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I don't look a thing like Jesus but I talk like a gentleman.

Friday, October 29, 2004

<3s are broken everyday pt.1

i've been avoiding this. i know i've got to do it eventually though. i've been doing a lot of self-psychosis again and rethinking my whole standpoint of abortion. i used to be pro-choice because i figured a woman's liable for what she does to her body. but when you're in that situation... when you find your choices getting smaller and smaller as days go by... you don't think like a rational person anymore.

fast forward to about several days later. i'm back at home... my dad's here after about a year of in absentia. i miss him.

it's 8:45 am, and i just got back from aero. that boxer is an aero rockstar... woohoo! i decided to write down all the aero instructors for your reading pleasure

these guys go on shifts. the first group on certain days and the second every other day. this week, the duo is on mwf...

the duo:
the first dude is a guy who seriously needs a makeover. he's balding and probably's in his mid forties considering his looks are a flashback from the eighties. he enjoys cooling down and warming up but his exercise moves are out of beat and seriously cheesy. he likes wearing pek-pek shorts and saying mabuhay...

the second is a guy who i've nicknamed boxer. he is an aero-taebo rockstar! i love him! everybody does! he's so great at whipping up the group into shape. he's considerate and tells us what part to focus on. he likes chatting with the pervy woman who exaggerates her movements.

neither one of them can speak a decent english word...

the sexual preference trio:
the first guy looks like pabbles from church... this dark guy who sings in our church. he's a gay, pumped-up version of pabbles. before, i thought the girl was screaming woooohoooo but as i found out later on, it was him. he enjoys wearing that yellow sando that looks like it too was from the eighties. could it be that he and the balding guy share the same taste for cheesy clothes?

the second is a girl who's a bit masculine with her tattoos. she's pretty boring.

the third is a dike who i'm still not sure of. is he a he or is she a she? waaaaah!

i'm tired. i'll tell you all about the abortion post that got disconnected in a while...

ps. they bought a digital camera in duty free for under $100. it's cool...

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

like water for chocolate

good book. i read it within one day. i picked it up and never put it down.

so my one year search for the dvd ended today. after searching high and low, i finally found it in this place called video 45. i had to pay P500 as a refundable deposit which i can get when i return it. to my horrors, it was a bootleg copy. amazing how one pirated dvd can elude you for so long. i watched it and it was sooooooo horrible. marco leonardi who was a god in cinema paradiso could not act for shit. i guess marco fans only like it for the thirty second shot of his peepee (omg, did i just say peepee?) horrible movie. it was so depressing how i've searched far and wide for this movie only to find it now and in such horrible light. the sound was cheesy. i felt like i was stuck in a mexican telanovela. the girl looked like an uuuugleeee version of vanessa carlton and paula cole. lots of the important elements from the book somehow got cut out. i said "laura esquivel must be pissed off right now" and then i found out she did the screenplay and i was like.. grrr.....

so that was it... bought a prescripto cologne this afternoon. was considering hugo boss or clinique happy for men. i figured happy was just too common. hugo boss smells generic... wonder if fake perfume has pheromones.

declining morals

another friend got pregnant. it's so fucking depressing. whatever happened to the times when using a condom was rule no. 1? i mean, i grew up with this person... we've shared secrets and marmalade and cheesedogs and now, gawd... i feel awful.

does going with her to buy special "medicine" in quiapo make me an accessory to the crime?

another depressed post. but this one's got a better ending.

it's 11:55 PM, no matter what the time this blog post says it is. it's getting pretty late and i'll be in bed for a while but not until i unload all this emotional baggage.

i can't explain it well... i tried... see: (w8, you'll see it verbatim in a minute)

i was talking to kuya mark (HI!) and i guess i just felt so bad about jenny and pepper and how they were mad at grace for the comments she made on how i looked. i closed the YM windows before this so i wasn't able to get all of the conversation but it was just me making him vow not to say anything.

mark: sure!
m: bakit ba?
pugnosedfreakazoid: hehehe... mahaba haba tong story...
p: nagsimula dun sa 2nd sunday na nagturo ako
p: nung saturday, nagstay ako dun sa house nung isa kong ate
p: tapos nagdecide kami ni teppy na di na kami uuwi
p: so nangyari, yung suot ko nung saturday, suot ko ulit nung sunday
p: saya diba?
p: anyways... nakita ako ni grace
p: alam ko naman na di pang church ung clothes ko... pero wala na talaga akong choice
p: naka shorts ako at t-shirt
p: tapos sabi ni grace, kala daw nya babae ako
p: di ko alam kung bakit
p: baka may sakit sya sa mata
p: hehehe
p: tapos di ko nalang pinansin
p: nung kumakain kami that day, kinwento ko sa mga kapatid ko
p: wala lang.. medyo asar ako kay grace pero di ako galit
p: tapos nagalit ung mga kapatid ko kay grace!
p: sobrang... galit na di mo maintindihan
p: to the point na pinagtatakpan ko na si grace pag nagkikita kami
p: pag nasa church kami, tinatanong nila lagi kung saan si grace
p: parang susugurin na yata nila
p: scary diba
p: ako naman, i dont need them to fight my battles kasi naasar ako pero di naman ako na offend
p: siguro okay nga yun because it taught me to dress more properly sa church
p: haba na nito ha... tuloy ko parin...
p: lagi silang warmode kay grace
p: tapos ako naman, parang bakit? e diba kung may magagalit, dpat ako na un...
p: i begged them not to tell anybody
p: pero nung sunday, kinausap ni grace si teppy
p: tapos tinanong ako ni teppy kung si grace ba un
p: sabi ko oo (kanina lang nya tinanong)
p: tapos sobrang naawa ako kay grace dahil kung ano ano sinasabi nila about her e di naman nila xa kilala
p: im stuck in the middle
p: ayoko sila magalit kay grace kasi kahit papano friend ko na siya... kulit nga nun magtext eh
p: pero parang nanumbalik ung galit nila kasi nung sunday, may sinabi sakin si grace
p: may another girl from church na tinatanong kung babae ba daw ako
p: eto nanaman tayo
p: ewan ko ba... di naman ako mukhang baabe. ang pangit kong babae! hehehe
p: e kinwento ko sa friend ko sa phone
p: tapos naoverhear ni jenny
p: pinagusapan nila ni pepper tapos
p: WARMODE ulit!
p: feeling ko malapit na nila xiyang awayin... for no good reason naman...
p: baka pahiyain nila un or something
p: natatakot ako
p: kasi baka gawin nila un tapos magalit si grace... tapos di man lang ako makakapagexplain
p: kung pwede ko lang ireformat ung brains nila para di na nila maalala....
p: im caught in the middle and gusto ko nang sumigaw!!! mali yung ginagawa nila... kasi hello... diba... of all places, sa simbahan ba dw maghanap ng gulo... pero i can't really blame them kasi kahit papano, may reason naman... di ko alam eh
p: ano ba naiisip mo?
m: hmm..ganona?
m: ang haba nga..
m: hehehe
m: oo nga wats the point magalit eh ikaw nga ndi ka naman nagalit..
m: at saka akala lang naman eh
m: dba.. shes a human din nagkakamali..
m: at saka sa tingin ko pabiro lang un
m: kilala ko un.. nagbibiro lang un
m: hehehe
p: i think may halong biro pero not exactly... di ko alam kung pano ko sasabihin kay grace na wag nalang nya muna kausapin yung mga kapatid ko...
p: i feel so stupid... para akong mama's boy pero di mama... ate's boy... haaaaayyyy... ang gulo ng mundo!
m: hehe
m: ganon..
p: buti nga wala pang confrontation na nagaganap pero malapit na...
m: wag naman sana ganon..
p: if u were in my position... what would you do?
p: sabagay, mahirap kasi panganay ka eh... bunso ako...
m: hmm..
m: edi explain ko na wag na lang nilang ganunin.. kc ok lang naman sa akin eh
m: tapos instead of them na magconfront.. ikaw na lang
m: sabihin mo ayaw mo ung ganong biro.. dba?!
p: oo nga...
p: shucks
p: hehehe
p: parang ang simple pag ikaw nagsasabi
p:
we're not worthy!!!!!!!
p: hehehe
m: hehe..
m: ganon??!
p: siguro nga i just have to talk to her...
m: syemps.. ndi ko pa rin talaga kung ano ung nararamdaman mo..
m: pagpray nyo na lang masmabuti pa
p: hehehe... nakakalimutan ko na nga eh...
p: pero promise... di talaga ako ung tao na nagdadamdam
m: yeah
m: at pagpray mo muna b4 you talk to her
p: kaya nashoshock ako dun sa mga nangyayari... masyado akiong... anong word un
p: ummm.... ung ano
p: ung hinahayaan mo nalang...
p: antonym ng active
m: ahhh.. dats gud..
m: hehe
p: hmmm....
m: ahhh
p: inactive? hindi eh....
p: parang may letter s
m: pero minsan ndi rin dapat ganon lagi..
m: minsan u nid to confront din
p: ganun ba?
p: hmmm...
p: i never thought of it that way
p: di kasi ako palaaway eh... ehhehehe
p: passive! ayun, naalala ko na
p: uy, thanks talaga ha... u dont know how much you've helped me just by listening (or reading)
p: iggreet kita sa blog ko...
p: i agree about the "sometimes u need to confront people" thing
m: hehehe
m: ei BRB..
m: taposin ko muna ung gawain ko
m: be back
p: sure... sorry ang sagabal ko!
m: ahh
m: syemps para malaman nya rin na mali na sya dba??!
m: cge BRB..
p: okie
m: il buZZ u n lang
p: yufffff
m: ndi ok lang
m: hehehe

