Wednesday, October 27, 2004

another depressed post. but this one's got a better ending.

it's 11:55 PM, no matter what the time this blog post says it is. it's getting pretty late and i'll be in bed for a while but not until i unload all this emotional baggage.

i can't explain it well... i tried... see: (w8, you'll see it verbatim in a minute)

i was talking to kuya mark (HI!) and i guess i just felt so bad about jenny and pepper and how they were mad at grace for the comments she made on how i looked. i closed the YM windows before this so i wasn't able to get all of the conversation but it was just me making him vow not to say anything.

mark: sure!
m: bakit ba?
pugnosedfreakazoid: hehehe... mahaba haba tong story...
p: nagsimula dun sa 2nd sunday na nagturo ako
p: nung saturday, nagstay ako dun sa house nung isa kong ate
p: tapos nagdecide kami ni teppy na di na kami uuwi
p: so nangyari, yung suot ko nung saturday, suot ko ulit nung sunday
p: saya diba?
p: anyways... nakita ako ni grace
p: alam ko naman na di pang church ung clothes ko... pero wala na talaga akong choice
p: naka shorts ako at t-shirt
p: tapos sabi ni grace, kala daw nya babae ako
p: di ko alam kung bakit
p: baka may sakit sya sa mata
p: hehehe
p: tapos di ko nalang pinansin
p: nung kumakain kami that day, kinwento ko sa mga kapatid ko
p: wala lang.. medyo asar ako kay grace pero di ako galit
p: tapos nagalit ung mga kapatid ko kay grace!
p: sobrang... galit na di mo maintindihan
p: to the point na pinagtatakpan ko na si grace pag nagkikita kami
p: pag nasa church kami, tinatanong nila lagi kung saan si grace
p: parang susugurin na yata nila
p: scary diba
p: ako naman, i dont need them to fight my battles kasi naasar ako pero di naman ako na offend
p: siguro okay nga yun because it taught me to dress more properly sa church
p: haba na nito ha... tuloy ko parin...
p: lagi silang warmode kay grace
p: tapos ako naman, parang bakit? e diba kung may magagalit, dpat ako na un...
p: i begged them not to tell anybody
p: pero nung sunday, kinausap ni grace si teppy
p: tapos tinanong ako ni teppy kung si grace ba un
p: sabi ko oo (kanina lang nya tinanong)
p: tapos sobrang naawa ako kay grace dahil kung ano ano sinasabi nila about her e di naman nila xa kilala
p: im stuck in the middle
p: ayoko sila magalit kay grace kasi kahit papano friend ko na siya... kulit nga nun magtext eh
p: pero parang nanumbalik ung galit nila kasi nung sunday, may sinabi sakin si grace
p: may another girl from church na tinatanong kung babae ba daw ako
p: eto nanaman tayo
p: ewan ko ba... di naman ako mukhang baabe. ang pangit kong babae! hehehe
p: e kinwento ko sa friend ko sa phone
p: tapos naoverhear ni jenny
p: pinagusapan nila ni pepper tapos
p: WARMODE ulit!
p: feeling ko malapit na nila xiyang awayin... for no good reason naman...
p: baka pahiyain nila un or something
p: natatakot ako
p: kasi baka gawin nila un tapos magalit si grace... tapos di man lang ako makakapagexplain
p: kung pwede ko lang ireformat ung brains nila para di na nila maalala....
p: im caught in the middle and gusto ko nang sumigaw!!! mali yung ginagawa nila... kasi hello... diba... of all places, sa simbahan ba dw maghanap ng gulo... pero i can't really blame them kasi kahit papano, may reason naman... di ko alam eh
p: ano ba naiisip mo?
m: hmm..ganona?
m: ang haba nga..
m: hehehe
m: oo nga wats the point magalit eh ikaw nga ndi ka naman nagalit..
m: at saka akala lang naman eh
m: dba.. shes a human din nagkakamali..
m: at saka sa tingin ko pabiro lang un
m: kilala ko un.. nagbibiro lang un
m: hehehe
p: i think may halong biro pero not exactly... di ko alam kung pano ko sasabihin kay grace na wag nalang nya muna kausapin yung mga kapatid ko...
p: i feel so stupid... para akong mama's boy pero di mama... ate's boy... haaaaayyyy... ang gulo ng mundo!
m: hehe
m: ganon..
p: buti nga wala pang confrontation na nagaganap pero malapit na...
m: wag naman sana ganon..
p: if u were in my position... what would you do?
p: sabagay, mahirap kasi panganay ka eh... bunso ako...
m: hmm..
m: edi explain ko na wag na lang nilang ganunin.. kc ok lang naman sa akin eh
m: tapos instead of them na magconfront.. ikaw na lang
m: sabihin mo ayaw mo ung ganong biro.. dba?!
p: oo nga...
p: shucks
p: hehehe
p: parang ang simple pag ikaw nagsasabi
p:
we're not worthy!!!!!!!
p: hehehe
m: hehe..
m: ganon??!
p: siguro nga i just have to talk to her...
m: syemps.. ndi ko pa rin talaga kung ano ung nararamdaman mo..
m: pagpray nyo na lang masmabuti pa
p: hehehe... nakakalimutan ko na nga eh...
p: pero promise... di talaga ako ung tao na nagdadamdam
m: yeah
m: at pagpray mo muna b4 you talk to her
p: kaya nashoshock ako dun sa mga nangyayari... masyado akiong... anong word un
p: ummm.... ung ano
p: ung hinahayaan mo nalang...
p: antonym ng active
m: ahhh.. dats gud..
m: hehe
p: hmmm....
m: ahhh
p: inactive? hindi eh....
p: parang may letter s
m: pero minsan ndi rin dapat ganon lagi..
m: minsan u nid to confront din
p: ganun ba?
p: hmmm...
p: i never thought of it that way
p: di kasi ako palaaway eh... ehhehehe
p: passive! ayun, naalala ko na
p: uy, thanks talaga ha... u dont know how much you've helped me just by listening (or reading)
p: iggreet kita sa blog ko...
p: i agree about the "sometimes u need to confront people" thing
m: hehehe
m: ei BRB..
m: taposin ko muna ung gawain ko
m: be back
p: sure... sorry ang sagabal ko!
m: ahh
m: syemps para malaman nya rin na mali na sya dba??!
m: cge BRB..
p: okie
m: il buZZ u n lang
p: yufffff
m: ndi ok lang
m: hehehe

oh crap, ran out of internet... i'll just edit this when i'm not using our vibe account... anyways, i'm just so glad he was there. he even took out time from his job just to listen to me. i thought it was so nice. soooo nice and i guess i'm still reeling because i can't believe how clear it all is now it's super clear. i can't believe it. thanks kuya mark. you don't know how happy i am...

i should pray tonight. i should because it's right. i should because i haven't in a while. i should.

i'm not a man. i'm still a boy and there are times when people feel like they need to interfere with my affairs. i love my sisters for what they're doing. i know that it's for me, whatever war they're waging. but still, i cant help but feel like i'm caught in the middle.

thank God, my download just finished. i've been downloading white houses for fifty million hours now. it's such a cute song. here are the lyrics.

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
This bungalow alone with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's til the end
Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's black leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep
In white houses

i'm not sure if these lyrics are accurate though. i especially like the line when she says "when she dances, she goes and goes" and she really is dancing ala-courtesan in the video...

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