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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Friday, December 17, 2004

fight fire with fire

cooled down when i hung out with gege and the gang in RP. even edited my last post. life is so much better when things just slide off of you. i wrote joel this nice testimonial that i hope he likes.

i wrote this poem and it's about marianne. it's my first poem about her that i completed and it's also my first one in filipino. i hope it's okay.

Not sure what to call it. 1216 or Damuhan at Tala. I thought of 1216 because i thought of some if its parts during the rivermaya concert (214). jologs!

1216: Damuhan At Tala

Doon sa ibabaw ng damuhan at ilalim ng mga tala
Ikaw at ako’y naging iisa

Sa pagyugyog ng tugtugin ng banda
At ang dagundong ng tibok ng aking puso
Nanumbalik ang mga damdamin
Na pilit kong ibinabaon sa limot

Mga alaala noong tayo’y mga bata pa
Inosente at puno ng pangarap
Noong ako’y may ibinulong na lihim sa buwan

Na mamahalin kita
Tumigil man ang banda sa pagtugtog
Bumiyak man ang lupang kinatatayuan ko

Ngunit hindi and banda ang tumigil
Kundi ang ating pagtitinginan
Hindi lupa ang bumiyak
Kundi ang mumunti kong puso

Sa paghilom ng aking mga sugat
Dulot ay panibagong araw

Panibagong pagkakataong
Gumalaw sa iisang tugtugin
At kumanta sa iisang liriko

Sa mumunting saglit na walang bahid ng hiya,
Ako’y nasa piling ng iyong mga munting braso,

Natagpuan ko na ang tunay kong pook
Ang tahanan ng aking kalayaan
Doon, ako’y mamamalagi at mananatili
Tumigil man ang banda
bumiyak man ang lupa
Sumikat man o lumubog
Ang buwang minsa’y naging saksi sa ating sumpa.

grrrrrr....

__'s such an asshole. i've been too quiet about this. it's not right, nay not fair. stop antagonizing me, you freak. you're an immature buffoon who needs to grow up.

it all started this morning. i was already feeling vulnerable because of how ___, ___, and ___ were toying with me and ___ last night. they knew that we had ended everything but still, they continued teasing us. i was hopeful for about a second until i realized i wasn't kidding anybody. me and ___ are never going to be a couple. there's too many factors that stand in the way.

it's pathetic how i only have my blog to talk to. i'm out of place in my own major.

so i was outside, minding my own business when i see ___, ___, ___, ___, and ___ talking. call me crazy but i think they're planning to go out. i didn't mind it. for all i care, they could all go to hell (except for ___ and ___ who are both angels). it hurt me like hell, knowing that i will never be a part of anything to do with ___ because of ___.

and then after the christmas party, we ___ . i was so sure ___ so i said ___ just to be sure. i didn't tell ___ or anybody aside from ___ to go with my plan but suddenly everyone was there. ___ had his sulking face and he was saying stuff about what was happening and he didn't sound pleased. he was angry at me and ___ when i didn't ___. like i said, he could ___ and i wouldn't even flinch. if he ___ , i'd probably even smile but ___? no way. ___ him. i hope karmic retribution is real so that he'd finally understand what his actions mean.

i hate my life. i hate being played with. my heart is not a toy, okay. so she hugged me last night. that was an accident. so we wore the same thing. that was a coincidence. so what? so what if i still love her. it doesn't matter now. can somebody shoot me now?

Thursday, December 16, 2004

fudge packer

i finally know what fudge packer means. i know what it is and how it's done (obviously) but i didn't know there was a term. i thought it was just eating shit!

"Fudge, Packer?" - a fudge packer is a gay man who likes to give anal sex, the shit being the fudge.

i found out when i clicked around for a cool blog to read. she's linked to this other blog called fuck101 and its uber cool! check it out!

:"D

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

IQ

bumaba IQ ko!

Congratulations, Nyl!
Your IQ score is 122

This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.

Your Intellectual Type is Inventive Inquisitor. You have the unusual distinction of being equally good at math and verbal skills. This means you are a creative thinker and are uniquely good at teaching others through experiences. You are also a great improviser and very good at handling change.