oh crap, ran out of internet... i'll just edit this when i'm not using our vibe account... anyways, i'm just so glad he was there. he even took out time from his job just to listen to me. i thought it was so nice. soooo nice and i guess i'm still reeling because i can't believe how clear it all is now it's super clear. i can't believe it. thanks kuya mark. you don't know how happy i am...

i should pray tonight. i should because it's right. i should because i haven't in a while. i should.

i'm not a man. i'm still a boy and there are times when people feel like they need to interfere with my affairs. i love my sisters for what they're doing. i know that it's for me, whatever war they're waging. but still, i cant help but feel like i'm caught in the middle.

thank God, my download just finished. i've been downloading white houses for fifty million hours now. it's such a cute song. here are the lyrics.

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
This bungalow alone with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's til the end
Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's black leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep
In white houses

i'm not sure if these lyrics are accurate though. i especially like the line when she says "when she dances, she goes and goes" and she really is dancing ala-courtesan in the video...

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

it's irrational for one person to be this excited.


i love it. i want it. give it to me NOW!

don't you just love how beyonce just popped in? kelly looks like a man, as always. michelle's so pretty.

CD wish list for (ahem ahem) christmas: obviously, that plus the new vanessa carlton album. i also want the jewel christmas disc i've been looking for so long! plus liz phair and the new gwen disc. aaargh! so much cds so little money!

puto bumbong induced migraine

i ate too much puto bumbongs and now i've got a migraine.

i watched god is good and i'm not just a while ago. it's a cute movie, albeit feel-good but not really what i expected. anyways, my so-called day off from layouting is such bullshit. i'm stuck at home listening to my (NEW!) switchfoot album and layouting the guest articles. oh crap.

ugh... i'm so sleepy but i can't go to bed. the sun's up and it doesn't make me happy. hmmm...

Monday, October 25, 2004

at the center of learning (what is it pt. 2?)

i'm at the EJ office right now and i'm feeling a bit possessed. they're going over the small corrections i made yesterday for the features and r&d department. i feel stupid.

this is stupid and contagious...smells like teen spirit

hi einj! are you reading this? hi!

Sunday, October 24, 2004

depressed...

if you were in love with a person who felt nothing for you, what would you do? if you felt this person deep in your heart... if you were seeing her, smelling her, breathing her essence and yet she felt total apathy for you, what would you do? if she was so heartbreakingly beautiful both inside and out and she asked you to stick around as to not hurt your feelings, how would you react? how would you continue to love her even if you knew she was just being nice...

why do i love her? why doesn't she love me back? why do i feel jealous of him when she's told me a million times that i've got nothing to worry about. he loves her. he does and he's not making any moves on my behalf. what if they were meant for each other? i've often seen that extra glimmer in her eyes when she speaks out his name... bryan. bryan... it's so lovely when she says it. nyl... nyl... when you say my name i hear nothing special in your voice.

you belong together. we don't. i don't know how i can tell you. i can't find the right words. i feel like those times you told me you missed me, you were just being nice. you were holding on for that tiny glimmer of bryan that you couldn't find in me. was it his style? was it his speech? for the many parts of our relationship, i had prayed you would find it. i wanted to be more like him. i really did. but now i know i'm just fooling myself. i'm pretending that you like me for me and not the man i try to be when you're around. yes, i love you and no, you don't love me. stop pretending. stop all this nonsense.

it's like that uber cheesy song from the eighties... i don't have the heart to hurt you. it's the last thing i wanna do. but i don't have the heart to love you. not the way you want me to... i wanna tell you to stop this charades. stop before any of us truly gets hurt but i just don't have the right words... i never had the balls to prove i loved you and now i don't have the balls to tell you i don't.

we lack chemistry. we lack luster. we lack this:

this is a poem i wrote in church this morning. it's for my ex. this is what i miss.

