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I'm vulnerable. I'm vulnerable (but) I am not a robot.

Friday, November 26, 2004

i hate makati

this is the story of how i ended up in the middle of makati wearing an old t-shirt, old gym shorts, a pair of slippers, and (most importantly) no underwear!

this is a long story and i'll try my best to explain it the best i can without sounding like a pervert exhibitonist. it started the day oil was invented and people used it to make gasoline for cars. now oil is very hard to come by now and since the demand grows, the price does too. people can't afford gas now so they decided to start this thing called a 'transport holiday'. because there was a 'transport holiday' yesterday, i spent all morning watching dvds that i was previously too busy to watch.

sometime between "white oleander" and "laws of attraction", i realized i was wearing my last pair of underwear! i rushed to the room, no longer interested in pierce brosnan and julianne moore's lack of chemistry. i gathered all my underwear, INCLUDING the one i was currently wearing (HEY i was at home! what do u expect?) and went to the laundry area.

so at about 5:30, my sister jenny called my dad to pick her up. usually, when this happens, my dad goes up to me and asks me if i want to join him. who wouldn't want to be stuck in a hot (no air-con at the back) van for several hours on an empty stomach, saddling conversation with a man who is bitter half the time? WOW! LOADS OF FUN!!! i usually find an excuse to weasel out of it but this time was different. i had no work or assignments to do. i told him i haven't bathed and he said it was okay since we were, under no circumstances, going to leave the van.

we got there at 6:30 and things weren't as bad as i thought. we stopped by pan de manila to get pandesal and we talked about stuff. i even ran out of stuff to say so i just told him how michelle, the most conservative singer in Destiny's Child/gospel singer was touching her breasts in the new video. it was kinda creepy. she even bared here tummy in the website. the traffic was so horrible. we felt like we parked and moved and parked and moved again and again. jenny wasnt there yet at that time so we had to circle the block several times. it was so exasperating. on our third time, papa asked me to come down. now, that was the thing i feared the most. not only was i in flip flops and a terrible outfit (did i mention the shorts were red?), i also had no underwear! the cool breeze was sending me all the wrong signals as i alighted. he told me to buy credit so we could text her. the only store accesible to us was a 7-11 that until then, i considered sacred. it was the branch that me and my high school friends raided one early morning (grad ball) and i was there, in my ridiculous outfit fearing the worst. i was kinda relieved to see that most of the people in that store were wearing the same ensemble (t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops). but the feeling morbidly passed as i realized i was sharing the space with construction workers. AAAAARGH! i wanted to leave but the credit i bought still wasn't there! so after several moments more of morbid shame, i finally gave up.

when i left the store, i was in a rut. the store that i thought was so precious now lost its novelty. papa was there and i got in the van. he was yelling and i told him i didn't get load. by this time, he had circled the block two more times so his rage was building. when jenny called my cell at about 7, i told her i would wait for her outside her building.i just wanted to be out of the vehicle so he wouldnt scream anymore.

when papa finally picked us up, he was quiet. jenny was famished as she ate her rice and adobo. i was soooo hungry but i couldnt tell her. i slept, feeling embarassed. after all, even though you could cut the warm tension in the air that night with a knife, i was still cold because... my underwear was still in the wash! GAWD!

to be continued...

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

and the stupidity continues

there's a discount that you compute for at the end of the month and i forgot to include that!

the stupidity continues at comptech lab! (star circle quest!)

test in comptech

feel so stupid. can't believe i missed that one question in our test in excel. instead of adding the bonus to the sales, i added it to the total comission. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

took a test on how i felt

At this time in your life you feel like 'giving up'. For every time you have tried to build up your hopes and dreams something has come along to burst the balloon. You may feel that, at this particular moment in your life, there seems to be no chance of fulfilling these dreams but you are so wrong. You are the sort of person that can influence any situation, that is - If you don't give up. So consciously make the effort... You have that inherent power to succeed.