Monday, December 13, 2004

was that you passing me by?

there's a depressed pugnosedfreakazoid in these lands. it's something that i've tried to name or somehow put a proverbial finger on but it slips everytime. i don't get satisfaction from work or from school anymore. all i get is this hollow pit somewhere between my heart and my gut. i can't fill it with work or school or friends -- not that i still have them.

maybe that's it. maybe i've lost my friends. all along, i thought i could always go back to my friends in school. EJ was just a temporary thing, i assured myself. but then, shit happened and i dived headfirst into my work. now, it doesn't fill me anymore. now, it doesn't satisfy me. i spent last weekend layouting. but no, it wasn't enough. i just wanted to shove a rifle down my throat. hope that'll cure this... this... whatever it is. i've lost my friends and here's why.

i thought my new friends in EJ were cool but after a while, i realized i couldn't be with them because i wasn't like them. they don't know the things that i know. they find beauty in my garbage and in my beauty, they find garbage. it's like everything's inverted. what's good for the students is good for the paper. at least that's what they make you believe. but no, that's not necessarily true. there's what's good for your editors, whats good for people who aren't your editors but feel like they're a notch above you so they edit you anyway, whats good for the press, good for the administration, it's all bullshit. i just... it's more than that. it's not worth all my efforts when mediocrity passes for quality.

fine, call me bitter but i really didn't appreciate the nasty comments i got from a certain priest who happens to be a rector in my college. no one deserves to get those nasty comments. from a priest no less! it was then i lost interest in everything. no way... no more... i'm tired and unappreciated and it's time i stand up for me. when u was an editor, i always felt like i should stand up for the people below me. now, i'm under a whole lot of oppression and all they can give me is a pat in the back. it's like, duh! i can pat my own back. go... do something!

of course the irony of it all is that now that i realize i dont belong in the education journal, it's too late. i can't relate to my friends back in class. everything's fucked up now. they hang out with olet. lupac's gone nuts. charmaine's got her own world. it's like, nothing's what it seems. i didn't feel like i was part of anything. like... a... lone wolf? no, too cheesy. but at the same time, i miss them. i miss joel boel and beans and gege. they don't care anymore, of course but at least i still have the past times with them. no one, no new friends or changes of mind can ever take that away.

so there, i felt like i'm caught in the middle and now, i've burned all my bridges. i can't go back and i can't go forward. everything's changed. i feel animosity towards the staff here. they don't get me. they just think i'm bitching. maybe i should just leave. screw them for rejecting my cute valentine's cover. screw them all. i can live alone. this is exactly what i was looking for, right? a journey of self-discovery free from any social relations. be silent to drown out the noise. be silent to truly find yourself.

God speed.

losers

we lost ustetika. how embarassing.

Friday, December 10, 2004

colorgenics rules

who knew they'd get the fact that i'm considering resigning from EJ?

You are always alert and keenly observant. You are not truly satisfied with your everyday status and you are seeking fresh avenues which can give you the opportunity to prove your worth. You feel that there are still many barriers that stand between you and recognition - but one by one you will overcome them. Your tenacity is your one good point - like an English Bulldog, once you take the bite, you will seldom let go.

Enough is enough. Nothing seems to be working out as you would like it to and it has got to the stage where you feel as if you can't be bothered anymore. The way you feel is that it would be great if you could be cut off from everything and take it easy - be it only for a short time.

You are a demanding egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. This attitude makes people feel somewhat inadequate when in your company and so it is no wonder that at times you feel alone and unwanted.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

Being afraid that you may be prevented from achieving your hopes and dreams is making you anxious and nervous. As a dreamer your ideas can at times move into the realm of fantasy and you could be following that so called illusive dream.

new blog picture!

i've got a new blog picture! hahaha... tummy! i was wearing my PE t-shirt from freshman year in high school and i was surprised it actually fit! hahaha, putting it on was sort of a biatch though. hehehe... it fits, i swear! i better get another picture with me and the shirt, put on correctly. hahaha

went jogging this morning. aced a test in stat, i think.. i hope... i pray?
got another test in programming later. pray for me, aight?

pnf :D

Thursday, December 9, 2004

outdated

how depressing. got nothing to blog about... my website is closing on the 20th.

Wednesday, December 1, 2004

today is gonna be the day

last night, i revived my food journal. but this time, i set up more guidelines so that writing on it won't be such a chore. i hope i can pull this off. twenty-one days isn't a long time to change yourself but there are just these moments when i hope i won't give in to the feeling of giving up.

eight pounds to lose: target.