Kiss the sun to feel the heat
Know that it's bodily warmth you seek
Your fingers caress my body with each touch
Know that I've never felt so much

Embrace the moon and spin like a wheel
Confusing all the dreams from what is real
These opiate eyes that hold so much laughter
Remember it's bodily bliss we're after

Swallow the stars and never feel hunger
Dwell on the points that we carelessly pondered
Get lost in the moon and its incandescent light
Forget all your worries, fears, and frights

there. i've said my piece. when i feel that for you. when i feel that longingness that only happens when you return my feelings... that's when i'll know its right.. it's too much to ask of you. i just hope i have the balls to say this to you in person.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

after fifty million years nanaman!

wow... i've been so into my work as a staffer that i've neglected my blog! gasp!!!

well, let me give you a recap of what happened these past few days.

last tuesday, i got to school at about 9:20 and there was nobody inside. i was so friggin bored that i sat outside the office door and started working right then and there. debbie finally arrived at about 10-ish and we fiddled around the EJ's table of contents a little more. a little tweak here and there and voila, it's purrrrfect!

i was trying really hard not to do so many things because i didn't want to step on other people. it's just that i get this feeling that i know i can do better than what has already been done and i just soooooo want this edition of EJ to be uber special... i guess sometimes i just get too loaded. i was actually afraid that i might hurt kuya rhyan's feelings. i mean i'm not saying his cover for the EJ wasn't good. it's just that it lacked the maturity (or immaturity) that i felt was the overall guide to the new look. we had to discard all of the signs of the old EJs and his cover reminded me of all the other EJs. it had to go.

so i made a new one. it was a corkboard and there was tape and everything. post it reminders and diskettes and polaroids of food that we like. anyways, they didn't really like it but i found a way for us to use it. it's going to be on page 3 (page 1 is the cover) where kuya erwin's message regarding the new look will appear.

also, i heard that ate phoebe was sort of making tampo because she felt like her powers were being underminded. in reality, all this layouting and image manipulation i'm doing is supposed to be her job as arts editor but since i have a laptop and the skills to do it, i took the job. i never meant to step on other people. i hope that's clear.

we went to the publishing house and everyone was peachy and fun (plastic?). we went home at mga 7 but not after we stood outside the pub house (no dirty thoughts!) for a good ten minutes just saying goodbye. i really felt bonded. i wasn't going to get my clearnance today because we were supposed to have a pictorial with dominic james on thursday and i wanted to have long-ish hair. but since everything got moved and my enrolment is on saturday, i'm considering getting my hair cut.

if i don't get it cut, i can't enrol or do anything for that matter. my enrolment is on saturday and my only chance for me to have long hair during enrolment is if i have someone else get my clearance. who's willing to do that? hmmm... who can i convince?

anyways, that was so last week. everything got sorted out. if you're wondering why my chronos is so fucked up, its because i stopped writing this post and now i'm back.

so this has been what's happening these past few days. on thursday and friday, we layouted stuff for the paper. it's really shaping up now. what was disappointing though, and i don't mean no disrespect, was that most of the articles were crap. i mean i didn't read the features articles yet but after reading several r&d artciles, i just wanted to wallow in all the crap... i've been editing articles all night and i just don't know if i'm stepping into any new feet again. aaargh! i swear i'm quitting EJ. i'm trying out for the varsitarian. though they too have crappy articles, at least it would look better on my resume! (if you're an EJ staffer and you're reading this, think of it as our little secret :D)

still a bit worried about kim, the EJ ghost. on my post above, i said i sat outside the door at 9:20. ryan called the office at 9 and a girl named kim answered the phone. creepy... not only was there i the first to get there at 9:20, the doors were locked and the aircon was closed. it was impossible for someone to be in there. creepy... really creepy...

we had enrolment this morning. i arrived at 7, hoping to be finished by about 8-ish so that i could go home and layout EJ. i finished at about 11 and i had to go to the dean's office. my horrors! i didn't have my hair cut. charisse got my clearance c/o a letter from my (air-quotes) "mother" and so i eradicated the need for a haircut. thankfully, father (roy) wasn't there and i wore a cap just to be safe.

ate debbie and i have been eating at this cool place in piy margal. wala lang, just felt like it needed mentioning.

i'm still a little scared of monds. i dunno. must be my fear of bald/semi-bald men who are taller than me. he's nice. seems nice, if ever he isn't. ate debbie told me how they met and i smiled (politely but smiled nonetheless). it was a cute story about forever living products that i don't think is interesting enough to bear mention here.

gawd... back to editing. i swear. i hope i don't violate any people. it's just that everything's so wrong! some errors are not grammatical in nature but they just have a weird way of writing things. i'm afraid to step into other people's shoes. i am. but i still do the things i do. gawd... can i just die now?

went to chapi and i bought amelie, this other french movie from the girl in amelie, mean girls (vvg!) and y tu mama to replace the copy that alpha lost. i figured i'd rather buy a new one than make him kulit about it. also bought alter bridge (creed with a new singer) and a special edition of my latest fave - keane. but it wasn't working so i probably need to go back ASAP.

Friday, October 22, 2004

after fifty million years

i didn't go to aero today... feel kinda sad that i wasn't able to go. i've been working on a really long post that highlights these past few days but i still haven't posted it yet. i'm here at the EJ office working for the layout. it's really purrrrty... got loads of help from all the EJ staffers! till next time!

Monday, October 18, 2004

i <3 puto bung-bongs! (at the center of learning pt.2)

hi freaky folks! i just got home from such a hectic day! let's start at the very beginning because... it's a very good place to start!

in the morning, carlo's insessant calling woke me up at about five am. i have a special profile on my cellphone for when i'm sleeping. there is no message alert tone so it only vibrates but the ringing tone is set to the highest volume. that way, when people call my cel to wake me up, they'll do so. but this particular morning, i wasn't supposed to be up that early. i finally got up and i called him up and i was surprised he wasn't prepping up or anything. he was just there, content to waking me up i guess..

cameron came along. no, not from myspace. he was my classmate in high school. after aero, he and i jogged a bit. then we went home and i went to school...

today was jem's last day in our house. she left for cavite this morning and she texted me this afternoon. she was probably bored. it was a cheesy prank. she texted me "hi, this is jasmine trias, can i be your textmate?" which reminded me of the prank we played on her when we were kids when we called the house from our neighbor's place to ask if she could be our phonepal. she bit the bait and we were laughing hysterically.

when i got to the EJ office, kuya rhyan, ate dich, cyrus, and ate debbie were all there. kuya erwin was also there too but i didnt see him when i got there. we layouted(?) all day long. actually, no. we chatted all morning amidst corrections and hurried deadlines. when it was time for lunch, we went to kenny rogers looking for the P199 chicken. the place was packed so we went next door to mcdonald's. the place was soooo hot and we all felt like eating chikinjoy! so we went across the street to jollibee and we ate to our heart's content. on the staircase, we saw a painting of different joliibee food against a cubist background. we got the idea for our table of contents with this. when it's through, i'll post it here, okay?

so at about 6-ish to 7-ish, we decided to go home. monds, ate (d)ebbie's boyfriend was downstairs and i wasn't really worried about the laptop in my bag or anything until they talked me into getting scared silly. ate ebbie said she wanted monds and her to wait for me till i got a ride home. kuya monds said it's dangerous and that he doesn't want me to get held up like what happened to him before. i got scared and i hurriedly rode an fx bound for SM north. i had to take two rides. i felt kind of rude since i really left early and hurried. i wonder if they thought i was rude.

in sm north, i contemplated on buying a mister donut. i instead bought a puto bung-bong in the city hall tiangge. it was so delicious. after eating dinner, i called ate ebbie to make sure i wasn't rude or anything. this day is so productive. hope there can be more like it.

current worry: the dominic james P35,000 sponsored photography shoot is on thursday and i still can't do situps due to my tailbone injury.