You are very orderly, methodical and self sufficient. You demand and need the respect, recognition and understanding of all those who enter into your sphere on influence.

It is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no one to rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offense, but as matters stand you realize that you'll have to make the best of things as they are.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realize those dreams and to turn them into reality

and another one

Your Mood: At the moment your sensual and emotional needs are not being met. Perhaps you are finding life more than a little harsh at present. Being unable to relax is making you tired and taking the edge off your enthusiasm. You are not at your bravest now and want to retreat. Perhaps you feel hurt or let down by others and wish to retreat from a stressful situation. You may be feeling especially tired and in need of rest at the moment.

Your Present Situation: Your present situation is overwhelming you and your response is to become increasingly stubborn and idealistic. Because you feel unable to handle everything that is going on, it’s easier to break down and ignore the issues.Your present situation is draining your energy levels and can be very frustrating. Whatever efforts you make things do not appear to be getting any better. You need to be very careful as your vitality at the moment is low and you may feel that you cannot meet the challenges of your present circumstances. It is important to realize that this phase is temporary, and if you are careful not to let despondency take over, you will triumph in the end. You can make the necessary changes in your life, but it may take some time.

Your Conflicts: You have no conflicts at the present time

www.colorgenics.com

it's been a while. the chameleon loses its colors.

okay. so it's not really me to drown myself in work but that's exactly what i did. i've been ignoring heartache, pretending it wasn't there but it is and now it's catching up.

it's official. today, there is no more EJ work left to do. i've got no work, not a single thing to do and now i'm in panic mode.

so marianne and i finally gave up. it was a long time coming and just when i thought it wouldn't hurt a bit, it does and it hurts sooo much that just typing about it makes me cringe.

a few nights ago, i talked to this guy from high school and i was so envious. i wanted to cry. he got his life fixed and i just... i've been waiting... waiting for that twenty-one days to change. everyday, it's the same old story. i wake up and i say "today's the day that i'm going to change" but i never do.

i read in this book called "talking tough" that most if not all guys go through this certain phase where they feel like they've been abandoned... sort of left behind by everybody to figure things out... get a feel of the land... and find what it is exactly to be a "man". i never had that. the first sign of being left behind and i'm out the door. i'm always searching for new people to fill a void. and i'm so afraid that if they really knew who i was, then they'd be turned off so i end up conforming to them. like a little chameleon that changes color to protect itself.

i'm afraid because i know that i can't always be like this. i know that someday, i'll have to change. but i conform to so many colors that i forget what color i really am. i know it's around here somewhere, but my sanity really is misplaced. who am i? who am i after everyone's gone?

so back to my high school friend. i asked him if he has "someone"... he said yes and i was so envious. i know it's a sin and i'll probably regret admitting this but how come he's got it all together? why do i crumble to pieces when i'm alone. yet inspite of this dire need to not be left alone, i still am. maybe i'm getting into relationships for all the wrong reasons. i'm searching for a way to fill a void. but when you're in love, you've got so much of yourself that you want to give it away. i've got nothing to give away so i guess that's not really right. i'd be fooling me, her, and everybody.

i guess that's the reason why all my personas in my stories have been predominantly women (or men who want to be). it's because a man's presence is calming and comforting. a man's presence makes you feel naked and clothed at the same time. i don't have that presence but instead, i long for it. i long for the time when someone will tell me "it's okay. rest your weary head" however cliche that sounds. i'm just so afraid right now that i'll end up alone. i know that i'm not the most handsome person you'll ever meet. people who think they know me are confused with my sexual orientation. but that's not really fair to me since they don't know my past. they don't know all the shit that i've been through. shit that other people have put me through. they don't and if they want to make a mental image of me out of the things that they see right here, then i hope their balls freeze and swell to the size of melons.

i guess i'm in the wrong profession. teachers are infamous for being "married to their profession". what if i never meet her - the one. what if i already have but i let her get away with some sly comment that further convinced her i was more into her brother.

i miss mines. i do. i texted her yesterday, from the top of my head, probably the cheesiest message i've ever sent. i told her i missed her. missed how it feels like to be with her. missed everything about us. how did we let "us" slip away?. just when i thought she wasn't going to reply, she texted me this message at 8:57:36 AM. i know this because the message is still in my inbox.

