Wednesday, May 25, 2005

a letter to myself

I had this idea in my head this morning as I woke up and here I am trying to write it down.

a letter to myself
You seem different these past few days. It's a subtle difference, almost ignorable, if you don't take notice to the smaller things. There's less fluff in your walk. There's less joy in your talk. Your efforts to subdue your feelings may have worked for some but it doesn't work for me. I know you too well, whether or not you know what that really means.

Was it her? Did she do this? Does she even know what she's done? These are questions you need to answer. I see you lying on the floor, pretending to be asleep, stifling tears that have come to soothe the night. When you wake up, it's these same tears that greet you and I can't help think it shouldn't have to be this way. When love is like hurting, maybe you ought to rethink your options.

I've been there, once or twice and I know that things aren't as easy as it sounds. You can't just say 'I'm over her' and you actually are. These things take time. I once fell in love with her, too and we were both to childish, too young to even consider the boundaries that our love meant. I know how it feels to be so insanely in love that you'd forego all feelings of jealousy, anger, pain, and sorrow. Know that this too shall pass.

Please forgive me for my distance. I always felt like I was a spectator to your life. When you're ready, I can help you mend but you have to swear you'll help me preserve you. You're drying out. You're the last of your kind and you don't have to wait for others to see that. I see it.

I don't think this will really help but I'll say it anyway. You may feel a little under the weather but I wanted to tell you that you are loved. Maybe not by the person who matters most but I love you just as you are. Whether or not you believe I love you is up to you but I wish you'd listen to what I cannot say out loud. I don't want you thinner, taller, smarter, or more romantic. I love you because you are perfect in my eyes. There isn't anything that you can do to convince me otherwise.

That's it. That's how it ends pretty much. I didn't want to say too much because I'm afraid any further introspection would cause spontaneous combustion.

Last night really cleared up a lot of questions in my head. I've never really had to confront the feelings that I had. All I knew was I loved her too much to see her go. I knew we were drifting and I was afraid that perhaps our almost decade-long legacy was coming to an end. At that point, how I felt about her didn't matter. I'd rather hear her voice on the other line talking about her new love than to not hear it at all.

She asked me what it was that I saw in her, as if confronting previous questions wasn't painful enough. She was somehow doubtful, thinking maybe I didn't really love her but I was just afraid I'd lose her. I couldn't really give her an example of why I love her but I offered her a metaphor. We have this proverbial 'page' that we get on and off. It symbolizes love but the thing is, for all these years, we've only been on the same page for a week. I told her every time I got on the page and you left. Every time that I got off the page and she got on, there'd be pieces of her that are left in my heart. Slowly and as time went speeding past us, the pieces formed a larger piece until my heart started to yearn for someone who could take its place in my heart. But each time new love appears, it's those same bits and pieces that I look for in them. Often times, I realize how different they are from her and that's when it all ends. I can't love them because they're not her.

She asked me if it was okay that we were talking about her new love. I said what at that time felt like the truth. Oddly enough, I held no resentment for him. He seemed warm and almost fuzzy. I told her I knew I couldn't make her happy and knowing that he somehow could is all I really need to know. Who am I to put a person who makes her happy in jeopardy? I told her I don't mind talking about him because I love hearing her sound happy. I wish I was making her happy. I wish I was making her feel loved but things don't always turn out the way we want them to. I told her I just want you to be loved and who it is that's loving you doesn't matter anymore. At least not to me. I wanna see you loved and I don't care anymore who's doing the job.

But then the night was young and we talked longer. She told me how she felt but I knew she was holding something back. Last night, I poured out my heart. After quiet introspection, I started to harbor ill feelings for her and her new love. I realized I was insanely jealous that she tells him the three words that I never heard from her. I realized how the complications of the situation was setting me back a couple of years in mending. I told her I was tired of never seeing her on the page. I told her I needed to be alone so that I could sort my feelings.

I guess what's stupid is how transparent I became. I knew better than that and I told her too much. That was how it ended sourly. When I finally confronted my emotions, I felt resentment and anger towards the whole situation. I was angry and I wanted her to feel even an ounce of the pain that her love is putting me through. I thought if only I could make her see how much this love of hers was causing me so much pain then maybe the pill wouldn't seem so hard to swallow.

I woke up feeling terrible. I didn't go to work. I didn't move from where I lay. I just wanted to hide. Disoriented, for a moment I felt like I was still talking to her on the phone. I cried this morning hoping that though she was miles away, she could hear it. I cried because no one was looking and because I needed someone to cry for me. I needed someone to tell me that this pain is hurting them too and since there was no one to fill that spot, I had to jump right in.

Oh well, I knew what I was getting into when I fell for her. My only fault is I shouldn't have said anything. I should've just let things heal between us. Right now, I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk to her. I called her up this morning to apologize but she wasn't feeling chatty. I guess she was still sour about how last night ended. It was then that I decided to stop doing things like that. Stop walking into situations that will only hurt me. I'm afraid I don't know how to talk to her anymore. Do we talk about him like we always do? Do we talk about us and how this situation is causing me pain? Should I still meet her on Friday and if so, will it hurt even more? I don't think I'll ever be ready to answer these questions. All I know is I've fallen and I've fallen hard.

"Love... love is not pretending. Time... time was meant for mending. Memories into all is satisfactory. Healthy smiles fill the page the day we spent in miles. And I let her drive away from me."

2 comments:

  1. Dude, that letter to yourself is a good read. It may be deeper than you think. That is the material of books or movies...keep it up.

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  2. thanks doc. i guess when you write something that actually affects you or is affecting you at the moment, it kinda comes out more honest. thanks for the compliment. :D

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