Friday, May 6, 2005

i fulfilled everbody's secret fantasy

Subtitled: I'm a lazy lima bean who shat his way out of work today because he needs some time for himself. But I love me anyway.

For starters, i want to explain the "but i love me anyway" part. I read this self-help journal kit that asks you to write down all the things you hate about yourself. read them out loud but say "but I love me anyway" right after. okay, let's try it.

1. I am fugly... but I love me anyway. (okay, so far so good)
2. I am fat... but I love me anyway. (gee, glad that's out of the way, phew!)
3. I hate myself but I love me anyway. (okay stop. that's crazy)
back to business. okay, i must warn you. a part of this post is rated r-18.

i fulfilled everyone's secret fantasy today. i know it's in the back of your head somewhere and you might be subduing it. just keep an open mind. the rest of this post will be in marquee and white so that if you aren't really interested in reading it, y'all can just save yourself the mental image. There's only one way to read this post and i'll leave it to you to figure that out.
*deleted for obvious reasons*

Anyways, back to PG13. i watched the wedding date yesterday with mom in gateway. it's kind of disappointing. they cut so much of the movie out to make it PG13 that i felt some important angles of the story were left out. i checked the site though and it ws really PG13 so now i'm confused if i missed anything or was the sound editor a drunken bafoon?

i wrote a vignette about bulimia. i tried my darndest to explain everything. i hope i did it right. some Bamboo references were made.


Bathroom


Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. The faucet sings me a song. Should I? Could I? No, it isn’t right. I probably shouldn’t even be here. I sat on the covered toilet seat, reading the label of my unconventional breakfast.

140 calories per serving. About three servings per bag. That’s easily 420 calories and it isn’t even noon. Should I?

No, people are starting to notice. I can’t do this. It isn’t right. It isn’t the natural flow of things.

Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop. The faucet continues. I should’ve gone to work. I shouldn’t have stayed here where I know my depression will start kicking in and I’ll probably gulp down that other bag in the cupboard. No, I can’t. I shouldn’t. No one will ever love me if I’m... like this.

I turned on the radio to listen to a different song. Everywhere I go, I hear the constant drumming of the bathroom faucet. Taunting me. Tormenting me. Calling me to do what I so long to do. Everything feels unnatural now. Damn it, when’s he going to get here? It’s like my entire life is on hold for this stupid plumber.

The world starts to spin and suddenly my hand feels right inside my mouth. I pull the seat up and push my tongue down as my body turns over 420 calories of processed corn chips. Let it go. Let it go. It isn’t worth it. It isn’t worth it.

Nung dating masaya ngayo’y panay problemang bumabalot sa buto. Bakit ganito?

Masaya. The song shields my cries of agony and the sounds of my breakfast going down the toilet. I can do this in comfort knowing no one is around to look down on such a necessary act. No one is here. You are safe.

I’m telling you, I had to do it. I had to. It was staring at me, the nutrition facts. I couldn’t stand it. It wasn’t right. Why do so much people have it easy while people like me have to hide behind closed doors. It isn’t right. It isn’t fair.

I stare at the mirror, refusing to see what I see. My hair is all messed up. My t-shirt reeks of vomit. My eyes are full of tears. I’m not sure what’s causing them now. I thought I’d stop once I quit barfing. Tears slowly trickled down until crying turned into sobbing. Who is that staring at me? I’ve aged sooner than I thought. Where did it all go?

Ang pag-ibig ganyan talaga, Masaya.

Will I ever find the relief I so long to feel? I slowly sat down on the bathroom floor, not knowing what it is that’s come over me. What’s happening to me? Where am I going? Where did I come from? Why am I doing this? Why does it hurt so much?

Flush goes the toilet and with it, all 420 calories of this morning’s breakfast. No one will ever find out if I’m careful. No one will ever care if I’m this undeserving. The faucet sings a different song when I was my hands. Whoosh, it goes reminding me of better days that have been promised up ahead. Someday, everything will be okay. Someday, I too will be happy.

Ding-dong. The plumber’s here. I light a vanilla candle in a desperate effort to hide the smell of my pain. Comfort is delayed but coming. Your secrets are safe with me.

Needless to say, i barfed breakfast (tortillos). Okay, i'll be back later. i've got some shit i need to do. i promised myself i'd work out right after i wash the dishes and right before i take my bath. got so much time to myself but i'm kinda stuck here since i dont have a key. i can't go to the mall. ciao, later.
by the way, the tortillos i ate had 160 calories per serving and there were 16.33 servings in that bag. just so you know. :D

PS. Horrors, my defunct website is in my sister's bookmarks. I hope they don't know about my blog.

4 comments:

  1. nice work..
    by the way i read your marque w/ white letters.... just so you know i did :)
    anyway i guess everyone went through that (the nekkid thing not the monkey in the past :) )
    so you ate all 160x16.33 calories? or just the 460? if you ate all 2613.3333 calories i'd defenitely do the same... i'd stick my fingers down my throat and watch it go down the drain...
    yesterday i wasn't able to eat properly... i had a cold, daming sipon, and i lost my appetite... just forced myself to eat.. as in kung kelan may elbow macaroni bolognese e saka ako di nakakain ng marami... hay.... :)

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  2. i didn't eat it all by myself. pepper and wicky shared with me.

    like i said, it's EVERYONE's secret sexual fantasy so i wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people have done it in the past.

    btw, i had a flashback last night. i have done the *(marquee white)* episode before but i think i had an apron on, too. kinda kinky, eh?

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  3. hehehe... apron, huh? :) that's just so.... hehehe :)
    well, at least you didn't do it with socks and shoes on hehehe! :)
    well then, did you already did it in the fridge w/ someone like diana zubiri and francine prieto in liberated 2? hehehe :)
    parental guidance is adviced on this post :)

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  4. ha ha... no, i'm not that kinky. anyways's what's the deal with the shoes and socks? don't u know that us cheeky boys follow our own advice?

    *ahem ahem* shake it shake it move it move it take ur shoes off and feel the freedom just shake it and move it and TAKE THOSE SHOESIES OFF!!! hahaha :D

    ReplyDelete