"Aw...wat u said pierced me ryt thru. I miss ya 2"

what does that mean? does she miss me as a friend or as something more. i've considered her to be my soulmate more that once or twice in the past. i'm too young to be thinking these thoughts. maybe i should just stop listening to liz phair in the morning and norah jones at night. it's enough to make the depressed suicidal.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

and in your head you keep repeating the line

and in your head you keep repeating the line "my mother is mine!"

i've got PE today and i don't wanna go! erik scott smith (bobby @ age 15) just added me and sent me a message in myspace. i hope we can be friends.

Friday, November 12, 2004

borderline obsession

i've been talking non-stop about a home at the end of the world and so just so you know, i looked for an article that could best describe it. here it is.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

follow up pt 1

couldnt resist. i figured out what was wrong with the movie. the director was a novice. no wonder. that's what it needed. colin farrell was a god in the movie. i was convinced he really was bobby. he creeped me out a bit at first because he really was so unlike his other characters. erik smith, the guy who played him at age 15 was so adorable too.

a home at the end of the world

okay, i'm in art-film-buzz mode. it usually happens right after watching an art film and i'm not exactly sure how to react. look this movie up and see why. okay, i'll react to it when i'm in a better state of mind.

ej office

going to quiapo later to buy that colin farrel flick i saw.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

someone died!

someone died and i could sort of see his guts on the pale concrete. scary. very scary. to think i was eating when i saw it. i was on my way to the office when everyone inside rushed out and when i asked them what it was, they said someone died. he was wearing blue and i could see him from the third floor. such a waste of life. i wonder what he was like. i wonder if he knew God. i wonder if he's with Him right now.

sfogs.com

it's creepy. it's horrible. it'll make you go insane. there was a picture from the ej photoshoot proofs that i had my eyes closed. it was scary because i was staring at it for about thirty seconds. i was looking at my nose, i think or something else. but then something strange happened. some sort of ancient voodoo that somehow managed to escape into the camera and now i'm afraid. afraid that something might happen to me. help me please! if you know what to do about this, post a comment on this post. please help!


not enough vitamins.

i swear. there's not enough vitamins in the world to convince my father that i am not about to die any minute now. sure, i've got a massive case of tonsillitis and my voice is barely recognizable. add the fact that i've got the sniffles and feel horrible in the morning. but i'm in no grave danger. it's scary. i was about to leave when he asked me if i ate breakfast. i had no time so i didn't and so i told him that. he asked if i took my vitamins and i didn't respond. i just took off my shoes-ies and got a glass of water. i took a large centrum thinking that he'd be satisfied. (centrum complete!) but it wasn't enough. he made me drink a whole assortment of other drugs, among them 1000 grams (or was it mg) of Vitamin C. but the thing is, i've heard it was dangerous to take above 500! i used to take 250 a day. at the back of centrum, it said it already had vitamin c. so right now, in this moment, i've got 1060 grams of vitamin C flowing in my veins. scary. i could die now.

it's 7 am and i want to congratulate... me! for getting to school almost on time. :D

Monday, November 8, 2004

malamig.

malamig ang comptech lab. masakit na ang daliri ko dahil nagfreeze na yung blood sa tips niya. habang nagtytype ako, sobrang masakit na ang kamay ko.

my first tagalog post!

hi comptech majors! hello beans, ange, joel boel, yco, chacha, and lupac (oo pati si lupac!)

comptech blues

yet another posting session in the computer lab. it's so boring. we aren't doing anything. crappers! i can't believe i left my regform at home. actually, i really don't know where it is.

the EJ proof came out this morning and it's so delish. can't wait till it actually comes out.

