Sunday, May 29, 2005

another one bites the dust

It's amazing how it takes so much to prove to a jaded person how fragile life really is. I've been held up at gunpoint and been through really dark moments in my life and I thank God that to this day, I'm still alive.

A friend of mine died this morning. It's weird how I actually know someone who was in the evening news. I guess RG and I share reactions when he tagged me on my flooble. Adrian Robles offed himself with a cord in his own bedroom. The thing is, I wish I could call him my friend but in reality he was far less than that. At times, he'd diss me and I'd diss him right back. That was our relationship as far as I'm concerned.

One time, I cut in line in front of him. It wasn't intentional and I know I'm getting really cheesy just mentioning this. He was the kind of person that I didn't really care for. As the FX drove away without him, I didn't even flinch. I figured he'd catch the next ride.

But often times, people don't catch the next ride. They get problems and they don't get over it. I remember so well this time last year I was in the same situation. I'd lock myself in the bathroom with my cellphone and a pocket knife. I called a few people who I wanted to say goodbye to. Suicidal people often want to be stopped.

Life is so precious and I'm glad I had my faith to stop me. I've heard people say that "suicides" are weak and that they shouldn't have chosen to do something so drastic. What they don't understand is that sometimes, it's so hard to even breathe when you feel like a failure. It's hard to even continue living knowing that a few mistakes in the past have rendered you incapable of living a new life. Those same mistakes have stopped you from living the life you wanted to live. Maybe he has a different image of his future. I know I always imagined I would graduate in UP and that time I realized it wasn't going to happen, I felt really bad.

I was going through my stuff and I found a few stuff about him. He scribbled a note in a retreat letter. "Hapi Retreat! BGood Alwayz - Adrian". I guess I'm just filled with stupid questions I can't afford to answer. What if I had talked to him? Maybe I could have saved him.

I checked out my yearbook and I saw that I had written his write-up. It was filled with empty words that I didn't mean at that time. Now I see that each and every person who walks and talks and breathes deserves a chance to talk. No man is an island. Could a conversation save his life? He was mean to me because he was lonely. If only he had some decent friends.

Love is giving a person what he needs, not what he deserves. Sometimes, we can get homicidal over emotional fuckwits and assholes who waste our time. But I can't help feeling if only I had given him a handshake, a decent conversation, the time of day... maybe things could be different. Everyone deserves that. I just dismissed him because he was mean to me. Come to think of it, it wasn't even THAT mean. He would just tease me about my nose and stuff and my blog header gives you a clue that I don't mind that much. I just feel so helpless right now.

My faith tells me that suicide is a ticket straight to hell. I don't believe in limbo. I know that offing yourself is like spitting in God's eye and showing him how ungrateful you are of the gift He has given you. I don't ever want to wish Hades on anybody I know so here goes my point:

If you're feeling low, I may not seem like much help. People have sometimes been afraid of talking to me because they thought I'd correct them or that I was too much of a critic. I may not seem like much help, I know, but try me. It takes a slasher to help another slasher. Chances are, I can really help you. I'm not sure if this post is worth shite to people but I just wanted this out in the open.

Life is precious and I don't say that enough. Sometimes, I don't believe in it either. Whatever happens, know that God is always there and He wouldn't give you something you couldn't bear. I know a lot of you are cringing because I'm suddenly so cheesy but It's just so horrifying to find out someone you know offed himself. Problems pass, people pass, and sooner than you know it, we will, too.

Excuse me while I go into the other room and cry. :(

8 comments:

  1. Oh darlin,...NOT cheesy! I feel what you mean! Truly. I never respected what my life meant. I took care of my kids & made sure their lives were good but I gave up on mine. I have a chronic illness & I got really sick, I almost died. I got better after a time & I let go of how I felt. I went on for a while but again, I took a downfall, I got horribly ill, waaay worse. I almost died the first time but they said this one was a whole lot closer. I really woke up after that. I told everyone how much I loved them, how precious life is, how easily it can all slip away, mine nearly did! At first they thought it was a side-effect of getting better but it stayed, having death touch you in a personal way, be it yourself, your family, friends or in your case simply a guy you knew, you were affected & THAT has a tendency to give you a bit of a new perspective on life & what it could mean to lose it.

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  2. haha. thanks for thinking i'm not cheesy. :D actually, i've had a little too much brushes with death more than just knowing that guy. like i said, i was held up at gunpoint one time and as a child, i had tuberculosis. okay, i didnt really have to say that online. i guess it's weird how i've become so jaded that i've forgotten life's quintessence.

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  3. death is the completion.death is where the horizon finally stops receding.not a separate thing from life, but life's last resolving chord..

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  4. @LOF: Yes, it is! Haha LOF's raping my archives! haha the "fuck" query was pretty funny.

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  5. all i did was click a word and google did all the rest. =P

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  6. @LOF: That's one smart browser. lol

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