Tuesday, April 26, 2005

my tendency to run away feels unnatural now

NOTE: I wrote this post this morning... that explains why my last post was a tad happier... i'm not some sort of schizo or anything... hahaha

My mother must've been Jewish in a previous life. I mean, it's the only possible explanation to how expertly she uses guilt as ammunition. Here's how a typical fight runs its course in the Lim household:

MOM: Money Money Money Blah Blah Blah
NOT MOM: No Money Blah Blah Blah
MOM: You take advantage of my money! Blah Blah Matching Tears
NOT MOM: No Money Blah Blah Blah Matching Blah Blah Tears
MOM (Under her breath): One day, I'm gonna leave you all for good. See where you'll find yourself. I'll just pack my bags and leave and you'll feel so sorry you treated me like shit.

And what's funny is I actually wrote a story like that and whilst I'm typing this now, I realized my mother was the real heroine in that short piece of literature I wrote last year. Let me get to my point.

When things got rocky in our high school paper (This guy was picking on my "third-grade" poems), my first tendency was to quit. When my friends in college all became weird (or was it I who was weird), I ran to our college paper for refuge. When I realized our EIC was an idiot and that work was impossible (I felt like Dilbert), I wanted to run away. I quit and lost so many friends.

In the process of all this, I realized one thing after witnessing yet another Lim fight (this one takes place in a Makati Med Lobby): I took after my mother's tendency to bail out on situations that are… err… less than desirable.

There aren't a lot I take after my mother: my course hair, my pug nose, and well… that's all I can really think of right now. But if all the irk-y qualities that I inherited from her, I had to get this?!?

There's an Alanis song called That Particular Time that goes "My tried and true way to deal was to vanish" and I guess I share that with her. And now… they say that your vision when you look back on things is always 20/20. What did I gain from all that? I lost so many friends and opportunities to grow as a person, as a writer, as a friend. Who knows what kind of person I could be right now if only I didn't bail out that time or the time before that? Ugh, cheese alert.

I guess I'm writing, quite terribly, that I learned a lesson today. My tendency to run away comes from my mother. Now if only my self psychosis can find a way to correct this…

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