Sunday, October 24, 2004

depressed...

if you were in love with a person who felt nothing for you, what would you do? if you felt this person deep in your heart... if you were seeing her, smelling her, breathing her essence and yet she felt total apathy for you, what would you do? if she was so heartbreakingly beautiful both inside and out and she asked you to stick around as to not hurt your feelings, how would you react? how would you continue to love her even if you knew she was just being nice...

why do i love her? why doesn't she love me back? why do i feel jealous of him when she's told me a million times that i've got nothing to worry about. he loves her. he does and he's not making any moves on my behalf. what if they were meant for each other? i've often seen that extra glimmer in her eyes when she speaks out his name... bryan. bryan... it's so lovely when she says it. nyl... nyl... when you say my name i hear nothing special in your voice.

you belong together. we don't. i don't know how i can tell you. i can't find the right words. i feel like those times you told me you missed me, you were just being nice. you were holding on for that tiny glimmer of bryan that you couldn't find in me. was it his style? was it his speech? for the many parts of our relationship, i had prayed you would find it. i wanted to be more like him. i really did. but now i know i'm just fooling myself. i'm pretending that you like me for me and not the man i try to be when you're around. yes, i love you and no, you don't love me. stop pretending. stop all this nonsense.

it's like that uber cheesy song from the eighties... i don't have the heart to hurt you. it's the last thing i wanna do. but i don't have the heart to love you. not the way you want me to... i wanna tell you to stop this charades. stop before any of us truly gets hurt but i just don't have the right words... i never had the balls to prove i loved you and now i don't have the balls to tell you i don't.

we lack chemistry. we lack luster. we lack this:

this is a poem i wrote in church this morning. it's for my ex. this is what i miss.

Kiss the sun to feel the heat
Know that it's bodily warmth you seek
Your fingers caress my body with each touch
Know that I've never felt so much

Embrace the moon and spin like a wheel
Confusing all the dreams from what is real
These opiate eyes that hold so much laughter
Remember it's bodily bliss we're after

Swallow the stars and never feel hunger
Dwell on the points that we carelessly pondered
Get lost in the moon and its incandescent light
Forget all your worries, fears, and frights

there. i've said my piece. when i feel that for you. when i feel that longingness that only happens when you return my feelings... that's when i'll know its right.. it's too much to ask of you. i just hope i have the balls to say this to you in person.

2 comments:

  1. I wonder what happened to bryan and the girl. :)

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  2. Well, they didn't hook up after all that. We all graduated and fell into our respective lives. Crazy how when I wrote this, i didn't think this future was possible.

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