Friday, November 5, 2004

sad.

she's not pregnant and i'm glad. i thought she was pregnant.

i don't know why i'm the least bit affected. it's not like i fathered that fictitious child. she could've had it aborted. was she lying when she said it was a false alarm. did she?

what is abortion anyway? is it for convenience? is it necessary if you're not ready to have kids? since when is it possible to be ready for sex but not ready for children. you fuck to have kids. you don't fuck for pleasure. its like the pleasure you get is the by product but what you're really doing is making a child. you don't fornicate to get pleasure. your baby is not a by-product. i hate myself for thinking this way. i know it's so not cool. i hate myself because i know i'm not really in any position to be saying this. those close to me know why i shouldn't say anything.

till next time.

Monday, November 1, 2004

samson got a better haircut... and i bet it didn't come with a suicidal epiphany

Have you ever been blue? Have you ever been kicked when you’re down? Have you ever felt inadequate? Have you ever felt like your greatest effort will never compare to what is expected of you? I have and it feels like hell.

It started out innocently enough. Just a haircut that’s been long overdue. I hate haircuts. They make me nervous and uneasy. Plus, they never turn out the way I want it to. I’ve been to several salons but they were all closed due to the national holiday. My mind was set on the fact that tomorrow, I had to go to UST to layout the paper. I finally decided to go to SM North to do my business. I figured, you guys are in the mall! How bad could it be?

We went to this gawd-awful place called Gwapong Ricky Reyes and at first, the haircut looked good until it started looking like my hair in high school. It was horrible and they made it stand on one end. I wanted to die. I wanted to crawl under my bed. I wanted to turn back time and make it my hair the way it was before. Dark, careless, wicked... it made me look dark and smart and creative. I am a writer.

They stuck me with this haircut that was so horrible, it could’ve been Satan’s. It’s long and short in all the wrong places! I just want to kill myself. All my fears came to life when Teppy, Carlo, and Francis could not express how they felt. They were fumbling, trying to come up with the right words. The first few minutes of my hair were greeted with gasps and bursts of laughter. I wanted to die. I seriously wanted to run back to the salon and shave my head.

When I got home, I told Jenny I was going to take a bath before layouting since she was using the laptop. I told her I was going to play with my new hair with the new hair wax I bought. I wanted to find my angle… my look. She told me not to because it would make me gay. If I didn’t style it, I’d look like a fucking dork but noooooo, I had to leave it be if I didn’t want to be a stinking homosexual. I was left with nothing. All I had was my hair. I felt like Samson. All my strength was out. I lay in bed in complete silence until Teppy came and I had to tell her about it. I was a bit upset with her laughing at first but at least she wasn’t mean like Jenny. She genuinely made me feel better. I told her everything. Everything I was ashamed to mention. Everything I thought of but could not say. How do you think I feel when people tell me I look so different from my sisters? How do you think I feel when people call me fat or ugly or when I’m likened to Allan K? How do you think I feel when people call me dark or pug-nosed? How do you think I feel knowing that I’ve got the worst of both parents. I’m dark and I’ve got a bulbous nose. All I had vying for me was my careless hair and now that it’s gone... I don’t know what to do anymore. I am weak. I am afraid. I am ashamed. I am suicidal.

It’s just hair but what is hair really? Just a bunch of stuff at the top of your head? It defines you. It makes you you. I don’t think this new hair expresses the kind of person I am inside and if I wanted to at least make my situation just a liiiitle bit better, I’d be gay for trying. Damn, this is complicated.

To make me feel better, Teppy showed me something from her sorority. One of her sisters said that I was cute. In a small way, I did feel better. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m not ugly. Maybe I’m still that awkward duckling. While I’m waiting for the transformation, I guess I’ll just have to content myself to wallowing and fight off these suicidal tendencies.