DAMN YOU ROLLERSKATES! DAMN YOU!!!

i <3 puto bung-bongs!
heart, nyl :D

at the center of learning pt.1

this morning, aero was a lot of fun. i really didn't finish it since me and cam (yes, he went along) decided to go jogging.

right now, i'm at the ej office. i can't really talk too much since i'm using official ej time on the net. sorry! :D

Sunday, October 17, 2004

QuickKwiz : Bloggers' Quiz - What Is Your Best Sexual Skill

Hahaha! So true except that I'm a bad flirt and I'm a better kisser!

by the way, i changed the name down there. it used to carry my whole name which i don't really reveal to everyone i meet!




What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Name:
Age:
Sex:
Sexuality:
Flirting Skill Level - 94%






























Kissing Skill Level - 58%






























Cudding Skill Level - 42%






























Sex Skill Level - 84%






























Why They Love You You know exactly what they want.
Why They Hate You You are too sexy.
This quiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 862563 Times.

sunday school fiasco. no <3s today.

Today, I seriously reconsidered my calling as a teacher. Seldom times have I doubted that this was the way God wanted me to go. It was as if He purposely led me to go there as His servant. The reason why I didn't get into any other colleges because this was the way He planned me to go. But today... today of all days... is the day that I seriously rethought my position.

I set my alarm last night for 5:30 AM. I wanted to start the day early with a quick jog and then be back home by 7 to get ready for church. Lola gave me some Ben Gay for my back last night so I was sure I'd feel better. But I woke up and I wasn't any better. I slept through the morning and woke up at 8 – thirty minutes before we were expected in church. There wasn't any water and mom was taking a bath in the ground floor bathroom. It was the only bathroom that had running water. I ate breakfast, my back still hurting. I felt so stressed out. Not only did I not go jogging, I would probably also be late for school. I was getting fatter by the minute after I raided the bag of Choc Nut that mom bought yesterday. I haven't done sit-ups for about a week and a half today. Before, I felt too lazy to do sit-ups at the rate that I was going before. Now, I physically can't do that anymore. It's like when I finally got my reason to stop exercising, I wanted to start again. Physical, emotional, spiritual stress all abound. I just wanted to give up. I know, I'm such a drama king. Shoot me.

Ruth (Mark's sister) texted me that she was tambourine-ing in the 10:30 service as well and she was leaving her class to me and Grace.

So after mom, I told Tep to go take a bath first since it's not really a big deal for me to go to the 8:45 service in church. Unlike her, I didn't have to teach Sunday School at that hour (My schedule was at 10:30). After her, I let Jem (my cousin who's staying over) bathe first since she was a girl (and today, chivalry is dead). While she was in the bathroom, mom was busting my balls for being too slow and not taking a bath right away. After about ten more minutes of insistent nagging, she and Teppy finally went to church without me and Jem. About fifteen minutes later, me and Jem went to church. The sermon was a bit too preach-y for my taste. Pastor Roy was the speaker and he's the pastor that least appeals to me. I guess his style really isn't for the young.

So I threw my back yesterday, right? I promised myself I wouldn't lift any kids. I promised myself I wouldn't bend so much (to not add any more stress to my back). Grace had to teach the bigger kids because their teacher had gone tambourine-ing too. I was left all alone to the mercy of about twenty preschoolers. I was a bit extra ornery because of my back. All the kids started to play. One of the kids even cried and I had to carry her to Grace. She was a girl and I couldn't reach her. She wouldn't even face me. I just wanted to die! GOD! Shoot me now! Some of the yayas were saying "Saan yung teacher?" (Where's the teacher?) and I wanted to go "You're looking at him" but something told me I was far from these kids' teacher. I was just the assistant and I couldn't shape them up. There were no chairs, no tables to support their learning. The room was a pit of accidents with their low shelves and power sockets everywhere within the children's reach. I knew I was so not meant to be a teacher. I just wanted to run away. When Ruth finally came, she took away the older kids and left the younger kids with me. Eliza, the preschool teacher was M-I-A this week again. I didn't know what to do. I had to deal with the kids one by one, especially this one kid named Princess who was about 2. She was quite the bothersome pest and she always went near the power sockets. About fifteen times, I just stopped and rethought my obligations. Was I supposed to be a teacher? Why couldn't I shape these kids up? Why didn't they listen to me? Why do some of them throw toys at me (yes, they did). Why are some of them afraid of me? I just didn't know what to do. My back was killing me and I wanted to lie down but I couldn't. Not now that there were about three moms and five yayas watching me. I prepared a story but I doubt if they would've listened to me since some of them could not even speak yet. I just stood there, babysitting them. I couldn't help but pick some of them up (bending and lifting – two absolute no-no's) just to stop them from walking out the door. I doubt if they'll be back again. I'm not a teacher. I doubt if I'll ever be the kind of teacher who commands respect and gets results. I was the inefficient teacher. I am the teacher your parents warned you about. I am evil.

I wanted to shoot myself right then and there. The vocation I was so passionate about... the vocation I was convinced I was called for... the vocation I thought God intended for me... it was staring me in the face and I couldn't do anything. About thirty minutes before service was to end, Sis Phoebe (pronounced Febi) went inside to teach them about Zacchaeus and how he climbed up a tree. When she used to do this, I thought "I could do this!". Now, I stared at this septuagenarian and wondered how the hell she was doing what she was doing. I wanted to die. My back wanted to give up.

Grace looked at me after all this and asked me if I was okay. I tried to explain to Ruth and Sis Cecile (Ruth and Mark's mum) about how I fell seven times yesterday and never quite recovered but I just felt like an idiot -- an idiot with no calling for educating the youth. I didn't know what to tell Grace. There was absolutely no excuse for what just happened and I guess that was the most awful thing I had to face.

nyl :c

Saturday, October 16, 2004

chivalry is dead.

chivalry is dead. (mona lisa smile inspired)

is it really? I've asked myself this question so many times. there are times when I'm bombarded with all these feminist ideas on how guys should treat girls. girls can do anything guys can and no special treatment should be given. but why is it that in the mrt or in the bus, we're always expected to give up our seat? people frown upon the able bodied man who sits down when a middle-aged lady with five shopping bags is hanging on to her life. who knows the story of either individual. maybe the guy has been standing all day. maybe she has been sitting all her life and so standing up is rest for her. people don't think that anymore. they just assume the guy is some male chauvinist pig who's so into himself that he doesn't care about anyone else, women especially. there was one time I walked around makati for about an hour and all I wanted was to sit down in the mrt. but when I got there, after a few stations, I just had this weird feeling that I wanted to give my seat up. I did, actually, and my feet hurt even more.

so really, is chivalry dead? or does it die when girls want it to? there was a time when men were thought of as a higher gender. after a while, women fought for equal footing. there's no harm in that, really. I think it's quite commendable for someone to fight back under pressure. but for these same women to look back after a few years and say that men are the weaker sex, I think that's crazy. they're guilty of the same crime that they so lovingly accused our entire gender of. why is it that they once said men and women are equal and now they turn around and say men are idiots. idiotic chauvinist pigs. I think that's just plain crazy.

why are women like this? they expect us to give up our chair and never assert our rights. after watching mona lisa smile, I finally got my answer. after so many years of oppression, these women finally fought back. it's fine. perfect... peachy ... fine... but what was funny was women were the same people who enforced these crooked ideals. wasn't it a woman who said to Julia Roberts to not be so liberal. wasn't it a woman who wrote all those crooked things about the same women who fought for their rights

chivalry is dead. yeah right. more of men are too stupid to notice that chivalry dies when women want it to.

