounds or looking like an idiot. But seeing Conan in that awkward position made me think that all people go through insecurities with their appearance. I mean, RG's always telling me that I should accept my body and that I shouldn't care what people say (not that they were saying anything). But I don't know. We all have our standards and half the time, we don't meet them. We get all furious with ourselves and it's kinda depressing. Seeing Conan being awkward made me feel better because it made my case seem normal. I'm normal.

I didn't look in any mirrors today and though I felt fat, I still managed to stuff down a couple pieces of Gyoza. We went to Makro and I finally told my sister I read one of Papa's letters to his brother and I finally understood how he felt. He was being cranky because he was in pain and with that knowledge, I finally understood why he was acting that way.

She told me while she was looking for hair cream, she found cigarettes in my bag. I think the whole world just froze. I've never told anyone in my family about the cigarettes. She reassured me, telling me it was okay since she used to smoke, too. I said didn't we all? She even made fun of my Menthol fixation, saying it was like Stork.

It's okay to feel sullen because in our own little way, that's how we deal with things. We mourn over loss because we lost someone. We cry over things because it makes us sad. Some people can't express this so they become cranky. I guess that's okay, too. I'm really not the kind of person who would hide stuff from me. I mean, I know what's wrong with me and I'm man enough to face it. The time that I could accept that may have not come yet but it is coming. I know it is.

I'm normal so no one can tell me I cannot be sullen. I'll be sullen because I'm normal and it's perfectly okay to feel bad about your body. It isn't right but a greater sin would be too go in denial and say I don't feel these things. I'm glad RG's okay with his body, I really am but I think that he should be okay with me stressing about mine, too.

I'm not angry. No Gee, I don't wanna fight. Today I am sullen and it feel's right.

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