Tuesday, November 23, 2004

it's been a while. the chameleon loses its colors.

okay. so it's not really me to drown myself in work but that's exactly what i did. i've been ignoring heartache, pretending it wasn't there but it is and now it's catching up.

it's official. today, there is no more EJ work left to do. i've got no work, not a single thing to do and now i'm in panic mode.

so marianne and i finally gave up. it was a long time coming and just when i thought it wouldn't hurt a bit, it does and it hurts sooo much that just typing about it makes me cringe.

a few nights ago, i talked to this guy from high school and i was so envious. i wanted to cry. he got his life fixed and i just... i've been waiting... waiting for that twenty-one days to change. everyday, it's the same old story. i wake up and i say "today's the day that i'm going to change" but i never do.

i read in this book called "talking tough" that most if not all guys go through this certain phase where they feel like they've been abandoned... sort of left behind by everybody to figure things out... get a feel of the land... and find what it is exactly to be a "man". i never had that. the first sign of being left behind and i'm out the door. i'm always searching for new people to fill a void. and i'm so afraid that if they really knew who i was, then they'd be turned off so i end up conforming to them. like a little chameleon that changes color to protect itself.

i'm afraid because i know that i can't always be like this. i know that someday, i'll have to change. but i conform to so many colors that i forget what color i really am. i know it's around here somewhere, but my sanity really is misplaced. who am i? who am i after everyone's gone?

so back to my high school friend. i asked him if he has "someone"... he said yes and i was so envious. i know it's a sin and i'll probably regret admitting this but how come he's got it all together? why do i crumble to pieces when i'm alone. yet inspite of this dire need to not be left alone, i still am. maybe i'm getting into relationships for all the wrong reasons. i'm searching for a way to fill a void. but when you're in love, you've got so much of yourself that you want to give it away. i've got nothing to give away so i guess that's not really right. i'd be fooling me, her, and everybody.

i guess that's the reason why all my personas in my stories have been predominantly women (or men who want to be). it's because a man's presence is calming and comforting. a man's presence makes you feel naked and clothed at the same time. i don't have that presence but instead, i long for it. i long for the time when someone will tell me "it's okay. rest your weary head" however cliche that sounds. i'm just so afraid right now that i'll end up alone. i know that i'm not the most handsome person you'll ever meet. people who think they know me are confused with my sexual orientation. but that's not really fair to me since they don't know my past. they don't know all the shit that i've been through. shit that other people have put me through. they don't and if they want to make a mental image of me out of the things that they see right here, then i hope their balls freeze and swell to the size of melons.

i guess i'm in the wrong profession. teachers are infamous for being "married to their profession". what if i never meet her - the one. what if i already have but i let her get away with some sly comment that further convinced her i was more into her brother.

i miss mines. i do. i texted her yesterday, from the top of my head, probably the cheesiest message i've ever sent. i told her i missed her. missed how it feels like to be with her. missed everything about us. how did we let "us" slip away?. just when i thought she wasn't going to reply, she texted me this message at 8:57:36 AM. i know this because the message is still in my inbox.

"Aw...wat u said pierced me ryt thru. I miss ya 2"

what does that mean? does she miss me as a friend or as something more. i've considered her to be my soulmate more that once or twice in the past. i'm too young to be thinking these thoughts. maybe i should just stop listening to liz phair in the morning and norah jones at night. it's enough to make the depressed suicidal.

2 comments:

  1. ei there, I really don't know what to say. I'm not good at giving advices, but.. maybe that highschool friend of yours also experienced rough times. I mean everyone does, right? And nobody has the perfect life that they want. Just hang on and continue what you're doing.. Be true always. Everything will be okay.:)

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  2. Actually, I felt stupid after I realized that I said "Be true always".. Well, just like you, I also became a chameleon. On some selected people, I 'covered' a part of me with what's around. Because I'm afraid that they might reject me or something. But somehow I'm making a struggle to show who I really am. I started with my college friends, and by the way it looks, everything's ok. Slowly, I am trying to make myself who I really am.
    Well, it's a good thing that you've been in relationships. It's a sign that you're a likeable person. (sorry if my grammar is incorrect) You are. Things might sound cliche but it's true.
    Well, I gotta go now, still have to cook dinner. Everything will be ok. Trust me. Well, takce care now, bye! :)

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