wow, this is getting pretty long. did anybody see house of flying daggers? horrible movie with a pathetic excuse for a plot. all the acting skills of the actors and actresses went straight to the pooper. how many times must zhang zi yi die and then resurrect? anyways, I think that movie is the perfect example of the two faces of women. zhang zi yi kicks ass. she's supposedly blind and she kicks several men's asses (some even simultaneously) but then she gets rescued by takeshi kaneshiro and then suddenly, everything's jello. she reverts into this weakling kitty I'm-so-in-love with you gooey eyed girl. she is after all still a girl. a girl who may think she wants chivalry to die. a girl who may think that men are the weaker sex. but at the end of the day, she is still a girl and at the sight of a man who can dominate her reverts to her original state. woman was made this way, I hope. otherwise, she's been working extra hard for everyone else, including the future generations to learn this.

call me a pompous pug(nosedfreakazoid?). call me a chauvinist pig. call me anything you like but I'm just a man who's speaking my mind. maybe I'm a little extra ornery. my tailbone still hurts. aaaah!

The number of the day is seven.

kuya mark gave me a testimonial too after i wrote him one yesterday. hahaha... friendly friends in church! :D but that's not what i wanted to write about.

The number of the day is seven.

Let me tell you why in a while. First, I'll tell you how awful my day started. I got up at about 5:30. I was ready by quarter to six. Just then, I remembered that I hadn't called Carlo to wake him up. About half an hour later, I was still at home, waiting impatiently. I just wanted to bash in his head. I was so weary of waiting that I went outside to perhaps meet him but after about five minutes of standing there like a fool (even though he said he left tem minutes ago), he still wasn't there. When we did get to aero, the lady didn't charge us entrance anymore since there were only fifteen minutes left -- fifteen minutes of cooling down when I didn't even break a sweat. It's sooooo annoying. I resolved to never wait for him again. Don't guys usually take five minutes to get ready? I mean, I thought my grooming time was a bit excessive but when you go running at six in the morning, people don't expect you to be oil-free. They won't check out your hair or your clothes. They expect you to be there, running, giving it at least a little bit of effort.

What was more annoying was he wasn't the least bit remorseful. We just walked in silence without uttering a word to one another. We jogged, we walked, we ran... what I couldn't stand was when I was tired, he would slow down, too. Your workout should be tailored to your personal capabilities and limitations. I wanted to leave him but he was much faster than me. Half the time, I just wanted to go home. I'm not as tough as I expected though since I stuck around anyway. After a few laps, I decided to drink juice since I was sweating like a hog. (do hogs sweat?) I was wearing a blue jacket to sweat more. We were walking while drinking and he was doing small talk. He talked about stupid things until we reached the roller skating rink. I was in a pretty bad mood so when he said he wanted to go skating, I went along. Never in a million years would I have tried that had I been sane or even remotely aware of what I was getting into. I mean, they make it look so easy in the movies, I was almost positively sure that it couldn't be THAT hard. Well, it wasn't THAT hard, it was THIS FUCKING HARD. I fell hard on my ass seven times. SEVEN TIMES! That's seven times too many. It's not the cutesy-pootsy fall that you see on TV when they're holding on to each other and she falls with utmost grace. No, this is tactless, poise-less, shameless, and unadulterated sitting-down-while-in-mid-air-then-finally-falling-on-your-stupid-fat-ass kind of falling. I was airborne for half the time! I couldn't just pick up and leave since I only had P20 and Carlo lent me the money to get in so it was really embarrassing if I just picked up and left, right? We had to stay for an hour, much to the delight of the not so innocent bystanders. At first, I could really get it. I would skate for a while, wobble, and then skate again. Plus, there was the occasional fall that knocked the wind out of me. And as if things couldn't get worse, two prepubescent girls (one was about 5 and the other 8) were there, skating (one was even rollerblading) as if it was the easiest thing. One of them even said "Kuya, mas magaling pa yung kapatid kong baby pa kaysa sa'yo!" (My baby sibling can do better than that!) I wanted to die. For P50 (per hour), I gave up my pride and dignity. For roughly $1, you can buy my pride. It was soooooo annoying.

So while skating, things between me and Carlo were starting to be better. We talked and I even forgot that he made me wait so long. Right after, I said "let's run all the way to the food plaza and then walk the rest home" That was the last I saw of him. I ran and he wasn't there. I'm still not sure if he got home aight or if the old gay matrona who was psssst-ing me is Sodomizing him now. I sure hope not.

So folks, remember the number of the day. 7. 7 times. I fell on my ass 7 times. 7 times too many. 7 times that I will never have back. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I know of a certain tailbone who needs icing. Does anyone know the symptoms of a sprained tailbone? OW! JEEZ!!! uuuuughhhh...

Friday, October 15, 2004

something awful happened

my last post didn't appear in the listing! argh! after all that... :( anyways, i'm not particularly swayed and i'll tell my story again. hopefully, it'll have more structure this time.

i hope it appears anyway... if it does, at least this post is more detailed in the explanation of the movies.

the festival is called pelicula pelikula and we went to the first screening which was at two. the movie was called ana y los otros (ana and the others) and it was the most gawdawful movie ever. i think the only movie that compares to it is mano po (which was an insult to the filipino and chinese race, both of which i am partially a part of). it was watching ana come home from buenos aires and basically borderline stalking her boyfriend. it was soooooo boring. when she finally meets the guy after 80 minutes of total boredom, the end credits role and i swear i just could not believe it. i was like "are u sure it's over? maybe we should stick around till the credits end!" they did and so did the movie. it was 80 minutes of my life that i wasted and shall never get back again.

the good thing was we had about an hour or so to burn before the next flick so i was able to eat in popeye's with carlo and go shopping. was able to buy a cute soundtrack mp3 cd. it has... excuse me while i get it... confessions of a teenage drama queen, the prince and me, spiderman 2, kill bill 2, love actually and u got served (ew). there....

the next flick was el vieja del carol (carol's journey and noooo not the disposable underpants). it was sort of kiddy in nature. it was about this kid who went to spain with her mother. they used to be from new york but they decided to come home. the mother ultimately revealed she went home to die. kinda morbid. along the way, she meets a lot of friends who risk everything, even life for her sake. carol's mom looked a lot like cherie gil. i've been saying it over and over while the movie played. it turns out they must be far relatives since her last name was gil too.

on the way home, i super hurried and i had to take a jeepney from quezon avenue to city hall. it's not that i mind but it's reeeeealy hot and i didn't want to be sweaty in time for cell (prayer meeting). when i got here, sis cecille and her son mark were already here. i really wanted to be kinda close to mark since he's really nice and we always see each other in church but never really greeted each other. cell was a bit slow. we were talking about things that we already discussed before. the merienda portion was so much better. we talked about anything and me, mark, and paolo (ortiz) picked on teppy. she threatened to tell them the story of me pooping my barney briefs in disneyland (9 years ago!) so i just shut up. hello! i wasn't even ten yet! i guess that's excusable (right?) anyways, i'm glad mark and i are friends since now i can honsetly greet him in church. i'm not the kind who greets people i don't know (at least not whole heartedly greet them) unless i really know them. so there... it was fun. paolo has a new tattoo which i'm a bit scared of. mark has a new job in trend micro (makers of pc-cillin) and this was probably the last time he can attend cell (awwww...) anyways, i guess it's all good since he can finally stop the whole pambansang alalay thing he has going on for him.

i just refreshed my blog. the post is there na but i'll post it anyway. thanks again candlemaker. how did u get a hold of my blog anyway? hope u visit my site too! i like online friends, i do!

oh before i forget, today i bought a kubing in a tiangge (thrift store) and it's so cool. it's the little bamboo thing that you place at the opening of your mouth and then you flick it and it makes a cute rubbery noise. it's so nice! :D

well, that's it. this is my 3rd post today. got to sleep early since i want to go jogging tomorrow!

get a hold of me!

this could get messy. it's about church so if it's not your kind of thing, just go elsewhere.

so cell just ended and here's what happened. at first, things were slow. sis. cecille and mark got here early and i was a bit tense (late!) since i came from greenbelt pa. it was a bit slow because the subject was a bit old na but the merienda time was so much fun. i finally got to talk to kuya mark and it wasn't awkward or anything. i really feel like we connected. finally, i won't be so shy when he greets me in church. it's always been my problem. i'm not quite sure how to react with church folk.

the spanish film festival was fun. i found out it was called pelicula pelikula. i just want to say, RESEARCH THE MOVIES FIRST BEFORE DIVING IN! i had to sit through this movie called ana y los otros (anna and the others) and it was so horrible. just when the movie was sort of looking up, it ended. right there. before the climax, it suddenly ended. it was so funny because i was like "are u sure it's over? maybe we should stick around for the end credits" and they rolled and the movie still ended. it totally sucked.

the next movie was so cute. it was.. wait i totally spaced and forgot. el... el viaje del Carol. (carol's journey) and it was a kiddie flick. it was about this girl who grew up in new york and her mother moved back to madrid (?) with her. it was so weird since she so didn't sound like she was a yankee.

it was okay i guess considering it was only P30 (plus lola paid for one of them) so that means i just watched el viaje and had to sit through an awful and reaaaaaly long trailer.

i bought this cd (isjapeyks) and its got the soundtrack of love actually, confessions of a teenage drama queen, spiderman, and something else. i forgot. it's nice. im listening to it now.

this guy/girl named candlemaker just commented on my blog! thanks! i didn't know people read this! to candelmaker: well, i'm going back on monday. there's supposedly this really funny sex comedy from spain. ana y los otros was soooo horrible and the copy was so unclear. i'll be sure to look for your suggested movies. i just loooove european movies. my favorites are cinema paradiso and malena and y tu mama (but i think y tu's a bit overrated and all the hype gets in the way!). so that's it. c u next time! :D

my own private spanish film festival

hi! hehehe... i just got home from running again and i tried aerodancing. it's kinda fun. we danced on the side beside this girl and what looks suspiciously like her lesbian lover. i dunno. it could be a really fat guy but i just figured s/he was her lesbian luuuuuuver...

we're going to the spanish film festival later! i'm still contemplating if i should watch two spanish movies or just one. the first screening is at two. i've been calling argee... trying my gosh darn best to wake him up. note to self: tell argee it starts at two so i don't need to wake him up so early. anyways, it's so nice that i'm going. i'm kinda excited na nga eh.

i watched this movie last night called el crimed del padre amaro (?) in english, the crime of padre amaro (not sure about his name) it stars gael of y tu mama fame. i used to think "what the heck do they see in gael? he's so average. compare him to diego luna, who according to some fansites, is a GOD! hehehe" well, it's an art film-y movie that i rented because i couldn't go to the spanish film festival yesterday. i decided to make my own festival! but the limited resources in our not-so-friendly video store only had a limited supply so i had to rent it. it was mexican though (the film) and it was about this priest who gave in to temptation. it was sort of an eye opener. my favorite line is when the head priest (who's also having an affair) says "we are priests" or something to that effect to sort of tell gael to back off the relationship. but then gael says "we are men, too" and it was funny because the head dude was acting all high and mighty but he was actually in an affair too. there was an angle that the movie did not explore . right before he has a heart attack, the head guy says he's been doing it with a virgin child and (ewww... can i just say... ewww) i figured there was only 1 virgin child there -- a special child who everyone thought was demon possessed. it would explain why he was so ornery at the thought of cathetical lessons for that child. but just when i thought the movie was headed that-a-way, gael's luuuuver died and the movie ended. it was nice but i still don't know how i'm supposed to react. maybe it's because i'm not catholic that's why i sorta kinda medyo liked it (uuuy.... pa safe!). it was sooo against the church. a real eye opener. you guys should see it, too. :D

nyl

Thursday, October 14, 2004

pugnosedbabblefest italics

why is my blog in italics?!?!?!?! even my profile is italicised?!?!?! i'm not pretentious! i don't like it!

PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTT! -what does it mean?

sleep all day

hi! i updated my website and there's the link. wow. i feel so contented. like a huge weight has just been lifted off my shoulders.

so this morning, i went running again. i got there at about 6:15 --15 minutes later than i did yesterday.

on my way to the inner circle, i came across a group of screaming faggots. i could hear them saying something about a person in a black jacket. i looked around and i was the only one wearing a jacket (although mine was dark blue). at first i didn't pay it any mind but when they said red shorts (claret PE) i knew they were talking about me. they weren't talking BS or anything. more of... how do i put this... i heard one of them saying "kahit san ka tatakbo, hahabulin kita!" and "papahirin ko pawis mo!". i was so creeped out that i had an early jumpstart at running.

i'm not homophobic or anything but there's something about these kinds of encounters that gives me the creeps. isn't it enough that society accepts "your" kind? do I have to accept it?

so back to the running. the aerodance group was there again and the closet dancers were all there too. what was funny was that the same people in the same places were there. the old guy with the purple bag was there behind the bushes near the food plaza. it was so amusing. there was a couple that i especially liked. yesterday, i noticed a fat lady dancing along and her husband, looking EXTREMELY bored was just sitting there. i thought maybe it was a one time thing but when i got there they were also there in the exact same place. the hubby was still on the bench looking EXTREMELY bored with the morning paper.

while running, i overtook a guy in a white sando, blue jogging pants and last season's "foxy" highlights. soon after, i noticed he wasn't jogging anymore. i thought maybe it was because i overtook him and perhaps he felt bad (?) he sat on a bench and stared at a distance. when i would pass by, he would look at me and i got scared. maybe he was mad! i seriously got scared. after a while, i noticed he wasn't looking at the other joggers so around my fourth lap, i decided to do one more and then stop for refreshments. when i passed his bench, he wasn't there anymore. i saw him again on the spot where the runners usually start and he was walking really slow towards my direction. i got so scared that i started thinking "would people run to my aid if i screamed my lungs out?". (i could hear him. he was psssst-ing me. just like what happened yesterday. he was psssts-ing me! i don't know what psssst means. )just when i thought collision was inevitable, i reached the food plaza and was able to cool down properly.

so i went to the outer circle to drink my cup of juice and i sat down on one of the more quiet parts of the park. i was going to sit down on me and carlo's usual bench but some idiot left a dalandan there and these fruitflies were feasting on it. uber gross! i was going to sit down on another bench but i noticed an old guy wearing a muscle shirt was going to sit down. but when he noticed i was walking in the same direction, he backed off. while backing off though, he pssssted me. what the hell does psssst mean!?!?!?! i mean, i'm pretty sure i'm not just hearing things. i saw his mouth as he psssted me. (it was dry and old.) i sat down, took off my jacket and cooled down. he stood in my peripheral vision for a good five minutes. i wasn't sure if he was waiting for me or psssting me. it was creepy! i didn't leave until he did so i was just sitting there with an empty cup waiting for this creepy guy to go away!

so on my last 2 laps, i was feeling a bit creeped out. every person was a suspect for the pssssting. is he going to psst me? is she? on my first of two last laps, the guy with the highlights was there but he couldn't see me. i noticed the same gay posse and as i was jogging i could see one of them calling another one and the guy he called said (in a very loud voice) "ay! pogi nga!" i was so sure it wasn't me since i'm not in any remote way handsome. but when i noticed my fellow joggers, i was a bit confused. there were two old dudes. a dark, fat doctor and a woman with red stretchy pants. so call me crazy but was he calling me?

on my second lap, i wanted to talk to highlights boy to ask him what pssst means. i made a loud sound with my jacket as i unzipped it to see if he would look but he didn't. he probably thought i went home since the food plaza is on the road back. i didn't do anything else. i just did one last lap - walking this time so that i won't be so haggard. two people psssted me today. when i got home, i looked in the mirror to see if i looked any different. i'm a bit chubbier. a bit paler. a bit more rested. was that why?

so to conclude: i look better in the morning. *lol* joke!

so, if anybody knows what pssst means, please tell me. carlo says its probably what customers do to call callboys. or pimps or whatever. so that was it. till next time.

VISIT MY SITE! PLEASE! AND DON'T FORGET TO TAG!!! :D

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

i went jogging... err... running

it's really early. i just came home from jogging and i've just got this glow that i just can't get rid of. maybe it'll be better if i explain what happened.

so i got there and this urgent beat of dance music bombarded me. TENTENENENENEN! TENTENENENENENEN! i thought, hey the circus is in town! hehehe JOKE! the team exercise was there and they were doing all these moves. i wanted to join them since i remember aerodance burned so much when i was in discovery spas. but the urge suddenly died when i realized it was mostly old people (and fatties) who were there. i then contented myself to embarrassing the closet aerodancers. they were the people who aerodanced on the side. i stared at them as i jogged past them to see if they would stop. you know what, they do!

so about half an hour later, i was drinking a glass of mango juice, cooling down and i was walking the outer loop round the corner of the callboys. it was morning so i was sure they weren't there. to my surprise, there were a couple left, drinking their morning coffee. on my way back to the inner loop, i noticed someone was "pssst"ing me. now, i'm usually not the kind who gets psssted a lot. i remember getting pssssted about two or three times when i'm on my way home from school and it's kinda dark na (mga 9?) and i usually paid it no mind. but this time, it was morning so i thought hmmm... i might actually know this person. i was wearing my claret PE shorts so perhaps it was a classmate or a teacher. i looked and i saw this (screaming) faggot. F-AG-G-O-T! he was whispering obsceneties to my horror, of course. i could hear a few "pogi!"s, "anong pangalan mo"s and a few "pwede bang magpakilala?"s here and there. right then and there, i dropped my cup of mango juice that was still half empty (half full if you're an optimist) and ran. i ran! i ran like i was running from the devil. maybe i was.

so on my second go at running and about my tenth lap around quezon city circle, i started to think of what happened and i was kinda gleaming. maybe it was because someone actually noticed me. whether it be a (screaming) faggot, a matrona or anybody for that matter, someone noticed me and for this i'm glad.

pretty people made me sad. i may not be a pretty (handsome) person but at least i get noticed. that makes me, what, average? i mean when it comes to times like this, i realize that not everybody out there is six feet tall, perfect hair, pearly white teeth, chiselled abs... no. people.. real ordinary people are just like you and me with a few fat patches here and there and not so perfect hair and teeth. so there, chalk another one up for self-psychosis.

now, back to the aerodance. here's what happened.

on my first lap: people were dancing to the VERY LOUD MUSIC. i noticed two instructors onstage.

on my second lap: the sole female intsructor started screamin "WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" every thirty seconds or so. mostly right before i pass by the old bench with the "someone <3's someone else" engraved on it.

on my third lap: another male instructor joins them. he's late, i thought to myself. a couple of people started laughing at the female instructor's (for lack of a better word) ligalig.

on my fourth and succeding laps: these same people joined the "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"-fest and it was only a matter of time when i was also woohooing -- in my mind though.


so that was it. i need to go work on my update now.

nyl <3

Monday, October 11, 2004

pretty people make me sad.

This is cameron's profile.

Some thoughts: why are some people so gosh darn attractive? why are there people like me who are so gosh darn ugly? why didn't i have a good body or better skin? why? why? why am i so cliche? hahahaha

i guess we'll never know. cameron from myspace is my friend and i'm so jealous because he's so attractive and he attracts all sorts of people. i do not know him personally. i do not know if he changes his underwear or if he humps his dog when he's horny. all i know is i'm proud to be his friend and the social climber in me wants to be associated with pretty people. maybe someday with the right rhinoplasty and psychological reassignment, i can be like cameron. will i care? will i be contented?

here i go again

i swear i want... no i need to go jogging tomorrow or else i will die an ugly obese death.

i'm chatting with butch right now and i'm kinda happy. i'm trying to get a hold of myself and not slip into my old ways of chatting alllldaaaayyyyloonggg talking about God knows what.

i just finished editing this story called Life Of Parody. I fell in love with the idea round the time i fell in love with scruffy european movies. it came out horribly, needless to say but i went and posted it on my website anyways. after a couple of months, i finally decided to edit it. it took me no less that two hours to reshuffle and recoordinate the story until it made sense.

there's this guy on my fake myspace account. he keeps sending me messages and it's kind of awkward so i gave him the truth that i wasn't casper and no, i don't wanna be casper. it was a joke that went awry and i told him if he really wants to be friends, he can send me messages in my real account. i wonder if he'll write me back.

oh gawd... i felt something on my neck and i rubbed it off. only after typing did i realize it was this huge ass ant. ewww.... scary...

i'm so fat na! i want to exercise but i'm too lazy. i have to go jogging tomorrow. i want to do sit-ups tonight! wow! this newfound enthusiasm is giving me a headache.

no one's reading my blog... i'm sad. i decided to stop my journal... my food diary. it only made me feel bad about myself.

rainy days and mondays

i'm not usually the type who gets depressed by mondays. i started out smoothly by going to city hall and fulfilling my civic duty as a citizen (naks) but after seeing the mayor (SB!) in all his grouchiness, i sorta lost touch with the human world. i went home and pigged out. i haven't exercised in three days! to top it all off, monday is cake day sale in basic cakes... 50% OFF!!! YUMMY!!!!! i bought a whole toblerone cake and a whee carrot cake. i feel so guilty!!!

kuya mark accepted my invitation in friendster. we're not really close. more like cell(group) mates or church mates but i really hope we can be friends. he's nice and kinda looks like breckin meyer (that guy from garfield)

his folks, the quisquirins (not to be confused with kisspirin of yakapsule fame) were there (sagip K) and it was fun to see so many people united for a cause. we also saw politics at its worst. mayor belmonte was oh so grouchy but when the other mayor dude from british columbia came over, he was all smiles and so supportive of "these poor women"! oh well, that's politics for you

i was going to blog about the network war (7&2) but i lost my thought. i'm just so busy updating my website that i don't think i can resume with my normal life until i finish it.

oh well, back to the drawing board. :D

Sunday, October 10, 2004

got to go to school tomorrow!

aargh! got to go to uste tomorrow. something about nstp. the olive branch i extended to olet is really paying off. i'm glad that there's finally no nad blood between us.

got a lot of things to say about today but have no time since teppy's doing her paper.

going to city hall tomorrow for this thing called sagip K. tell you about it next time, K?

:D

feeling sentimental.

i made something. call it whatever you like. i call it a labor of luuuuv!


i shrunk it here but if you save it, it saves full size (800x600?)

my 2e1 classmates. i don't know why i didn't do this for my old class. maybe it was because i didn't know photoshop then. anyways, i'm really proud of it so here i am, writing about it. gotta sleep early. going to church tomorrow... err later

resolution #1: will no longer be mad at grace for criticizing the way i dress
resolution #1a: will dress more appropriately for a sunday school teacher!
resolution #2: will devote less time for eating
resolution #3: will devote more time for updating my website
resolution #4: will jog and exercise more so that i won't be a balyena by the next sem

there, that's pretty much it. those were my non-new year resolutions :D

hehehe *nyl*

Saturday, October 9, 2004

antagonizing the pugnosedfreakazoid

what's your problem? grrr... i swear i'm not mad but you're making such a big fuss about this. i'm trying my very best to fix this but still, grrr... stop acting like a child. the past is the past. whatever beef you have with me, if you don't want to talk about it then just get over it! argh!

Friday, October 8, 2004

on the cutting edge

i cut my own hair!

i was obviously bored and was taking pictures for my next update and i decided to take some "artistic" pictures of me. air-quotes! i don't know if people even read my blog. i guess the exhibitionist in me wants everyone to read it but at some point, people don't. hahaha... alam mo yung nagiinarte? i'm still sad because i ran out of money and couldn't buy the liz phair cd ive been wanting for so long.. über overdue! i'm still learning all this blog-stuff. i could be better at it but i just don't have the patience.

shoutouts:
einj: if you're reading this then it means you're here. wahahaha... hello? ano address ng blog mo?
beans: tagal mo nang di naguupdate ha!
gege: lipat ka nadito... abandonahin mo na ung LJ mo. hehehe... yikee... mr clay!
to the chick lady: ingat ka sa province. ü
to my antagonizer: stop it. you're pulling away so don't blame us. kala ko okay na eh... hanggulo talaga ng mungo.. este mundo!

nyl:D

Thursday, October 7, 2004

I asked for a sign...

…and I got it.

Today marks the last day of school. For about three weeks, I’m free of hurried deadlines and snotty classmates but still here I am, sitting in front of a computer, sulking instead of celebrating.

I am a chick. That was my sign. I’ve been so confused with Her lately that I really don’t know what to feel anymore. Today was supposed to be our “big talk” but someone lost his chutzpah along the way. I wanted to talk to Her. Wanted so much to ask Her how she really felt about me. Did She love me? Did She want me to stick around? Was there any hope left for a guy like me to be with a Girl like Her. Yet for the forty minute ride home, I was unable to speak. Me, the person who never runs out of things to say suddenly could not articulate my thoughts into sentences… mere words… mere thoughts… mere man.

Somewhere between Her story about going home for the sembreak and Her muses on the last quiz, I got it. I finally got my sign. It came in the form of another story. She told me of a chick they once cared for. I’ll try to put it here verbatim.

A couple of years ago, Her youngest sibling went home with a chick. No one knows where the chick came from. All they knew was it was there to stay. It did not have a home since they really weren’t expecting a chick to come along so for a long time, the chick stayed with their rabbit. The whole scenario was fine. The rabbit and the chick got along just hunky-dory. The rabbit would share his dinner of kangkong leaves with the chick until at times, the chick acted like the rabbit. The chick hopped and ate like the rabbit did. They even spotted the chick once sleeping on top of the rabbit. The poor rabbit woke up with yellow fuzzies! After a while though, they noticed something different. The chick would peck angrily at the rabbit at times for no reason why. It was inevitable that they moved the chick to a new location. They moved it to the garden.

The garden, it shared with the dogs. You would think that these dogs would treat a poor chick horribly but instead, they greeted it with warm faces and TLC. Whatever the dogs ate, it ate. One time, they even shared tinolang manok. Talk about a dog-eat-dog world or in this case, chick-eat-chicken.

After seeing the chick eat its future self along with some skipping and hopping ala rabbit, they decided to bond it with its own kind. Now this is the part that hurts the most.

They had a huge cage for lovebirds. So big, even She could fit inside. They placed the little chick inside and it frolicked in the sand. At times, the lovebirds would come down and play with it. But when the horse (bird) play got a bit harsh, the lovebirds would fly away. The chick, quite frustratingly, tried its best to do the same. You can’t run with wolves, I though to myself. In this case, it couldn’t fly with birds.

Then I got to thinking, this story and mine are quite parallel. When I was a child, I grew up with my sisters. I did not have any other friends. We laughed and we cried and we shared everything from lip balm to illnesses. The time came when everyone knew I couldn’t stay with them so they moved me to a place where I “could be with my own”

But though it may seem that I belong in the garden, I share this garden with dogs. Dogs are modern day men who I went to high school with. Some of them were weird but most of them were brute… manly men… and something inside me knew I was not one of them. I could be with them, I could hang out with them, I could even eat their food (my kind) but something was wrong. I would still hop and skip and that wasn’t what a “manly man” did. They called the chick crazy, folks called me queer. I still acted like a rabbit and I ate “my kind” just to belong. I see this as a swallowing of one’s self just to be able to belong. It’s like that song by Sum 41. “I’m bending over backwards to relate”. There are many “dog” things that I will never get like the joys of ramming a rubber ball inside a plastic hoop. I’ve never learned to play basketball, perhaps I never will.

She is a lovebird. She always has, She always will be. They may put me in her cage (the cage is normalcy, claustrophobia, and social conformity) and we may play games (the whole awkward courtship) but when the time comes when She flies away, I’ll still be there with my little head buried in the sand. Flapping my little wings so I can be with Her but it’s all to no avail. Kahit anong pagpilit ang aking gawin, chicks just don’t go with lovebirds. Especially this bridge-burning chick with an identity crisis and no place to call home.

Excuse me while I kill myself.

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

buena mano

hello! this is my first ever post! hahahaha! bwahahahaha! hehehe! bwahahahaha! this sucks! wahahahaha!